Help with possible PDA

LiamA

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with life in general and the reasons why have never made sense to me. My whole life people have called me lazy Liam even by my parents no one has ever understood me.
I have never had the same job for longer than 3 years and most jobs only last 6 months before It just gets too much and I end up lying and making excuses. At the moment I'm working 3 days a week and I feel I'm letting my family down as we always struggling to pay the bills but I'm exhausted every day I'm not at work and just shut my self away the days I'm off.
I have been at the job for 6 months now and it's started getting difficult again and most people I work with just think I'm strange and don't get me I keep getting in trouble for making stupid mistakes and I feel like people are laughing at me, I have to keep going and hiding in the toilet. It's all just starting to build up again and at some point, I feel like I'm just going to walk out and not go back, then all the lying and stupid excuses will start again. The last job I had I almost split up from my wife because she just can't understand me and when she asks me why I can't tell her. I feel like I'm stuck and the same thing is just going to happen over and over again. Over the years a few different people have suggested to me that I could have an ASD but I suppose I just didn't want to hear that so I didn't really look into it. Over the last month things have been building up inside me and I felt determined to do something.
I spent a few weeks looking for help online without much luck and then while searching google for autism-related things I found some information about PDA and for the first time in my life It made sense from the mood swings, not wanting to do things even when I want to do them, making stupid desitions in my life, uncontrollable mood swings and anger that I hate myself for and feel disappointed in my self after and so many other things I do that made sense that I didn't even realise. The problem Is I really don't know where to go from here, I can think of things I could do like talking to the GP but it just seems like too much and I have never had much help from my GP. Since finding out about this last week. I can't even seem to tell my wife what I have found out to ask for her help. I'm finding it a real struggle to even write this it has taken me almost 3 hours and all I want to do is delete it.

Any suggestions would be helpful

Adrian_Scope

Hi Liam,
Thank you for sharing all of this, I can't imagine it was easy. I'm incredibly sorry it seems your post has been missed and nobody replied. Hopefully my response still reaches you. 

Can I ask if your situation has changed at all? Have you managed to reach out to anyone or speak to your GP? How is your work situation?

If you feel comfortable doing so, maybe sharing some of the articles you've read with your wife would be a gentle first step towards explaining to her what you think might be going on. You definitely wouldn't be the first person to discover later in life that they have autism or PDA and while support and diagnostic services vary from area to area, some people find an official diagnosis helpful in moving forward and finding support and strategies that work for them.