Being the “black sheep” — Scope | Disability forum
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Being the “black sheep”

Benji81
Benji81 Member Posts: 8 Listener
Hi,
I’m fairly new here but I just had a bad day and I am looking for a little advice.  I am definitely the black sheep of my family, always have been.  Today, however, I visited my brother and found out so many things that are going on within the family that I had no knowledge.  It stirred up a lot of negative feelings from my childhood.  Then, to top it off, when I spoke to my mum about it she just said the same old thing: “we love you very much but we had to distance you in order that the family not be disrupted”.  It’s dumb, I know - I should be ok with it by now but I’m not.

Do any of you feel like the black sheep of the family?  It’s not like I really have any friends - my closest friend died last year.  How do you cope with being left out?

sorry this is so long and thanks in advance for any replies.

Comments

  • Teddybear12
    Teddybear12 Member, Community Co-Production Group Posts: 8,336 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Benji81 I am sorry you feel left out by your family.  I do not think it is something you would just get over. Do you know why your brother felt he had to tell you many thing going on within the family if you are not a part of it. Does he know how this makes you feel ? I have never been the black sheep of my family so cannot help there,, just wanted you to know there are always people on the site so someone will be able to answer you from personal experience.   
  • Benji81
    Benji81 Member Posts: 8 Listener
    Hi Teddybear12
    Thanks for your reply.
    I have no idea why he told me.  I’m not terribly good at knowing people’s agendas.  He’s not inherently mean or vindictive towards me but all of my family invalidate a lot of what I say or so by reminding me of my autism. It feels demoralising as I do try my best to avoid conflict or anything that makes it hard for me to be around.
  • Cher_Inactive
    Cher_Inactive Posts: 4,400 Scope online community team
    edited September 2021
    Hi @Benji81

    I'm sorry yesterday was a tough one for you.  I think sometimes parents can hold the best of intentions in trying to protect children through withholding information but not realise that, if found out, it can be very hurtful to hear.  I've been in a similar position on occasion and have felt frustrated at not being given the opportunity to show my capacity as an adult to handle 'stuff' and be a part of lightening the load, so to speak.

    Saying that, I'm sure your family's motives were heavily rooted in love and shielding you from conflict, but your subsequent feelings are entirely understandable.  Did you speak with your mum more about how being kept out of the loop made you feel?  I appreciate it's a difficult conversation to have, but rather than bottle up these emotions it might be good to express them and feel heard. 

    I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your best friend, that must have been a difficult thing to go through :(  Have you accessed any support with bereavement or do you think grief counselling could help? 

    Thank you for sharing these thoughts with us as I can appreciate it wasn't easy and I hope your Friday afternoon is a pleasant one.
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  • woodbine
    woodbine Member, Community Co-Production Group Posts: 7,773 Disability Gamechanger
    I would say that being the "black sheep" is better than being like all the rest of them.
    I'm sorry you lost your best friend last year must be difficult for you and could that be making you more sensitive to what people say and do?
    Be extra nice to new members.
  • Benji81
    Benji81 Member Posts: 8 Listener
    Thank you Cher and Woodbine,

    I have told my mum how it makes me feel but all she says is that she loves me no matter what and closes the conversation.   It’s funny how people can tell you that you are loved and yet act like they don’t or in a way that is intensely painful to be on the end of.  I think you are right though Cher in that part of it is for my protection but mainly it is for the preservation of the rest of the family…proper adults that they are.
    Woodbine, that made me smile - there are some advantages to not being one of the common or garden “sheeple”.
    Yeah losing Jonny is one of the worst things I have gone through and it maybe has made my emotions more raw.  I have declined bereavement counselling for now but maybe in the future.
    Thanks so much guys.  I guess I need to find a new support structure - one where I can care for others too.

Brightness

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