Whats the purpose to life?

rubin16

Sorry if this is my life story I need to get it off my chest.

I feel really down today and I can't stop thinking what is the point in life, I've been in torture all my life getting bullied and raped in my early teens, then my mum decided to live with her new boyfriend and left me to live on my own with nothing to eat but cold pot noodles (as electric and heating ran out). I started hearing voices at around 14 as well. Got expelled from school at 15 becuase I was different and wouldn't join in anymore, at this time my mum decides to move to spain with her boyfriend so I have to move to live with my step dad (my dad has never been around when I was a kid).

Since then I was diagnosed with Autism and Paranoid Schizophrenia and started to fall ill with crohn's at like 18. Crohn's has flared up constantly since and had numerous operations, spent days in intensive care (as not sure I would make it), had painful fistulas where I couldn't even walk for 2 years, and have a perminent ileostomy that brings be embrassment all the time. I have spent the past 12 years in and out of hospital constantly either through having a psychotic episode or my crohn's flaring. Life to me has been nothing but torture so far but I always stayed hopeful for the future.

The way things look things are never going to get better, and will have another 30years+ of the same cycle and i'm just struggling to work out what the point of everything is? Is the point in life to have kids and thats it? as I'm asexual so thats never going to work plus I can't speak to anyone or go out without having a panic and anxiety attack. The only thing I'm hopeful for is finally getting my driving license back so I can get a car and can go out, I can't wait to just drive to the hills at night and just watch the stars for an hour, with noone but me there and the universe.

Sorry for the long post but I just don't want to go another 30 years like this and don't know what to do to get out of it.

What do you think the purpose of life is?

leeCal

Please see recent posts on this subject
https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/80939/meaning-of-life#latest

woodbine

@rubin16 really sorry you are feeling as you do, are you getting any help with your mental health? if you need to talk the samaritans are open 24/7 tele:116 123
If you are in immediate danger then call 999.

Ross_Alumni

Hi @rubin16

Sorry to read that you aren't feeling too great at the minute, it seems as though you have a lot going on. I hope being on the community helps you though, and there's no need to apologise for making a long post, you can post as much as you like.

I have sent you an email from community@scope.org.uk with further information to see if we can support you in any way, please give it a read and consider getting back to us  

66Mustang

To be honest I kind of feel the same - it feels as though I've battled through life all these years and it seems all there is to look forward to is just more battles ahead, with no real point to them - i.e. what do I actually get for "winning" all these "battles"?

I think my best attempt at an answer to what the purpose of life is is whatever you want it to be and to enjoy things when you get the opportunity, even very small things like a glass of water..

If you do find a better answer please let me know as I'd be interested to hear it!

Oxonlady

Hi @ rubin16 and @ 66Mustang, I am sorry to hear that both of you have had life-long problems.
I've been through similar experiences and have often wondered what the point of life is, whether there's anything else beyond physical pain, anguish, stress, bullying and one ordeal after another. 
Since April, after yet another deterioration in my spine, I've been bedbound, hardly able to leave my bedroom. The neurosurgeon has told me that I'll never walk again.
This is how I'm tackling the situation :
The neurosurgeon may not believe in God and miracles but I do! I'm not giving up on being able to walk again.
I've drawn a line on the past and have told myself that just because a lot of bad things happened in the past, it doesn't mean they have to continue to happen. That was then and this is now. I've detached from bad memories. 
I try not to stress too much about the unbearable pain.
I pray a lot, and I listen to all types of music thanks to YouTube! I'd be lost without it.
I just say to myself, what can I do now to cheer me up? Apart from music, I enjoy puzzles, Sudoku, crosswords etc. In other words, I don't think about the past or the future but focus on what I'm doing now.
The purpose of life is to find joy wherever we can. 
My life's purpose recently had been to complete an Art Project I started in 2016. I can't do much at the moment but I'm determined to go back to my canvasses.
The important thing is to find something you are passionate about and indulge your interest without caring what other people might say. 
We need to look after ourselves and not care what others might say. Find something that gives you joy on a daily basis. That's enough. We don't all have a grand purpose like saving the world.
I hope this makes sense. 
Best wishes to you both. 

