I'm freaking out!!

HannMariee93

After many years suffering from severe anxiety and depression, agrophobia, ptsd, eating disorders (stemming from childhood s*xual abuse) I finally gained the courage to ask for help. I applied for pip and just had my assessment over the phone as in a detailed letter from my doctors stated that I would not manage the f2f assessment. 
I honestly didn't know how intrusive and detailed it would be and ended up breaking down on the phone now I'm absolutely petrified about the outcome and the decision yet to come!! Can anyone lend me some coping tactics as am now having my flashback nightmare and am NOT coping! Any help would be greatly appreciated. 
TiA, Hanna. 

Snow92

hi there 
I'm sorry to hear what you're going through i experienced exactly the same although i didn't break down on phone unfortunately i was refused and the assessor lied on report even said i take no medications even though she asked all the details of ones i take i hope you get your award but do prepare yourself for the lies they tell don't want to give you false hope as i wish someone was honest with me then i wouldn't of had high expectations I've done a MR and its proper detailed into my abuse I'm hoping the dwp turn into my favour I've got fingers crossed for you that all turns out ok ..also rape crisis has a anonymous online chat service they are great if you need someone to talk to or feel free to message me  

HannMariee93

Thank you @woodbine ever since the assessment on Froday I have had increased panic attacks and flashbacks after having to relive it all again. I'm not coping mentally at all. I feel like it went as well as it could even after breaking down and having a panic attack on the phone. The lady was understanding and breathed with me through it which was such a surprise as have heard loads of horror stories when it comes to the assessment. When after the phone call can I ask for my report and who do I contact regarding it? 

Thanks again, Hanna. 

HannMariee93

Good evening @Snow92 I'm terrified to go to sleep as I know whats coming. My skin crawls as can physically feel his breath on my neck then comes the panic attack. I feel like that defenseless child again unable to escape. 
Can I call them and explain what difficulties this whole process is causing me? 
I'm throwing up constantly as can't keep food down again and can feel myself loosing it again. (I tried to commit suicide last year) I can't do this again. I don't have any strength left in me. 

I am also sorry to hear that the same thing has happened to you, just know you're not alone and I'd like to say it gets better but in my case it has caused yet another spiral. I really wish you the best with your MR. I just hope we haven't has to relive this all for nothing. 

Best wishes, Hanna. 

Snow92

You sound like you’re really having a bad time I get like that sometimes I wish I could give you a hug try not to think about it distract yourself as much as possible (I normally go crazy with cleaning or write in my journal) music also helps a little or I try to open a window and just observe surroundings breathe in the air doesn’t always help but worth a try breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth a few times helps regulate your heart to stop rapid irregular breathing during panic I’m here if you’d like to talk more x 

HannMariee93

I'm trying, @Snow92 I've decorated all but my bathroom of my three story three bed maisonette since Wednesday so been keeping busy just not very successfully unfortunately. 
@woodbine , yes I'm currently on anti depression meds and sleep meds, I have a crisis number to call and I have a phone call every week with my therapist but this last week has been the worst its been for a year I just cry constantly and trying so hard to hide it as I am a mother of three (the kids are with their dad until the last week of the holidays now. 

HannMariee93

I don't feel brave I feel like a scared little kid. I haven't had a panic attack yet today so that's something. I've booked an emergency appointment with my lady today as don't want them triggering my astma. Painting my bathroom today and my friend is doing my shopping as am filled with dread even thinking about going out. I hope everyone is having a nice day. How're you today @Snow92, how do I message you? 

Thanks, Hanna. 

Snow92

Hey glad to hear you’ve not had a panic attack today I’m not Quite sure how you message il try to send you one x

daisy1838

Hey your remark about feeling like a scared child resonates with me. 

