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can anyone help?
hopeinthestorm
Member Posts: 7 Listener
Hi this isn’t something I normally do and is really difficult so I hope this all makes sense.
I need some advice regarding my situation and I thought this would a good place to start. I don’t have anywhere else to turn. Firstly I am disabled and have quite complex physical and mental illness. My physical illnesses have gotten progressively worse over the last few years and my daily life has been affected quite badly.
I live with my partner who became my carer when my health got worse. Recently I moved into more accessible accommodation so I am able to do a lot more now than I used to so I don’t need as much help. They have their own mental health struggles, diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. For the last few years it’s been an ongoing problem. We go in a constant cycle. Things will be good then they will relapse. During these they become snappy and withdrawn, and as I have PTSD I can’t cope as it reminds me of abuse I suffered. The last year or so has been rough especially with the pandemic. But it’s now at a point where I can’t cope any longer. I’ve turned into a carer for them and I’m not well enough to continue. If I don’t wake them up they won’t get up, if I don’t cook breakfast they wouldn’t eat. If I don’t get up to cook dinner we wouldn’t have it until a stupid time. I have to hand them their meds or they wouldn’t take them. The house is a mess and unclean, I do my best but with my health it’s too much. They are in compete denial about this and make me feel like I’m moaning or seeing mess that isn’t there. I know it’s a cliche saying but I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. They had an episode recently where they left the house and was sending worrying messages to me and other friends. Who ended up then having to call the police because they were saying things that made it seem they were about to hurt themselves.
I try to talk to them about this but they take everything as an attack or that I’m going to leave. They even make offhand comments about killing themselves if I ever left but I don’t know how serious they are about this. They’ll sometimes go to the doctor or try therapy but they’ll never be fully honest with them. Before lockdown they went away for a few days and it was so nice to be on my own. I was so much less anxious, I had a nice routine and I could just do what I wanted without having to worry about them. We are together pretty much all day and it’s not healthy for them to be so dependent on me but I suggest changes and they don’t like it and as I can’t go out alone I can’t get away from them.
I’ll be honest I don’t understand everything about the illness but I do my best. I research and read about people’s experiences to try and best help them. So I know their behaviour is part of the illness. But I can’t cope. The cycle just keeps repeating and I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. It’s now getting to the point where it’s affecting my physical and mental health. I feel like I’m living in a permanent state of anxiety about what they’ll do next or what mood they’ll be in when they finally get out of bed. I don’t know what to do or where to turn or how to help my situation. I’m so sorry this is so long and thank you for reading if you’ve got this far
Replies
Phone: 116 123 (free 24-hour helpline
Scope's helpline provides free, independent and impartial advice and support on issues that matter to disabled people and their families. Phone: 0808 800 3333. Textphone: dial 18001 then 0808 800 3333.
Just a few I have for you there are loads more
Have you spoken with friends and family about what might be the best way forward for you both? They might have some valuable input.
And is the GP of your partner aware of all the things she is going through and what she has said to you? It can't be easy to go through such things alone and hopefully you have spoken with people who would have the expertise to help you.
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I suggest calling the GP and social services and asking for a crisis meeting - request they come out and talk to you and your partner together, write down your concerns so that you are not dismissed or knocked off course.
Start the meeting by saying this is not an attack or a call to end the relationship but that you cannot cope, your health is being affected and you are worried about your partner's safety - then list your concerns clearly and ask what help can be given to support you both.
If they refuse to come out then do this as a letter instead and send it to them, your partner may feel betrayed to begin with but you need to do something you cannot allow this situation to continue for either of your health.
Hi @hopeinthestorm
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