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Possibly triggering, definitely whiney and self pitying

CressCress Member Posts: 498 Pioneering
So after years of trying to get help with my son, who has learning difficulties, epilepsy and massive mental health issues, and after spending fri,sat sun being beaten black and blue and having a pillow pressed over my face, I called the police.

I'd always made his violence out to be less then it was, because I was terrified of what may happen to him.

Any attempt at psychologist input, or medication or one to one anger issue help was always refused by him and I was told they cannot force him to undergo any treatment or therapy. 

Last weekend wasn't a one off, it happened every two or three weeks. A meltdown out of nowhere followed by a thrashing, it always continued over a two or three day period.

I tried to get help from social services, but they said, as I was cowering in the shed, they could file a report requesting an assessment maybe next week.

So the police, it was and I have to say they did all they could to get social services to intervene and do anything other then arrest him but in the end he was taken, in handcuffs to a custody suite.

They kept trying to reassure me that he would have someone with him at all times and a nurse on hand and in the event he was transferred that night to a mental health ward.

The following morning the hospital rang and said actually it wasn't the best environment for my son and he wanted to be discharged and was that ok?
I was gob smacked...I said no as he'd lay into me as soon as he got in the door.

Social services then contacted the hospital and said a safe guarding issue had been raised and it would be too high a risk to have my son come home yet.
They said if the hospital environment was not good for my son, then it was their responsibility to find somewhere that was.

So, I'm in bits, feeling guilty as hell for feeling relief that I wont be beaten up anymore. Like it's an un deserved luxury at the expense of my son.

I just hope they can give him the help he needs.



Replies

  • Sandy_123Sandy_123 Member Posts: 1,536 Pioneering
    Hi @cress what an awful situation for you. You did the right thing getting him to a place that might be able to give him help that he needs. It's natural to feel guilty, it gives you time to have a breather and feel safe. Its akward situation, I can u understand you feeling worried of .what might of happened to him when you played the violence down, a lot of us would of done the same. 
    See what happens while he's in there care, but give yourself time to take time out. 
  • Ami2301Ami2301 Community Co-Production Group Posts: 7,737 Disability Gamechanger
    I'm really sorry to read what has been happening @Cress - sending big hugs <3

    I can understand why you feel the way you do, but you did the right thing. Too often, doing the right thing is the hardest. We're always here for you.
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • CressCress Member Posts: 498 Pioneering
    Thanks for responding and virtual hugs are really appreciated right now! @Sandy_123 and @Ami2301
  • woodbinewoodbine Community Co-Production Group Posts: 4,425 Disability Gamechanger
    @Cress i'm so sorry you are having such a bad time, but to me it sounds like you had had enough and took the last possible course of action.
    Please remember we are all here for you should you need to talk.
    x
    "Putting a child into care, isn't caring for a child" (T.Rhattigan)
  • Sandy_123Sandy_123 Member Posts: 1,536 Pioneering
    @cress we are all here to support you any time you need it, take a breather and your son is with right people for now.
  • leeCalleeCal Member Posts: 3,632 Disability Gamechanger
    What an awful situation cress, don’t feel guilty you did the right thing. I hope he does get the help he needs and I hope you too get some help with this complex situation too. 

  • CressCress Member Posts: 498 Pioneering
    Crying my eyes out again now lol
    But thank you all for being there and being kind :)
  • Sandy_123Sandy_123 Member Posts: 1,536 Pioneering
    @cress your going to be hurt over it all and that's ok, do you have family near by who can support you or a freind
  • CressCress Member Posts: 498 Pioneering
    @Sandy_123

    Yeah, I'll be ok. Been talking to the crisis team...and got an appointment on 7April with mental health.
    Just going to try and keep calm..lol
  • Cher_ScopeCher_Scope Posts: 3,978

    Scope community team

    Hi @Cress I'm sorry to hear about what happened with your son .  You definitely did the right thing though and by no means do you sound whiney or self pitying, in fact much the opposite.  

    I'm sending lots of virtual hugs and support your way, and have also sent you an email if you could give that a little read and get back to me.  Take care and look after yourself  <3
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  • CressidaCressida Member Posts: 832 Pioneering
    @Cress I'm so sorry to hear what you have been going through. You definitely did the right thing and need to protect yourself. Your little comments on the forum always make me smile, it just shows that none of us know what is happening in the lives of others. I hope things get better for you soon and you get the help you need. 

