Hi, my name is BazT! I am my Disabled Wifes only Carer

BazT
BazT Community member Posts: 12 Listener
edited April 2021 in Families and carers
Hi all, I am my Disabled Wifes only Carer at times I find it so hard to be supportive of her, she try's so hard to be independent, which is fantastic but  so upsetting to me when it reduces her to tears with the effort, to have to stand there while she struggles is heart breaking as i am sure many of you know, but i have to let her try, the question is when do i step in to help? when she fails? or before? its a fine dividing line .

Comments

  • janer1967
    janer1967 Community member Posts: 21,922 Championing
    Hi and welcome to the community 

    Sorry to hear about your wife it is a difficult situation 

    Rather than focusing on physical support try and look at emotional support 

    Make sure she knows how you feel and that she only needs to ask when she needs your help 

    It is important for her she tries to do things for herself but that she can identify her limits pushing too hard won't help her 

    Hard one to deal with talk it all through with her 
  • chiarieds
    chiarieds Community member Posts: 16,394 Championing
    Hi @BazT - & welcome to the community. It's a difficult question, that perhaps other carers can better answer.
    I wonder if you've been in touch with Carers UK, who can advise & also offer you support. Please see: https://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/get-support
    I'm pleased you've joined this online community, as we all try & support our members, & you are most welcome to talk here absolutely any time as there's usually someone about. :)
  • BazT
    BazT Community member Posts: 12 Listener
    • Thanks for your replies, We have a very close relationship, she knows how much she means to me ,without her i have nothing, don't get me wrong that doesn't bother me at all, she is the most important thing to me and i always tell her, its just that i feel so helpless , i know that it is so important that people keep their independence, i just find it hard at times . I used to be at work and retired last year, and i suppose lockdown has been hard on everyone, so I'm hoping now the pressure on us all will ease, I'm sure it will. 
  • Cher_Alumni
    Cher_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 5,714 Championing
    Hi @BazT

    Wow, you sound like such an amazingly loving and supportive husband, and I'm sure your wife appreciates how much you care and look out for her.  It's not easy being a carer and I can imagine leaving work, combined with the pressures of lockdown, has made the past year a challenging one for you.  Try not to be too hard on yourself though, from my perspective you are doing fab.  

    The impact of carer stress is one often overlooked but it's important to recognise times when you need support too.  As @chiarieds suggested, Carers UK are a great organisation who would be able to offer advice and support around your situation.  While you can also visit this NHS 'Support and benefits for carers' information page for insight into benefits and additional money you might be entitled to alleviate just some of the strain. 

    Please let us know how you get on and well done for doing such a wonderful job.  I hope to see more of you around our community :) 
  • BazT
    BazT Community member Posts: 12 Listener
    thanks for your supportive words, at the moment things are ok, and im sure that now i have some emotional support on here i will be able to at least talk to people in the same sort of situation, i find that unless you have walked a mile in our shoes folk dont understand, its not their fault, but some dont even try do they?
  • 98Kirsty98
    98Kirsty98 Community member Posts: 2 Listener
    Hi. I'm in same boat as you are, for my hubby. I fund it hard too , to find that balance.  I found myself reluctantly letting him oeg out today, knowing he may well fall . I guess they know more than anyone what they are capable of ,we are put in a hard position.  Really hope you managed to find your balance   just wanted to say hello n empathise 
  • jan5987
    jan5987 Community member Posts: 107 Contributor
    Hi Baz
    i am new here, and everything you said in your post is how my husband is for me, he does everything and it’s very hard he takes on what I was doing and he is near retirement age but gave up his work to be my full time carer,?i was always independent and hate him doing things for me, he has depression and social anxiety as well makes it harder, he has family but finds it hard to explain and they don’t understand my issues and live over 400 miles away he has four grown up children but no support but won’t ask either and they live that far he has lots of sisters and brothers but live miles so it’s me and him, he finds it difficult and sees them and leaves me on my own but also  needs a life.how do you manage?
    take care 


  • Alex_Alumni
    Alex_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,538 Championing
    Hi @jan5987 would you like me to move your comment, as I think you have replied to an existing thread?

    Can you remember where it was?
  • jan5987
    jan5987 Community member Posts: 107 Contributor
    Hi Alex 
    yes but I forgot where I saw the post now:( 
    would you be able to find it please? 
    Thank you 
  • Ross_Alumni
    Ross_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,611 Championing
    jan5987 said:
    Hi Alex 
    yes but I forgot where I saw the post now:( 
    would you be able to find it please? 
    Thank you 
    Just to check, was it this thread?
  • jan5987
    jan5987 Community member Posts: 107 Contributor
    yes it yes it’s was that one.
  • Tori_Scope
    Tori_Scope Scope Posts: 12,443 Championing
    I've merged the two threads together now @jan5987 :) 

    Is your husband receiving any support from medical professionals for his mental health? 

    It can definitely be difficult to speak to family and friends about mental health issues. Perhaps he could have a look on the Hub of Hope to see if there are any groups he could join? I know there's one called Andy's Man Club in my area, for example. 
  • jan5987
    jan5987 Community member Posts: 107 Contributor
    Hi thank you, I told him about Scope how very helpful you are, but his social anxiety is so bad he won’t ask for help, I told him about Shout as well as it’s a txting service but again he can’t, it’s not that he won’t it’s just that he can’t.
    i don’t know what to do. 
    Thank you.
  • Tori_Scope
    Tori_Scope Scope Posts: 12,443 Championing
    It can be difficult to help people access the right kind of support @jan5987, especially when they have a condition like social anxiety. 

    Is there any other form of communication he finds easier, such as email or live web chat? 

    Has he been able to explain why he feels unable to speak to people about his mental health? I understand he has social anxiety, which can definitely be a big factor, but has he been able to be any more specific about what's preventing him from reaching out for help?

    Some people find it easier to speak to someone they know, but others find it easier to talk to strangers. If he finds it more difficult to talk to strangers, perhaps he could start off first by talking to a close family member or friend? I know you've said he doesn't feel able to do that, but sometimes mustering the courage to take the first step is the worst bit, and it's more positive from there. 
  • libcogan2003
    libcogan2003 Community member Posts: 11 Listener
    BazT said:
    Hi all, I am my Disabled Wifes only Carer at times I find it so hard to be supportive of her, she try's so hard to be independent, which is fantastic but  so upsetting to me when it reduces her to tears with the effort, to have to stand there while she struggles is heart breaking as i am sure many of you know, but i have to let her try, the question is when do i step in to help? when she fails? or before? its a fine dividing line .
     Good luck x
    hope you are ok

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