I dont even know where to begin or who to turn to

matt11012

Hi, Im in so much need of some advice from people who have been through or know what help there is out there for these questions.
To cut a long story short, I am separated from my wife and moved out to live with my mum and stepdad over a year ago now. Back when I was still living at home my mental health was so bad and I was drinking everyday to try and self medicate all the sadness and depression which completely backfired on me as I just had a complete mental breakdown, cut my arms to shreds and then the mental health crisis team got involved and helped me try and get through it. I was still drinking heavily and if im honest im surprised I am still alive considering how ill it made me and when I knew I had to make the decision to carry on and die or live I went cold turkey and spent a week shivering, shaking hallucinating, didn't realise how dangerous doing that was until I spoke with my Dr once I had managed to stop. I have now been clean for just over a year which is something I should be proud of but I'm just not in a good place to be able to give myself any credit. Anyway my main question is that I have two beautiful children who mean the absolute world to me and its only because of them I am still on this earth. I am living with my mum and stepdad who are both functioning alcoholics and my mum go's through phases of drinking heavily and then cutting down but is mostly drunk every night. They have always been like this but its only once you stop yourself and have to live with them you can see how much is actually going on around you. Basically my mum is pretty drunk every night and as I have been in recovery for over a year it has been the hardest process I think I have ever been able to overcome considering the amount of alcohol that is in this house and the smell of it. I have got to a point where I don't feel safe here anymore, I cant stand my stepdad ever since I was a kid but being here all this time has just made me worse. I cant believe as I'm just writing this now my son has come into my room covered in wine where my mum has accidentally spilt it all over him, these situations are just mounting up to where last night while I was getting my kids dinner ready she came in and fell over onto the floor, she has only just fallen over and broken her arm which she says was not because of drinking but I do not believe her. All this time of feeling anxious around my stepdad incase the kids make to much noise, seeing her drunk everyday and last night something in me  just gave up and I felt a complete mess. I dont show any of these emotions to them or my kids as for my kids I have to be there for them and be brave but I went upstairs and have self harmed pretty badly, I have lived with it for years so i know how to look after the cuts and conceal them but I just know being here is not making me any better. Im feeling so ashamed of being like this but I just dont know what to do. I lost my job due to covid and because of my mental health I am now on limited capability for work and work related activity and I have to get out of where I am but I don't know what to do. My mum is a good person and has done a lot for me but she has her own demons only she can fight as I have tried many times talking to her about it. How do I find a place to live when I am on benefits and not employed? Im so worried that my mum would be so hurt if she knew all this as to her she thinks she is helping but im at the end and something has to change. Now I have given in and self harmed again last night and the relief it gave me I just know this will be something I am not going to be able to stop now for the next few days. I just need to be somewhere with my kids where I feel safe but at the same time not hurt the people who have tried to help and are good people but have their own issues I cant be apart of anymore. I dont know where to turn, im so lost and so worried about what outcomes there are if I keep feeling this way I just need some advice......please if there is anyone here who can help I will be so grateful. Thank you for the not so short story in the end

matt11012

Here for some much needed advice

janer1967

Hi and welcome to the community 

How can we help you 

poppy123456

Hi and welcome,

That sure is a lot to be dealing with. May i ask if your children are currently living with you? It's not clear from your post.

Ami2301

Welcome to the community @matt11012 how are you today?

chiarieds

Hi @matt11012 - thank you so much for joining, & sharing your story. First I must say do indeed be proud of yourself for being sober for over a year....do indeed give yourself credit for that, & it can't be easy keeping sober with your Mum & step-dad being alcoholics.

I can only speak personally, but am doing so as my children, who are now young adults, mean the world to me too. My situation is completely different, but writing in case it helps. To cut my long story short, my husband was very controlling, which obviously affected me; I didn't see the harm it caused my children. My eldest daughter didn't confess to self harming until after I left her Dad several years ago. Unfortunately due to her husband becoming an alcoholic, this continued until she ended up in hospital with a bad infection, so she sought help, & has stopped self harming.

You might not call it self harm, but my son as a teenager, & whilst I was still with my then husband, scratched his arms & legs so badly that they bled every night. My husband thought I was molly coddling him by strapping gloves onto his hands each night, which my son asked me to do. It was only afterwards that I realised my son was doing this because of the stress he felt under. After I left my husband my son continued to scratch his arms badly, which he hid from me, & suffered depression for 2 years. His only way forward was to have no contact with his Dad, whereas my daughter has stayed in contact. My children & I are are even closer since I removed myself from what I can see now was a toxic, abusive relationship.

I don't know for sure, but would hope your GP might be your first port of call. You & your lovely children deserve to be in a better & safe place. I didn't know I could be helped, but there is help out there. Nothing to stop you staying in contact with your Mum too. My best wishes to you all.

woodbine

@matt11012 and another warm welcome from me as well

Ross_Alumni

Hello @matt11012

Welcome to the community and thank you for speaking so honestly about what you're going through, it can't be easy to write about.

I have sent you an email from community@scope.org.uk to see if we can offer you any support, so feel free to respond if you fancy a chat about things.

Take care

matt11012

poppy123456 said:

Hi and welcome,

That sure is a lot to be dealing with. May i ask if your children are currently living with you? It's not clear from your post.

Hi, sorry for the late reply. My children are with me from Sunday to Wednesday and go back to thier mum's on Thursday. Recently they have been spending more time with me as thier mum works full time