first partner — Scope | Disability forum
New to the community? Remember to read our community guidelines and our community house rules.
Concerned about another member's safety or wellbeing? Find out how to let us know.

first partner

redOwl Member Posts: 9 Listener
edited October 13 in Autism and neurodiversity
Not sure where to post this i have lot lot problems with grammar and understanding things

Few weeks now been living with gf we met online  moved away from family caused a lot problems so on my own living with her .We both on spectrum  few things concerned over not sure how to feel

She had breakdown down because way her ex was he pressure her all time first thing she asked me if anything like her ex she couldnt be with someone like that again and because breakdown her child taken off her .

She asked me move in with her at moment only stayed few weeks so far found out when living with her that has social worker visiting her she trying get her child back something at time she told me about but she told me if social worker ask im just friend staying with her.

When ever i  get text or calls she want listen in on them when she gets calls want me be quiet as if im not there  and  ex bf calling her she seem sharing a lot with him what she doing what been going on even keeping some stuff around the house more then she talk me about  .She said he only text or call her now  seem weird that bags his stuff that she says wont throw away because its expensive he called round pick some of it before i visited her .Some stuff very weird of sexual nature  that she said because he has no one else still talk  seem be lot flirting even do she said he may show up hopes he doesnt and that she knows he wants get back with her.

Feel like maybe something still going on ask her about that she said just friends moved on he accepted things over  then later on that she said knows  he want get back with her .Because this first partner im not sure how feel about things like if she really serious



  • L_Volunteer
    L_Volunteer Community Volunteer Adviser Posts: 334 Pioneering
    Hi @redOwl

    Welcome to Scope's forum. It is great to see you have joined us. Thanks for reaching out to us, I always appreciate how much courage it must take to reach out for the first time. I am so sorry to hear you are experiencing difficulties with your relationship. What does your gut instinct tell you? Your gut instinct is normally always correct. If you are not sure, I would recommend you to speak to her explicitly about how you feel if this is something you feel comfortable with. Do you have any specific questions we can help you with? Take care for now and I will look forward to hearing from you again soon! 
    I have expertise in the following subjects, gained through professional settings such as high level education or employment: autism spectrum disorder, dyslexia, down's syndrome, social, emotional and mental health difficulties, assistive technology and education. Pronouns: She/her.
  • Teddybear12
    Teddybear12 Member Posts: 765 Pioneering
    Hi @redOwl I hope you enjoy being part of the Community. If you have any questions please ask. Sorry to hear of your problems with your girlfriend. What you do not want is to be "piggy in the middle". From what you have said it would appear that your girlfriend has not moved on from her previous boyfriend. Why is she still talking to him on the phone and keeping some of his stuff ? It is difficult especially as this is your first relationship and you have moved away from your family. Can you tell her how this is making you feel ? After a few weeks is this how you thought it would be ?  Good luck, take care.
  • Tori_Scope
    Tori_Scope Posts: 6,060

    Scope community team

    Welcome to the community @red0wl :) Thanks for joining, it's really good to have you with us. Thank you also for being so honest in your first post here. As L_Volunteer has said, it can be difficult to be so open, so well done on taking that first step. 

    It can be hard knowing what's normal, or what 'feels right', in your first relationship. It does sound as though your new partner is working through some difficult things at the moment, and it's understandable that this would be affecting you. 
    moved away from family caused a lot problems so on my own living with her
    Could you tell us a little more about how moving in with your girlfriend caused problems? Were your family concerned over it?
    he told me if social worker ask im just friend staying with her.
    You shouldn't have to hide your relationship from the social worker. Have you spoken to your girlfriend about why she doesn't want to tell the social worker that you're in a relationship and living together? Do you think she'd be willing to chat to the social worker about it?
    When ever i  get text or calls she want listen in on them
    This also doesn't seem quite right to me. You should be able to make texts and calls in private, without her listening in. Have you tried speaking to her about why she wants to listen in, or to tell her that you need your privacy?
    ex bf calling her she seem sharing a lot with him what she doing what been going on even keeping some stuff around the house more then she talk me about  .She said he only text or call her now  seem weird that bags his stuff that she says wont throw away because its expensive he called round pick some of it before i visited her .Some stuff very weird of sexual nature  that she said because he has no one else still talk  seem be lot flirting even do she said he may show up hopes he doesnt and that she knows he wants get back with her.
    Do you know whether she's been speaking to the social worker about the contact she's been having with her ex-boyfriend? I can understand why this would feel confusing to you, as it sounds as though they don't have particularly clear boundaries in their relationship now they're ex-partners. Again, have you spoken to her about how you're feeling about the contact they're having? 