  • janer1967janer1967 Member Posts: 11,120 Disability Gamechanger
    @Cress so sorry to hear this and you had no choice than to take this action 

    I know someone in similar situation she reported her son after years of taking his anger out in her he went for her with a knife and was arrested 

    To cut a long story short he has now been placed in supervised housing and can see his mum as long as other people are present 

    I can only imagine how hard this myst be for you 

    Always here for support and virtual hugs 
  • CressCress Member Posts: 498 Pioneering
    Thank you so much for your kind messages of support, @Cressida @janer1967 and @Chloe_Scope
    Sadly janer I know my situation is far from unique. Good to read you have had some positive news about your eyesight janer.
    Take care everyone and sending massive hugs and thanks to you all.
  • CressCress Member Posts: 498 Pioneering
    Sorry, that should have said @Cher_Scope!
  • Tori_ScopeTori_Scope Posts: 4,986

    Scope community team

    I'm sorry to hear this too @Cress. I can imagine this is a really difficult situation to manage. We're all here to listen whenever you need :) 
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  • chiariedschiarieds Community Co-Production Group Posts: 9,108 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Cress - dreadfully sorry to read about what you've gone through as regards your son. I know you've mentioned some of your difficulties before, but, as others have said, you've taken the only option available to you. As your son has refused options that could help, such as medication, I don't know what else you could do......you need to be kept safe too, so the safeguarding issue is appropriate.
    Please don't feel bad; you've done all you could do for a very long time, but there comes a time when you just can't take any more, & rightly so. This will hopefully get your son the help he needs, so please don't feel guilty.
    You're an important part of the community, & I would welcome your quirky sense of humour here again. You need time out for yourself....take care of yourself, & a gentle hug back from me too. You'll then be in a better position to visit your son in a safe environment. You'll get there, & please do let us all know how you are, thank you.

  • CressCress Member Posts: 498 Pioneering
    Thanks @Tori_Scope
    And @chiarieds good to see you back! Thankyou for your kind words.

    I'm a bit of a mixed bag at the mo just trying to keep it all together, like you do, other times falling apart at the seams lol

    My son has been sectioned for a period of up to 28 days. Which I know is for the best at the mo.
    They're trying to find somewhere more suitable for him to be while he undergoes various assessments and hopefully give him the help he needs.

    He's wanting to come home and that's what I want but I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that may not be possible. 

    Obviously I've had umpteen calls and questions...which I understand the need for but have been left in despair at times, apparently there was concern at my request that he be nearer home in case he tried to get home....he's never been able to go out alone in his life!
    I keep thinking "you should know this!"

    They have talked of risk assessments and someone will be in touch with regard to that and I wanted to say " All I need is a SWAT team some stun grenades, pepper spray maybe throw in a couple of exorcists,  just to cover all the bases and we'll be fine"
    But I think funding for that may be a problem...
    Thanks for listening lol


  • chiariedschiarieds Community Co-Production Group Posts: 9,108 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Cress - & thank you. :)
    This must all be so very difficult for you, but good to see that 'fighting' (literally) spirit coming back. :) You know we're all here for you at any time, & I hope that you may be able to think about yourself too for now, & unwind a little (without unravelling at the seams!). :)
  • Welshjayne2021Welshjayne2021 Member Posts: 85 Courageous
    So sorry to hear your story.  I feel for you, but you did the right thing.  Your son is in the best place for him at the moment.  You need this time to step back and look after yourself.  My husband works as a carer supporting people with problems like your son.  He knows how challenging things can get, but he has a support team around him. So you have done remarkably well with your son.  Please do not reproach yourself and take care and I wish you well❤️
  • newbornnewborn Member Posts: 713 Pioneering
    Oh Cress!  Who else could make us laugh, with the reference to needing a SWAT team? Did you see the Katy and Harvey documentary?  Or the Michael White ones? We need more t.v. content like that, and less idiotic property and sport and competitions.   How can the general public comprehend a reality of plenty or ordinary lives but one which is somehow treated as non existent? 
    Old people, apparently, is everyone between 50 and 100, a majority of the adult population, yet one would think they are occasional oddities.
    Disabled people, and their carers, are pretty much airbrushed out of existence. (There is a little bit of tokenistic wheelchair sighting in recent years, but it is striking that, miraculously, there is never an access problem mentioned or visible. People appear, in fields, on rough ground, on gravel, on grass, and there is never a step, let alone stairs.  That is educational, all right, but what  it is teaching is a big fat lie.) 

