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Not coping

TiredMum4 Community member Posts: 1 Listener
Forgive me for this long post

I have been suffering with anxiety and depression for quite a while now but I'm at the point where I just cannot cope anymore. 
I am a mum to 4 children and I also have crohns disease which greatly affects my life.
My disease causes me to have bad stomach cramps, fatigue, night sweats, diarrhoea, severe back pain which wakes me during the night, Pain in my knee joints and a itchy, blistering sore rash on my hands but the main problem is not being able to control my bowels.
I get next to no warning when I need to go and have to stand or sit still squeezing my bum cheeks to try and hold as much in as I can but with doing so can cause me to lose control of my bladder at the same time because of the pressure building up whilst trying to hold my bowel movement.(Ladies think of the pushing stage of labour when your body is pushing but the midwife has told you not to push but you just can't stop pushing) This can happen at any time of the day, several times a day. 
I don't go out socialising anymore because of this, I have no friends. Not 1 person calls me anymore. The only time I go out is to take the kids to school which I panic about every time (had a few accidents whilst doing the school run) I cannot get on public transport just in case an accident happens!
My housing situation doesn't help either.
I live in a 2 bed housing association property.
My 15 year old and 13 year old boys have 1 room and my 6 year old son and 3 year old daughter share the other room. I just kind of float between the sofa bed, landing(duvet on the floor) or the younger ones room when my back pain gets too painful to sleep on the sofa bed or landing.
Because of my night sweats i need a window open and fan blowing directly at me to keep me cool, not to mention when I have an accident at night and need to clean up!(without waking the kids) my lack of privacy doesn't help at all.
I've got forms to fill out to try and get a move to something more suitable but I have a mind block when trying to fill them out so don't actually get round to filling them out, plus I'm too tired and not in the right frame of mind to deal with rejection so keep putting it off. 
Now all of that has greatly taken a knock on my mental health to the point where I've considered ending it all on severe occasions but I've chickened out and cried myself to sleep but the thoughts are getting stronger. 
I've always thought when people say they hear voices that it was random people talking to them but the only voice I hear is myself. It is myself who is telling me that I'm useless, I've failed and let everyone down, it is me telling myself that no one cares and will miss me when I'm gone. It is myself telling me I'm ugly and people are talking about me, laughing. I hate making eye contact or talking to people as I panic and cannot get my words out properly or I start talking really fast. I worry all the time as well to the point my brain doesn't let me sleep no matter how tired I am. Its 2:30am and my daughter wakes between 6 and 7am so another long day of not only just trying to survive but doing everything on an empty tank.
Its got to the point where I just lay on the sofa feeling like my body is so heavy. Normal daily tasks of washing, getting dressed, cooking is just so hard to do. I just don't have the energy or motivation. I drift off to sleep often during the day leaving the younger kids at risk. (Never for long but that's not the point)
I feel so sorry for my children. The only time they really have fun is when their dad visits as he can take them to the park or somewhere fun. 
My want my old life back but cannot see that light at the end of the tunnel, it just seems never-ending

I need someone to talk to, to help me but I don't know where to turn to.
My doctor has put me on fluoxatine (spelling?) I did use to be on setroline but that wasn't helping at all. Apart from that my doctor has just left me to get on with things. 
Anyway, I am probably making a complete fool of myself posting this but I just needed to get things of my chest

Thanks for reading if you managed to read it all. 
From a tired mum. 


  • Ross_Alumni
    Ross_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,652 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @TiredMum4

    Thank you for speaking so honestly and bravely about how you feel right now and what you are going through. I'm so sorry to hear about how things are for you right now. 

    I have dropped you an email from, it would be great if you could give it a read and get back to us. Hopefully we will be able to find some support for you.
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  • janer1967
    janer1967 Community member Posts: 21,964 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi I am sorry for how you are feeling 

    You really need to get some help 

    I would self refer for a care needs assessment you can do this on the gov website they will come and assess your needs and make recommendations and help to get them put in place 

    This could result in better housing as you are currently overcrowding you may also get some care 

    Can the childrens dad do more could he have them overnight to give you a break 

    I think you need to talk to your gp for a referral to mental health team if not ring the crisis team yourself 

    Other charities can help too like mind and 

    You are not worthless your children need you and will be happy to help you especially the older ones I know my 14 year old helps me 

    If you ever feel like you are going to harm yourself call 999 for help 
  • woodbine
    woodbine Community member Posts: 11,832 Disability Gamechanger
    I have no words of wisdom I'm afraid but didn't just want to read and run @TiredMum4 the suggestion to speak to HA about getting re-housed is a sound one.
    Please remember we are always here for everybody.
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