    I realise it can be difficult to have these sorts of conversations with your partner, especially so early on in the relationship. However, it's important to have open communication with your partner. Would you feel safe bringing up any of these thoughts and concerns up with her? 

    If you were to take some time away from each other to work things out, would you be able to move back in with your family if needed do you think? 
    Online Community Coordinator, she/her

    Concerned about another member's safety or wellbeing? Flag your concerns with us.

    Want to give us feedback? Complete our feedback form now.
  • redOwl
    redOwl Member Posts: 9 Listener
    Its hard to understand a lot of it we met online  she told me like relationship with me even when said never had one before i feel that i would be a lot to cope with.That she feels connection with me after told about my past that we have similar past growing up lot family problems she told me a bit about her past when asked more about she wont tell me anything more.We where chatting a lot things got very tense when told me wanted have child with me we hadnt even met then .

    It got intense when tried to explain never had relationship and feel that wouldnt be able cope she saying just excuse not have child with her that if really loved her have child with her.Later on told me testing me see if leave her give into  her that she wasnt really after child then saying she was after child all wanted life was child  the prefect family .

    She told me in love with me  want spend rest her life with me feeling confused by it asked if just after after child with me that if she wanted that could get back with ex who said message everyday for sex .She would of had child with him if he hadnt left

    Behaviour very hard to understand she asking me things like try of sexual nature when told her lack experience in that she told me concerned that i maybe not be suitable for her she has physical needs later on changed changed from that saying how she protect and support me .

    She told be beginning that she was on pill later on she wasnt on it and only be really relationship if no protection at all feels like something is off just dont know what it is she always saying love me but doesnt feel like it .Feel moment after some adice on this because moment not sure think i like relationship with her but feels like something off when asked her she just says know how i feel that she in love with wants spend rest life with me

  • Teddybear12
    Teddybear12 Member Posts: 765 Pioneering
    Hi @redOwl I think this is all going to fast. Could you go back to your family for a while and have a break and think what it is that you want? After a few weeks when you are just getting to know each other it is not a time for even thinking of having a child. From what you have written I think you know that this is not what you want . It is a first relationship there will be others it has to be what you want is it? Good luck. 
  • redOwl
    redOwl Member Posts: 9 Listener
    That   been separated few months he moved out that breakdown over it. she still recovering from it when ever has problems he text or phone her .

    At time knew where problems nothing just bare boards   are no heating that at time needed get away things where getting to intense daily arguments over this .

    when got there found things where a lot  worst stuff in bags take away containers  just in bags on floors house infested and there few pregnancy testing kits  something wouldnt think of odd until way she saying wanted child that be prefect family that she was in love with me. I was making her choose between being with me are having child  when said something feel i couldnt cope with  that hadnt even met yet

    When first started chatting shared a lot about myself times find hard  understanding boundary what should and should not talk about about my family things happened in past how effect me now still in ways .When she told me about  a bit about her past thinking be similar to mine  it was lot worst  at time she wanted come down see me .Finding a lot she told me very hard to understand when told her having difficulty understanding she told me just stop thinking about it.Made mistake talking to step mum about it who later on told rest family thinking because how serious it was she wouldnt just tell everyone.Finding out next day she told everyone when sat down with them same always they just talk about there selves and what i should do .