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this, I promise you, what you have done is incredibly brave and whilst all the trauma is so triggering, you’ve done it. You’re a strong, incredible woman?

luckyscope

Just wanted to drop a message also as I have similar circumstances to you, i have PTSD due to previous s*xual and physical abuse and i also understand the struggles it brings with having children as well. Im currently going through the pip process also. I've actually just wrote a big rant on here as I'm really stressed and upset about it all. 
As a PP said you are incredibly brave and a strong woman so keep going even if you have to go through appealing just keep going.
Also call up pip in a week or 2 and ask for a copy of the assessment it will give you a good indication and ease your anxiety. It can be a hard read though so just try to mentally prepare yourself for it as they tend to twist things from my experience X

HannMariee93

Sorry girls, yesterday turnt into a bad day and am now sad to say on suicide watch again. My skin is literally crawling every second of the day, meds aren't helping just making it worst but I'm happy I found this group... A piece of my heart goes with every one of you. I'm trying so hard at the moment to hold onto the good things in my life, my kids are the only reason I'm still here ? thank you all so much. I hate the fact that other people know how I feel as no one should have to feel like this. ❤❤

HannMariee93

My kids dad has said he's more than happy to have them for the duration of the holidays so that is a massive help knowing that they are safe and happy but it's also a catch 22 because I need them around me so I don't do anything stupid. ??

Snow92

Reading your comments is like hearing myself I really hope you find the strength to remain here with us. You are incredibly brave and amazing and you are important to many I hope you are getting all the support you need to get through this hard time x I did send you a message not sure if you got it x

Tori_Scope

Hi @HannMariee93,

I'm sorry to hear that things have been much more difficult for you recently. Did you receive the email that Ross sent you recently? Please do take a look at that if you get a moment.

on suicide watch again

Has this been organised by your mental health team?

Have you mentioned to your doctor that you don't feel as though the medication is helping? 

Please remember that you should call 999 or visit A&E right away if you feel unable to keep yourself safe, or call the crisis team if you need. The following resources may also be helpful:

• Samaritans: call 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org
• SHOUT: text SHOUT to 85258 to speak to a volunteer over text message
• Getting urgent help for mental health (NHS)
• Coping with suicidal thoughts (Mind)

How are you doing today @Snow92? Are you receiving any support of your own?

You need 25 points in order to be able to privately message each other. You can gain points primarily by commenting, posting, and getting reactions to your posts and comments. I hope that makes sense?

Snow92

Im trying to get support from my gp but proving impossible they are telling me 23rd September I’ll be seen 
thanks for info on points didn’t know that 

Tori_Scope

Ah that's frustrating, many people are struggling to see their GP at the moment @Snow92. 

Do you live in England? If so, you may be able to refer yourself for some therapy through the IAPT service. 

You could also try using Hub of Hope to see if there are any mental health charities or other services you could access in your local area. 

HannMariee93

Afternoon ladies. I have been having the same issue @Snow92 waiting in a queue for a hour or so to speak with them to get an appointment but my mental health team are AMAZING and yes @Tori_Scope it has been arranged with them and my doctors are fully aware that the meds aren't working and we're working to get something else in place. 
I have been put in contact with IAPT  and spent a hour and a half mostly crying on the phone and actually managed to get 4 hours sleep yesterday before an episode of ptsd so I know it helped. I also have ADD so keeping my focus on something else it extremely difficult but today has been the best day I've had in months.... Onwards and upwards girls. I suppose that's the only good thing about reaching rock bottom, the only place to go is up, right? 

Thanks, Hanna. ❤

HannMariee93

Thank you @Excoriated. You don't know how much that means to me at the moment. Excoriated said:

You go girl I’m really proud of you ❤️??❤️

You girls have been amazing, it's hard trying to fight against your own head.  Xxxx ❤❤❤

Snow92

So glad to hear you’re having a good day Hannah Happy to hear it ❤️ Gp’s are rubbish and the moment but at least you have your mental health team and yes the only way is up? u should be proud of yourself x 

HannMariee93

I MADE MUFFINS! @Snow92 I haven't baked since last year and they taste amazing. House is all decorated now. Now for some projects... Sanding down and re painting all my white living room furniture and re paining it grey to give me something to do. How are you coping today hun? 
Hanna, ❤

Snow92

Ah that’s great to hear your house sounds like a good place to be! I’m currently looking for something productive to do like you are doing need something to focus a good amount of time on might have a clear out throw away some stuff or sort through the kids stuff who knows lol you’ve made me hungry now I want muffins ??