Is post-lockdown sex a 'daunting prospect'?

Cher_Alumni

In this Refinery article, Melissa Parker touches on the otherwise taboo – disabled people’s fears around dating and sexual intimacy post COVID-19 lockdown.  Can you relate?

 

The end of lockdown signalled for many an opportunity to re-enter the world of dating.  However, for Melissa who lives with Cerebral Palsy, this much anticipated time brought along with-it new concerns. 

Having shielded for the best part of a year, she describes her sexual confidence having being knocked by prolonged isolation and a fear of exposure to the coronavirus.  Like ‘a survival mechanism’, Melissa goes on to say:

How does one go from being afraid to leave the house, which has become like a mental and physical fortress, from being afraid to touch a stranger’s hand to being willing to touch any other appendages? I cannot lie; I thought I would come out of lockdown with a different attitude: "I will wear whatever and blow whomever I want, as long as I can breathe and kneel." It felt like the ideal post-lockdown mantra, aside from the fact that I am physically unable to kneel. But it hasn’t occurred. Instead, I am some hybrid of Samantha Jones and a Jane Austen heroine: by no means chaste or sexually uninterested but willing to leg it if you touch my bare hand.   

Sharing she will be cautious as she proceeds, as "perhaps it would be unreasonable for me to ask any potential partner to take a PCR or rapid lateral flow test or to bathe in antibacterial soap before each sexual encounter", her article brings up a conversation notably hushed from mainstream discourse - the implications of long-term shielding on the love lives of disabled people.

Over to you

• What do you think to Melissa's article?
• How has the pandemic and lockdown impacted your love life as a disabled person?
• Are you fearful about re-entering the dating scene?  Or, have you met someone over lockdown and want to shout it from the roof tops!

Let us know in the comments below

rubin16

For someone with Autism who can't even face people sex has always been a daunting prospect for me. I have online relationships now and then however I have never enjoyed the subject of sex or being sexual, I have only ever done it for the person I'm with but hated it myself. I think I am on the asexual scale somewhere to be honest.

Tori_Scope

There's nothing wrong with being asexual @rubin16 Either way, you should never take part in any sexual activity you're not comfortable with, and you shouldn't feel pressured to do things you don't want to. There's no rush to work it out either, you can take your time and try out different relationships (or no relationships!) and see what feels right to you. 

kelics

No energy for sex these days. But you go ahead, dont be shy guys, relationships was one of the best experiences i had in my life  ♡

on33y3dbob

Due to post cancer side effects drugs, and a house full of people, being physical is bloody difficult. 

meljay

Speaking as someone who has'nt done that since 2003.Nothing to do with being disabled.My marriage ended and since then I have had no interest in that.Don't mind talking to someone by text or messenger but have no interest in anything else.Being close to anyone makes me feel physically sick!

CollyoftheWobbles

It is such a strange situation to be in. Sex and intimacy as a disabled person is difficult enough as it is. You then add on the pandemic, shielding, and still a large fear of Covid.
Personally my health has severely declined in the last 18 months, to the point I’m not sure sex is physically possible the way it used to be. 

So trying to find a new normal of the new way to experience intimacy is exhausting.
I still have a sex drive, but it is behind a wall of fear, exhaustion and confusion.
Then trusting another human with not only your sexual experience, but what could possibly be your long-term health if they are carrying Covid. 

It is such a mind bending thing, and so much trust to be put onto the experience.
Is anybody else in a position where, they are not sure they could physically enjoy sex because the idea of Covid is always in the back of there head?

Patmc19

 I also feel asexual and have no interest in sex at all. I do miss hugging and company sometimes, being disabled also makes any form of closeness impossible 

meljay

I agree with you one hundred percent.I am glad I am not the only one who feels like that.

Tori_Scope

I'm sorry that being disabled has been making closeness difficult for you @Patmc19. Do you mind me asking why that is? 

Patmc19

Hi Tori, I lost my libido years ago. Being alone during lockdown has made me realise even more that I don’t need anyone in my life 

Waylay

I started the pandemic with 2 long-term partners (poly). One dumped me while I was stuck in Canada, a month after my Mum died. The hurt from that experience kinda put the kibosh on wanting to find anyone new. My other partner is shielding with their partner, a 1-hour train-ride from me. I've been semi-shielding (masking, only going out for groceries) because I think I need to; they were both on the list. As a result, I haven't seen them since Feb 2020. I miss them so much!!!

We're all double-jabbed, and if we were in the same place I'd have visited by now, but the train ride makes us all nervous.

When I can visit, I will, but I'm feeling very uncertain about sex. We text almost every day, and chat/video chat once a week. I still feel very much connected and in love w/ my partner, but I'm not only nervous about Covid, I'm just... Nervous. 1.5years is a long time. 

JKC

CollyoftheWobbles said:

It is such a strange situation to be in. Sex and intimacy as a disabled person is difficult enough as it is. You then add on the pandemic, shielding, and still a large fear of Covid.
Personally my health has severely declined in the last 18 months, to the point I’m not sure sex is physically possible the way it used to be. 

So trying to find a new normal of the new way to experience intimacy is exhausting.
I still have a sex drive, but it is behind a wall of fear, exhaustion and confusion.
Then trusting another human with not only your sexual experience, but what could possibly be your long-term health if they are carrying Covid. 

It is such a mind bending thing, and so much trust to be put onto the experience.
Is anybody else in a position where, they are not sure they could physically enjoy sex because the idea of Covid is always in the back of there head?

Hi Colly, my marriage ended in 2018 and it kinda put me off sex until the last 12mths, maybe it was because of the loss of the strong connection between Man & Wife and also a grieving process and loss of confidence...becoming afraid of getting that close again to someone and the same thing happening, as before the events of 2018 and then the crazy lockdown...which was valid i know, i had a very active sex life.

Yes, covid has had a part to play, but because i know im fully vaccinated and have been for weeks now, i dont think that would be a decisive point on wether i would jump into bed with someone i really like, as i know even if they did have covid, the chances of me ending up in hospital or dying are very slim.

are we really gonna have to ask a potential partner or every date we ever go on to take a covid test before climbing into bed with us, would kinda spoil the romantic ambience a bit don't you think, as some sex is kind of spontaneous. Anyway i take your point, and given your situation seems to me more precarious than mine due to your type of disability, i kinda get how you feel.

Cress

'Did you have protected sex?'
Probably has a whole new meaning now...

Tori_Scope

I'm sorry to hear about the experience you had @Waylay. It's understandable that that would have an effect on your desire to find someone new. There's no harm in waiting until you feel ready to seek out a new partner or partners. 

It's also understandable that you'd be feeling worried about sex more generally after 1 and a half years of not being able to see your partner. It sounds as though you have a positive relationship with them, in that you're in regular contact and still feel connected and in love with them. Have you shared with them your nervousness about returning to sex when it feels safe? They should be understanding, and you might be able to work out a way of making it more comfortable for all of you. 

Waylay

Thank you @Tori_Scope
Have had a really awful time the past 18 months, so anxiety and ptsd going full-steam-ahead. It'll be fine, whatever happens, when I finally see them. Just going a bit spare....

Oh, and menopause ain't helping.

L_Volunteer

This post is a two-year-old post @tony70 so you might not receive a response. We hope you are well though