    With social worker she want me move in but not say we together she only telling me some things what susprised me when she talking to her ex told him more about it then weeks we been living together .When chatting to her mentioned about her child thought be better off in care  then she wanted her back home only find when moved in that she already trying get  her back home .

    Think part reason was she looking text was time family texting calling a lot times showing her  some text messages then she seem want me sit next her when was chatting on phone dont know she did that she doesnt seem to do as much now.

    When social worker here over hearing that things better now with ex out the house so dont think she knows that still  in contact .She said still recovering from her ex and way he was do seem very defense of him  that just way he was his illness  excusing  how he behaved that he seem phone a lot wants me be quiet like im not there .
  • Teddybear12
    Teddybear12 Member Posts: 765 Pioneering
    Hi @redOwl So sorry it is so completed. Have you decided what to do ?  Good luck. Take care.
  • ellieflower3
    ellieflower3 Member Posts: 173 Courageous
    Lilly Josh  <3
  • redOwl
    redOwl Member Posts: 9 Listener
    Dont  know feel this crazy hiding in bedroom while her socal worker visits if she finds out about me we just friends now another with social worker .Way all week sit surrounded by takeway containers and bags rubbish then clean away when social worker visits like living double lives this would only be few months now could be years.

  • Teddybear12
    Teddybear12 Member Posts: 765 Pioneering
    Hi @redOwl Are you happy in this relationship? Could you live somewhere else, back at your parents home perhaps. Take care. 
  • redOwl
    redOwl Member Posts: 9 Listener
    think more confused by it at moment
  • Cress
    Cress Member Posts: 968 Pioneering
    As a forum member I'd say have an open and frank a mother I'd say way too many red flags...

  • woodbine
    woodbine Community Co-Production Group Posts: 5,330 Disability Gamechanger
    Have to agree with @Cress was too many red flags, she seems to have too many issues from what you are saying my advice would be to walk away now while you can.
    I am a person with epilepsy not an epileptic, my illness doesn't define me.
  • janer1967
    janer1967 Member Posts: 12,327 Disability Gamechanger
    Agree with the above you are getting into something far too complex for your first relationship and this could impact on future 

    Moving way too fast and you need to take a step back and ask yourself what you are getting from the relationship if you are already having concerns they are not likely to get any easier 
    Here to help with my experience in hunan resources and employment rights 
  • redOwl
    redOwl Member Posts: 9 Listener
    Think have try find place on my own are move back thought first maybe these red flags wherent so bad maybe could work thought them .To much behaviour  cant even make any sense of it one moment how she loves me then she just dont even know how describle it she switch off go cold not talking or just watching movies for hours .Probably something that i dont understand  now she asking to find place move in with her would be like this all time .
  • Teddybear12
    Teddybear12 Member Posts: 765 Pioneering
    Hi @redOwl I agree I think you would be better in a place of your own or move back with family. I think you would find over time things would get worse. Good luck.


Do you need advice on your energy costs?

Scope’s Disability Energy Support service is open to any disabled household in England or Wales in which one or more disabled people live. You can get free advice from an expert adviser on managing energy debt, switching tariffs, contacting your supplier and more. Find out more information by visiting our
Disability Energy Support webpage.

Fancy a chat in our virtual coffee lounge?

Put the kettle on and have a chat in our coffee lounge with other members. We talk about hobbies, games and anything else you can think of!

Cerebral Palsy (CP) Online Cafe

Here's a new opportunity for people with CP or a similar disability (aged 20+) to get together and chat. The sessions are in partnership with CP Sport so you can find out more and meet people from both organisations.

Are you struggling?

Read our 'Coping with stress, low mood and isolation' support thread for a run-down of ideas on how to banish those blues and feel happier.

What do you think about the community?

Complete our feedback form and tell us how we can make the community a better space for you.

Information about COVID-19

If you have questions about the virus, please read our information and support which includes guidance on benefits, getting food and essentials and Cerebral Palsy.

Back to school this September?

Read tips on how to settle back in and handle any worries you or your children might be having this new term.