Firstly I’d like to say hi I’m new. After googling for weeks looking for something to read what will give me at least one ounce of confidence with pip ringing me Friday. I come across this page and I’ve read some in the similar situation as me and really disheartened it’s made me petrified of answering that call, incase I mess it up or I forget something even tho I think I’ve written most down. I’ll start by telling you about me and what stops me from being a normal person.
I have a depression, ocd, anxiety, panic disorder, back pain, wrist pain, knee pain, due to overly cracking them cos of ocd. Acid reflux, bad bowels
I am a unstable person, mentally. I do things I know isn’t normal. This is what gets to me too because I’d long to be normal.
I’m never good at how to word things, I get confused and forget. I would like if anyone could have an input on how I word things or say things to this caller. I always need reassurance.
I panic around people, tbh I hate people, they have brought me nothing but misery in my life. I am a loner and no family or friends. I house share with another person but they know nothing about me. I will only come out my room when they are at work. Or out. Luckily they are always out and just sleep here. I always sleep. If I sleep I’m not thinking or here in this world. But when I’m awake, it’s just like I have no existence in this life and that I’m pointless in being here, but also want to be here and I don’t know why my head is saying be here don’t be here.
If I have a drs appointment, I’m thinking about it for days, working myself up about it. My ocd anxiety goes seriously bad. Things I do and say. I will give you a run down of what I have to do and say. Say if I’m going from my bedroom to the kitchen to back to the bedroom. I will walk to the kitchen and be counting my steps, I can’t land on an odd or a number I don’t like, I’m constantly 1,2,3,4 and one for good luck. If I don’t like how I’ve walked to the kitchen or if I’m not satisfied on how properly I counted I have to do it all over again. This can take up to 20 mins just to get to the kitchen. I only will eat ready made meals because flat mate has a cat and I have a really weak stomach and I have a fear of hair on me and in my food. Just thinking about it makes me feel sick and gag if I overthink it. I have to shake my head and go no no no stop, stop it! I swear at myself and it’s so frustrating…. I’m having to count when I touch the switch, I haven’t even used the cooker and I’m spending 15 mins checking it. My ritual is exhausting to point I’m have a melt down. I’ll cry and I’m on the floor, I’m just fed up of it and I just can’t snap out of it. Then when I’m walking back to my room I’m counting again, checking behind me everything is ok, the window is shut properly cos I think if it’s not the cat could jump out and die. I check the cooker for the same reason incase the gas is leaking and it would be my fault because I didn’t check it over. When I’m back in my room I’ve to check and count the door. Then I have to check my food for hair even tho I didn’t make it and was in plastic film. Then when I feel satisfied with the checking I have to say “Thankyou god for protecting me I love you” and in my head he says I love you too. And then I’ll eat. With drinks, if I use a glass I have to cover it in clean foil and then cover the top.every time I drink from it I have to use my phone torch to check anything is in the glass. Then I’m counting for that…. That is only a bite size of what I have to do. I don’t want to make the post too long.
I often poo myself because I have a bad stomach. The ritual for that and cleaning myself is the worst. ESP if I’m running out of time if flat mate is due home.
My acid reflux is bad to where it comes up and im sick.
I have back pain from few years ago I fell down the stairs I have a massive water lump on my butt because I fell right on my left butt cheek over time my back has got worse over time. I can’t stand at something like a counter for a long time as it makes me keel over. My wrists are bad from cracking when nervous and ocd and I can’t pick up medium to heavy things. Like a pan full of water I can’t keep it up.
My panic disorder, I am on edge constantly, a fly could go past my head and it scares me and my insides panic. I can’t have anything loud,,, if I hear shouting in the streets it scares me and I’m in panic mode. I feel an absolute failure to life. I am a 31 yr old female, no children, no nothing. But mental issues.,
do you think the pip people will just laugh at me and think i don’t allow to have pip? Any advice how to word things would be appreciated, and how to calm down before I make myself pass out. Sorry for the long post.
Jess x