66Mustang

Thanks @Oxonlady for that post, I found it insightful, using the forum reaction word for want of a better word.

I'm not saying my situation is the worst, in fact I feel pretty lucky to be honest. If I were in many peoples' situation, I'd perhaps have given up by now. It is inspiring seeing how people carry on.

I think perhaps my issue is I don't have anything I'm truly passionate about to use my time on.

Any ideas as to how you discover something like that?

Thanks again.

PS good luck with the art!

Oxonlady

Hi @66Mustang, thank you for you kind words.

I never imagined, when I was younger, that I'd be involved in an Art Project. 
In 2016 though, having been through five gruelling operations and being left disabled, I became very depressed to the verge of being suicidal. I realised that I'd have to take action. I also realised that I was craving colour and self-expression. That's how I came to invent a totally new style of art. It gave me a sense of achievement engaging in something new, original and unique that you won't find anywhere else in the world!!! My canvasses give me much satisfaction and a sense of achievement. That's why I could never sell them! 

Ask yourself what your talents, interests and inclinations are. Are you musical? I wish I was but I couldn't sing to save my life! Is there anything your heart is craving? 
I also write short stories but the plots have somewhat dried up... 
I think anything that allows you to express yourself would be great or if you are able, you could maybe spend an hour a week with an elderly or housebound person. 

I hope you do find something that will make your heart sing and boost your self confidence. 
All the best. 

66Mustang

Thanks for the suggestions @Oxonlady

I'm not particularly musical or arty, sadly - not very creative at all really! One thing I am going to be doing is studying philosophy soon so maybe that will turn into a passion as I did really enjoy it before, who knows!

It would be great to see your artwork some time.

Thanks again

Oxonlady

Hi @66Mustang Wishing you all the best with your philosophy course. Good for you, hopefully you will enjoy it. 

There are some examples of my artwork on Google but apparently I'm not allowed to reveal my real name on this Forum!

When I complete my Art Project, I hope to find a way to hold an exhibition. But my health needs to improve a lot more before I can get on with my artwork... 

leeCal

Following several attempts to ‘make it’ I gave up on music. Thinking about it I gave up on quite a few things over my life and always for the same reason...I couldn’t make them pay. So I guess what I was really after was the money, and the freedom it can buy. 

These days i have enough to live on and plenty of freedom. So I suppose I did ‘make it’ after all. Sometimes the goal is hidden from you, like a gem covered in mud, it needs finding and hosing down and that can take time and a little sideways thinking ?.

good luck to all the seekers, bless them.

chiarieds

You know, I would like to say to all of you that sharing our experiences, good & 'perceived' bad, just shows at least how much this community is supportive, or, as I've said before, we can at least prop each other up! We have a lot of understanding because of our collective physical & mental health issues; our belief systems; our small goals perhaps in the eyes of others. But, & this is a big but, together you all, & I mean all, make at least this community a better place, so thank you.

Oxonlady

Hi @chiarieds, how are you? Wise words, I also appreciate this community and I am grateful for the opportunity to exchange ideas and support with so many lovely people who truly understand the difficulties and obstacles we each face. And encourage each other to keep going! 

chiarieds

Hi @Oxonlady - I'm doing OK, thank you...still battling chronic daily pain, & am sorry you have the same, but even worse than me. I share your belief, & also feel that whatever you believe concentrating on being in the present moment actually helps with distraction to a certain extent at least.

rubin16

Hi guys,

Sorry I've not been replying my mood is like a yo-yo at the moment, but thanks for all your inspirational words. I have no motivation to do anything at the moment, I used to enjoy designing things on my computer like websites, logo's and was pretty good at it at one point. But I havn't done it for years and can't seem to get out of my current routine.

I'm scared to mention anything in real life to the mental health team in fear that they will section me again, so don't talk to anyone about anything other than on this forum. I just feel trapped at the moment and all I can think about is the future and me living like this for another 30 years. I know I should just focus on the now but its really hard. I just wish I was like everyone else and could do simple things like everyone else does without having bad anxiety, hearing voices and an overall panic attack. If they ever offer a brain transplant i'll be first on the list.

