Help, pregnant and abandoned by BPD husband

lubeelu

Hi all, 

I was wondering if anyone could give me any advice or insight in to my situation, if anyone has been in either mine or my husbands position in this.

My husband began to withdraw, spending more and more time on online gaming during lockdown and after I had a miscarriage in August last year. It went from a pass time to an addiction and when I began asking him to quit back in February he has a regressive episode, with fearful child like behaviour, telling me he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me but that he didn't see a future. 

He left to go to his parents and stated after a couple of hours that he didn't know why he said those things.

A week or so went by and he was telling me he loved me and that he wanted to be with me and have our little family bubble but was really confused. 

As time went on he would come stay at the weekend but then one weekend had an episode of borderline rage, left and blocked me on everything for about a month. He then tried contacting me and panicked when I didn't respond asking if it was over and if we were getting a divorce.

I responded by telling him I had seen the evidence of the escort girls he had been messaging, while I was blocked, for sex. He at first told me he had done it on purpose to make me finally end the marriage, then minutes later told me he had done it because as far as he was concerned the marriage was already over and that he was planning on divorcing me a month after baby is born and that he just hasn't done it yet because he didn't want to stress me during pregnancy (completely unaware of the nightmare I'm currently going through after his departure). Then he said he'd be honest and told me he didn't know why he had messaged the escorts but that he had only text and not followed through with anything. He then tried to prove this by sending his bank statement, which led to me seeing the amount he was spending on gaming and him finally admitting he had had a problem but that he had now quit. 

I got upset over the escorts and he has now blocked me again and has said he will unblock me when baby is due and then intends to divorce me after baby has arrived. 

Is he likely to file for divorce? I know he's made threats before but they have been short lived whereas he seems to be sticking by this idea this time. I love him so much and know he is suffering, I have read a lot about BPD and know how I need to approach things in the future instead of taking his behaviours so personal. Has anyone got any advice?

Please don't tell me to let him leave, I know what I want, I want my husband home and my family back together.

chiarieds

Hi @lubeelu - & welcome to this online community. I'm sorry to read about your marital difficulties especially with a baby on the way, & all the uncertainty this must bring. May I ask, by BPD do you mean Borderline Personality Disorder?

Have you both considered getting some support for your relationship; I'm thinking of the charity Relate for example. You can read about their help here: https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships

lubeelu

Hi @chiarieds, yes I mean borderline personality disorder. I would be happy to go to therapy with him to learn how we can make this work. Unfortunately he is of the mindset that he doesn't need any help and although he originally left saying he needed help to sort his head out, he has since convinced himself that be doesn't need help and that it's me that is controlling. 

chiarieds

Hi @lubeelu - then I understand a little of what you're going through. Altho never diagnosed, both my son & I independently thought his Dad had BPD, & some of what you say strikes a chord with me.

It's good you have read a lot about BPD, & yes, it can be difficult for the person suffering this to realise there is help, & they need it. I wonder if you have come across DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy)? This can help some. See the following link about BPD & DBT: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd/about-bpd/

Unfortunately those that suffer BPD are often insecure, yet feel they haven't got a problem, rather their spouse/partner, which is why he's saying you're controlling, when it's him.

I hope some of this may help, but I would also hope you're able to confide in a family member or friend, &/or your GP so they're aware of what you're going through too. I wish you all the best; it's a difficult disorder, & it's name belies the impact it can have on you both.

lubeelu

Thanks @chiarieds.

In your experience would someone with BPD actually go through with a divorce? Or would they fully intend to but then back out of the idea due to the fear of abandonment?

chiarieds

Sorry @lubeelu - I have no way of knowing, as everyone is different, even with the same disorder.

Tori_Scope

Welcome to the community @lubeelu Thanks for joining, and for opening up about your difficult situation.

BPD is definitely a complex condition. Just to add to the resources that chiarieds has posted above, there's another Mind page on information for the friends and family of people living with BPD.

As chiarieds has said, we really couldn't say whether he'll end up divorcing you or not. It seems as though it might be worth focusing on your own mental health at the moment, as well as your physical health. I know you've said that he hasn't been willing as of yet to attend therapy with you, but have you ever considered accessing therapy for yourself? I can only imagine the toll all of this might have taken on your own mental health.

Is your physical health, especially in relation to your pregnancy, being well looked after by your medical team? 

I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage in August. Did you speak to anyone about this at the time, or access any support? If you feel as though you'd like to speak to someone about this, you could get in touch with an organisation such as Tommy's. 

lubeelu

Hi @Tori_Scope,

Yes I am currently seeing a counsellor, I wasn't able to see one after the miscarriage due to waiting lists and covid but Ive been able to see one after my husband left as I called the crisis team I was so low, I felt like I couldn't breathe and felt I just didn't want to be here anymore. I'm doing ok now though. I still have a lot of anxiety, and wake up in the middle of the night having nightmares but I'm functioning now. I start my antenatal classes tomorrow (the only one there without a partner) and am starting a new course on 26th June in an attempt to focus my mind and build a better life for me and baby. 

Whenever I look on forums, it always seems to be the partners of those with BPD that are initiating divorce, not those with BPD. Maybe I'm clutching at straws, hoping it's just something he's telling himself for now as a coping mechanism but that he won't actually go through with it. 

Cher_Alumni

@lubeelu Hello and welcome to our community. 

I'm sorry things have been challenging for you in your relationship and throughout your pregnancy but it's good to hear you've accessed support.  I hope your antenatal class goes okay today, it's such an exciting time     and please make sure to keep liaising with your counsellor and also your midwife/GP to keep you as healthy as can be.  If ever you need someone anytime of the day, remember you can always contact the following support services:

• Call The Samaritans on 116123 or email jo@samaritans.org.
• Text 'SHOUT' to 85258 to speak with a trained crisis volunteer from SHOUT
• Find a local urgent NHS mental health helpline

Whilst, leaning on your loved ones and friends might help alleviate some of the pressure you're feeling so don't be afraid to reach out.  

Unfortunately, we wouldn't be able to advise about what might happen in your relationship but I hope the suggestions offered on this thread, i.e. speaking with Relate might offer avenues to explore.  Please keep us posted with how you get on, and look after yourself and your bump.  

FloraD

In general, it is very difficult to be abandoned by your husband when you are pregnant. I know someone who is pregnant right now, but she is still a teenager and her boyfriend left her. I don't know which is worse, the husband with PPR or the pregnant teenager. I decided to delve into this topic, read as much information as possible from different sources, found something for myself here https://supremestudy.com/teenage-pregnancy and after write an essay. The problem is common today.