Hi, my name is cath2401! I had a bad experience with my PIP assessment

cath2401

I had to have another pip assessment yesterday as I'd already had one on 20th Jan 2021 .  The lady yesterday obviously don't know much about mental health .  I suffer severe personality disorder severe anxiety and depression.  I can't go out off my house take my kids to school my partner does it all .. if I go out anywhere hes with me .. 
I. Constantly having suicide thoughts .  The lady I had yesterday was so horrible its made me feel 10x worse ... like whats the point people don't understand.. 
She was like why have you still got kids with your mental health .
My kids r the one thing that keeps me going.. 
I'm waiting to see pycatrist as my 200 mg sertraline doesn't work at the moment.
I've no one one to talk to for advice and shes made me feel like I. Nothing.. 

janer1967

Hi and welcome 

Sorry to hear how awful your assessment was 

We are here to help and support where we can 

Can you not talk to your partner at least to vent some frustration 

There is always someone around here 

cath2401

Not really I just bottle it up . But they've made me feel like I'm a burden .. 

Ross_Alumni

Hello @cath2401

Welcome to the community, I'm sorry to read you had such a negative experience and that it's made you feel worse. That should never be the case and there does need to be greater understanding of mental health problems. 

I have sent you an email from community@scope.org.uk, it would be great if you could get back to us

cath2401

Hi Ross I replied my email back

Sandy_123

Hi there @cath2401 welcome to the forum, sorry you had a assessor that wasn't nice. Lots of people here you can talk to and make freinds with.

cath2401

Ty sandy its really got to me.. worried now because I can't hold a job down as everyday a very big struggle and the lady was like just awfull

Sandy_123

No need for it really to be rude, you have enough to deal with 

cath2401

But what can I do ...   
I've another 6/8 week wait then its either yay or no.. if its no god knows cos I can't go through another assessment its broken me mentally  . 
My black hole just d seem to be getting deeper and deeper.. 

janer1967

You can request a copy if your report about 7 days after your assessment 

It isnt the decision but will show recommendations and the DM in most cases goes with the report 

cath2401

Ok.

cath2401

How can I block that assessors voice out my head as it keeps going round n round n round . 
Its really really affected me.. 

megs2019

Hi @cath2401 welcome and how are you  and how are you finding this website 

cath2401

Hi meg really down all I keep thinking about is how that person  spoke on the phone with the assessment  .. 
I keep thinking maybe that I'm useless because I have mental health problems and as if its my fault I have issues.
I feel like I was judge because I'm a mum and have problems and that I'm a bad mum because I can't take my kids to the park by myself as need partner with me as I get into such a panic with crowds .
I hate going out off my front door so when I do its a big achievement. 
I won't even go into my back garden.
They've really made how I feel 10x worse.. I said to my partner maybe I should phone them Monday and tell them to shove it and just struggle as I hate feeling this burden for asking for help.. 
I feel like they have completely broke me ive been in shielding for over a year as other health issues so I've not had no other support from my family because off covid.. my confidence well I don't have any I don't have any self esteem..
And feel like every one hates me because off who n how I am... 
My paranoia has set in I feel like I'm being watched constantly by them. 

cath2401

And because my partner has to make my coffees as I used to burn myself with hot water. 
They had me going over my suiside attemps back in 2013 I overdosed on my dads insulin to which drs and that cant understand how I pulled through it.. 
If shes gone through mylife then maybe just maybe she would understand. 
I was made to have an abortion in 
in 1999 where I had to give birth to my summer as I was 19 weeks gone.
2 weeks after my nan died who I was close to as my dad brought 5 girls up as mother walked out when we were young through her mental health issues.
I was admitted to broomsfield for mental health as I was trying constantly to end my life.
In 2018 on my birthday i was with my dad in hospital where he died on my birthday i can't get that death rattle out off my head I thought he was chocking so I went to pat his back but nope it was the rattle his facial expressions are still there which he was pulling..
My 3 kids are what keeps me going I love them to bits I read with them play games with them. 
There my rock.. they know some days I have ok day and bad days .
If I need to go shop where partner can't be there then my eldest she comes as she knows how to calm me if I get an attack. Plus the people in our shop knows I have issues and they keep an eye out or come round with me to get what I need..

Tori_Scope

I'm sorry to hear about everything you've been through @cath2401. Have you ever spoken to anyone about the grief you must feel over losing your dad? Is that something you think could help?

I'm glad that your kids and partner are a great support to you though  

Have you heard anything more from the psychiatrist yet about a potential change in your medication? I definitely think you should bring up how difficult you've been finding things, as they'll be best placed to help you get the support you need.

You're definitely not 'useless' and it's not your fault for struggling with your mental health at all. You deserve to have support for your mental health, and there's also help out there if you don't get the PIP outcome you're hoping for. Have you now asked for the assessors report as Janer1967 suggested? 

cath2401

I haven't asked for pip assessors report yet as my anxiety is through roof.. 
No have not had any help with losing  my dad .. its hard because he passed away on my birthday in 2018. 
I've a zoom meeting physiatrist on 8th April. So just wait and see. 
I'm just down my gp said as I spoke to her on Monday that she will support me if I need to do a mandatory for pip. 
She wasn't happy with how they spoke to me .. 
I'm still really down from it all

Tori_Scope

That's understandable @cath2401. Some people find asking for the report helps to reduce their anxiety, but I can see how it could make your anxiety worse too. 

Of course, it must have been extremely difficult to cope with. In case you ever do want to talk it through with someone, Cruse could be a good organisation to get in touch with. They offer lots of useful advice, and have a helpline you can ring for support.

That's great news I hope that it will be useful to chat with them.

I'm glad that you spoke to your GP too, and it sounds as though they're a good support for you? Please do stay in touch with them about what's going on, and how you're doing.