I just hate everything about my life and I hate myself more, and I don't know how to better things. Everything I try I fail at and then become in a more worst position than I started.

OverlyAnxious

Fun fact...it's not even another 30 years of 'this', as we'll almost certainly gain more issues as we age.  A brain transplant would only do so much, I'd want a full body transplant myself...not keen on another human body though as they're all flawed in one way or another, maybe some sort of cyber body... 

To use a cliché that really grates on me, "you're not alone with this", there are many of us that feel the same way but it's just never spoken about in real life.  I've felt the same way for nearly 20 years now.  By the end of primary school my MH issues were already totally ruling my life.  I couldn't cope with the transition to high school and that started long term physical issues too, most likely having caused permanent damage now.  I never really had a 'life' or created a personality as I was so sure that I wouldn't still have to be around by the end of school, let alone now nearing the big 3-0.  I still feel the same way about life now as I did back then, I don't want to be here, there's nothing for me in this life and I don't believe there's anything after this.  (I know opinions will vary there!)  I'd much rather 'just go'...but that's easier said than done too.  I don't believe anyone should be forced to live a life they can't cope with...but I've also experienced the devastation that's caused to other people after that event, and they shouldn't have to deal with that for the rest of their lives either (damn human brains again!).  So what's the answer?  No idea...  And I suspect we'll never know either.  For now it's just about pacing and 'plodding on', taking a day at a time, or even an hour or just a few minutes depending on what you're trying to deal with at that point.  I often set a radio timer for an hour at a time over night, counting off each hour as I reset it, knowing that's another one down...but trying not to think about how many are ahead.

The only positive thing that I can say is I have known plenty of people that have gone on to live 'normal' lives that they are content with after being in what seemed like an impossible situation themselves with MH issues etc.  I've spent years trying to work out what's different about me than them, and still haven't really come up with anything.  Though what is interesting in this thread is that the 3 of us with similar feelings about this, have other similarities as well, maybe there's something in that...

chiarieds

There's never any need to apologise @rubin16 - & don't hate yourself ever. We all need to be kind to ourselves (not indulgent, but having care about ourselves). It's not easy I know with physical problems, & I'm equally sure with mental health issues. We might try to do something, but not beat ourselves up if, at the moment, this seems unattainable. We have to find a way to cope with how we are, & it's not easy. I'm not saying I know how to do this, as for several years I realised I was fighting against myself, trying to do what I used to do, but then came some acceptance......compared to others, I have limitations, & needed to adapt. Still haven't got there, but am still trying.

It is difficult to focus on the present.....my breakthrough moment was washing dishes on a cold, wintry day. I appreciated how the warm water made my hands feel better, & concentrated on washing the dishes; I now call it the Zen of washing dishes, but keep trying to incorporate this into the things I am still able to do, even if they aren't many.

Small steps is a possible way forward, tho 1 forward & 2 back can happen, that's not to say you've failed, or done something wrong, just it happens. Again, don't beat yourself up....the important thing is to keep trying.

If there's one piece of advice I may add, having suffered panic attacks, it's to practice this breathing exercise when you feel OK, so that if you suffer an attack, this may then help. Please see: https://www.guysandstthomas.nhs.uk/resources/patient-information/therapies/abdominal-breathing.pdf    it may also help reduce your anxiety, so worth practising. Take care.

Faith2008

Hi, 
thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you have and are going through a very difficult time. There seems to be a lot of trauma from your childhood and your father snd mother not being there in such a critical time providing not even the basic of care or love is so hard to move on from. 

You seem like a very strong person to have gone through all of this. I guess when we are struggling in life it’s really hard to see the wood through the trees but all you can do is stay strong and wait for morning to come. Things will improve maybe not in the way you would like or hope for but in other ways you didn’t expect. It’s hard to find joy when life is hard but there is joy to be had and you will find it. 

I’m sorry you are going through all of this. It’s sometimes nice to find an understanding therapist you can talk to or a friend or even on here. It’s healthy to express your feelings snd emotions and allow others to help you unpick them. 

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