    Cress it is so good, for his sake, you stopped enduring what has been beyond you.  It's great that, despite your first distress, you are calming into realising it is the best thing that could have happened for him. It wasn't something planned and calculated, but almost by mistake, you have twisted the arms of officials who need to tick the boxes.  The hospitals won't stand for the local authorities dragging their feet, but  both will try flat out to get patients back to their family carers. (I've heard of them just dumping people in the small hours outside their houses, in some cases with nobody there)  In your son's case, they dare not try any such tricks, so they have  only one option, and that is to place him somewhere suitable for his long term care. It's brilliant he has you, to visit him, and ensure his best interests as long as you live. 

    Do keep your memories of how it has been, (and photos of injuries) as a safeguard for both of you, though.   If a bunch of burly experienced nurses give him medication and he is calm and placid as a result, it will be tempting for you to give in to their (and his) persuasion that he is changed, and can safely go back to living with you.  You are not a bunch of burly nurses though, are you, and if he chooses not to take medication, or, back in familiar surroundings chooses to go back to  not controlling  his impulses,  you still don't have that SWAT team, do you? Keep permanently to the practice of visiting him, not the other way round, if at all possible.   (This, just because it can happen that 'proof' someone  can spend an hour in a relative's home can be twisted into 'proof' they can go there full time.  An experiment like that would mean he has to injure you badly again, in order to get back to living where his problems can be professionally managed in his own best interests.  As you get older, your body  won't  withstand  beatings like it used to.)    
  • woodbinewoodbine Community Co-Production Group Posts: 4,425 Disability Gamechanger
    @cress evening, how are you ? 
    "Putting a child into care, isn't caring for a child" (T.Rhattigan)
  • CressCress Member Posts: 498 Pioneering
    Hiya all
    Just an update.
    My son is hating being on the mental health ward, I was told he'd be moved somewhere more suitable but that didnt happen.
    Good news is they hope to discharge him to home with support and meds for his mental health before the section runs out on 13 April.
    They said moving him now would probably cause more distress and delay and they're wanting a speedy but safe discharge, I'm tending to agree with that.
    I'm so hoping this is going to be an "All's well that ends well" situation.
    But I'm happier to have him home knowing I'll have support and back up should anything happen.
    As the unthinkable has already happened ie he was arrested and sectioned I'm really hoping he's seen that there are after all consequences for his actions, and be in no doubt that a return to hospital is on the cards if he doesnt change his behaviour and agree to take any meds or help offered.
    Thank you for your  understanding...I'm off to the benefits section now...lol
    Best wishes everyone!
  • leeCalleeCal Member Posts: 3,632 Disability Gamechanger
    Sounds like good news @cress 🙂
  • Sandy_123Sandy_123 Member Posts: 1,536 Pioneering
    HI @Cress thanks for the update, pleased things are looking better, glad you will now have support too.
  • Cher_ScopeCher_Scope Posts: 3,978

    Scope community team

    @Cress Things sound much more positive and I'm glad he'll be coming back home to you soon  <3  
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  • CressCress Member Posts: 498 Pioneering
    Thank you everyone!
    I've read all your messages over and over...really helped when I felt like I couldnt cope with whatever may happen next.
    Sending hugs.
  • chiariedschiarieds Community Co-Production Group Posts: 9,108 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Cress - thank you for the update. Distressing as all this has been for both your son & you, I do hope it means you'll both continue to get the support you need once he's home. Thank you for your best wishes to us all, & sending you some gentle hugs. :)
  • Tori_ScopeTori_Scope Posts: 4,986

    Scope community team

    That seems like positive news @Cress :) Keep us updated, and don't hesitate to get seek from your friends on the community whenever you need. 
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