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can anyone help?
Hi this isn’t something I normally do and is really difficult so I hope this all makes sense.
I need some advice regarding my situation and I thought this would a good place to start. I don’t have anywhere else to turn. Firstly I am disabled and have quite complex physical and mental illness. My physical illnesses have gotten progressively worse over the last few years and my daily life has been affected quite badly.
I live with my partner who became my carer when my health got worse. Recently I moved into more accessible accommodation so I am able to do a lot more now than I used to so I don’t need as much help. They have their own mental health struggles, diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. For the last few years it’s been an ongoing problem. We go in a constant cycle. Things will be good then they will relapse. During these they become snappy and withdrawn, and as I have PTSD I can’t cope as it reminds me of abuse I suffered. The last year or so has been rough especially with the pandemic. But it’s now at a point where I can’t cope any longer. I’ve turned into a carer for them and I’m not well enough to continue. If I don’t wake them up they won’t get up, if I don’t cook breakfast they wouldn’t eat. If I don’t get up to cook dinner we wouldn’t have it until a stupid time. I have to hand them their meds or they wouldn’t take them. The house is a mess and unclean, I do my best but with my health it’s too much. They are in compete denial about this and make me feel like I’m moaning or seeing mess that isn’t there. I know it’s a cliche saying but I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. They had an episode recently where they left the house and was sending worrying messages to me and other friends. Who ended up then having to call the police because they were saying things that made it seem they were about to hurt themselves.
I try to talk to them about this but they take everything as an attack or that I’m going to leave. They even make offhand comments about killing themselves if I ever left but I don’t know how serious they are about this. They’ll sometimes go to the doctor or try therapy but they’ll never be fully honest with them. Before lockdown they went away for a few days and it was so nice to be on my own. I was so much less anxious, I had a nice routine and I could just do what I wanted without having to worry about them. We are together pretty much all day and it’s not healthy for them to be so dependent on me but I suggest changes and they don’t like it and as I can’t go out alone I can’t get away from them.
I’ll be honest I don’t understand everything about the illness but I do my best. I research and read about people’s experiences to try and best help them. So I know their behaviour is part of the illness. But I can’t cope. The cycle just keeps repeating and I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. It’s now getting to the point where it’s affecting my physical and mental health. I feel like I’m living in a permanent state of anxiety about what they’ll do next or what mood they’ll be in when they finally get out of bed. I don’t know what to do or where to turn or how to help my situation. I’m so sorry this is so long and thank you for reading if you’ve got this far