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first partner

redOwl

Not sure where to post this i have lot lot problems with grammar and understanding things

Few weeks now been living with gf we met online moved away from family caused a lot problems so on my own living with her .We both on spectrum few things concerned over not sure how to feel

She had breakdown down because way her ex was he pressure her all time first thing she asked me if anything like her ex she couldnt be with someone like that again and because breakdown her child taken off her .

She asked me move in with her at moment only stayed few weeks so far found out when living with her that has social worker visiting her she trying get her child back something at time she told me about but she told me if social worker ask im just friend staying with her.

When ever i get text or calls she want listen in on them when she gets calls want me be quiet as if im not there and ex bf calling her she seem sharing a lot with him what she doing what been going on even keeping some stuff around the house more then she talk me about .She said he only text or call her now seem weird that bags his stuff that she says wont throw away because its expensive he called round pick some of it before i visited her .Some stuff very weird of sexual nature that she said because he has no one else still talk seem be lot flirting even do she said he may show up hopes he doesnt and that she knows he wants get back with her.

Feel like maybe something still going on ask her about that she said just friends moved on he accepted things over then later on that she said knows he want get back with her .Because this first partner im not sure how feel about things like if she really serious

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L_Volunteer

Hi @redOwl,

Welcome to Scope's forum. It is great to see you have joined us. Thanks for reaching out to us, I always appreciate how much courage it must take to reach out for the first time. I am so sorry to hear you are experiencing difficulties with your relationship. What does your gut instinct tell you? Your gut instinct is normally always correct. If you are not sure, I would recommend you to speak to her explicitly about how you feel if this is something you feel comfortable with. Do you have any specific questions we can help you with? Take care for now and I will look forward to hearing from you again soon!

Tori_Scope

Welcome to the community @red0wl

Thanks for joining, it's really good to have you with us. Thank you also for being so honest in your first post here. As L_Volunteer has said, it can be difficult to be so open, so well done on taking that first step.

It can be hard knowing what's normal, or what 'feels right', in your first relationship. It does sound as though your new partner is working through some difficult things at the moment, and it's understandable that this would be affecting you.

moved away from family caused a lot problems so on my own living with her

Could you tell us a little more about how moving in with your girlfriend caused problems? Were your family concerned over it?

he told me if social worker ask im just friend staying with her.

You shouldn't have to hide your relationship from the social worker. Have you spoken to your girlfriend about why she doesn't want to tell the social worker that you're in a relationship and living together? Do you think she'd be willing to chat to the social worker about it?

When ever i get text or calls she want listen in on them

This also doesn't seem quite right to me. You should be able to make texts and calls in private, without her listening in. Have you tried speaking to her about why she wants to listen in, or to tell her that you need your privacy?

ex bf calling her she seem sharing a lot with him what she doing what been going on even keeping some stuff around the house more then she talk me about .She said he only text or call her now seem weird that bags his stuff that she says wont throw away because its expensive he called round pick some of it before i visited her .Some stuff very weird of sexual nature that she said because he has no one else still talk seem be lot flirting even do she said he may show up hopes he doesnt and that she knows he wants get back with her.

Do you know whether she's been speaking to the social worker about the contact she's been having with her ex-boyfriend? I can understand why this would feel confusing to you, as it sounds as though they don't have particularly clear boundaries in their relationship now they're ex-partners. Again, have you spoken to her about how you're feeling about the contact they're having?

I realise it can be difficult to have these sorts of conversations with your partner, especially so early on in the relationship. However, it's important to have open communication with your partner. Would you feel safe bringing up any of these thoughts and concerns up with her?

If you were to take some time away from each other to work things out, would you be able to move back in with your family if needed do you think?

redOwl

Its hard to understand a lot of it we met online she told me like relationship with me even when said never had one before i feel that i would be a lot to cope with.That she feels connection with me after told about my past that we have similar past growing up lot family problems she told me a bit about her past when asked more about she wont tell me anything more.We where chatting a lot things got very tense when told me wanted have child with me we hadnt even met then .

It got intense when tried to explain never had relationship and feel that wouldnt be able cope she saying just excuse not have child with her that if really loved her have child with her.Later on told me testing me see if leave her give into her that she wasnt really after child then saying she was after child all wanted life was child the prefect family .

She told me in love with me want spend rest her life with me feeling confused by it asked if just after after child with me that if she wanted that could get back with ex who said message everyday for sex .She would of had child with him if he hadnt left

Behaviour very hard to understand she asking me things like try of sexual nature when told her lack experience in that she told me concerned that i maybe not be suitable for her she has physical needs later on changed changed from that saying how she protect and support me .

She told be beginning that she was on pill later on she wasnt on it and only be really relationship if no protection at all feels like something is off just dont know what it is she always saying love me but doesnt feel like it .Feel moment after some adice on this because moment not sure think i like relationship with her but feels like something off when asked her she just says know how i feel that she in love with wants spend rest life with me

redOwl

That been separated few months he moved out that breakdown over it. she still recovering from it when ever has problems he text or phone her .

At time knew where problems nothing just bare boards are no heating that at time needed get away things where getting to intense daily arguments over this .

when got there found things where a lot worst stuff in bags take away containers just in bags on floors house infested and there few pregnancy testing kits something wouldnt think of odd until way she saying wanted child that be prefect family that she was in love with me. I was making her choose between being with me are having child when said something feel i couldnt cope with that hadnt even met yet

When first started chatting shared a lot about myself times find hard understanding boundary what should and should not talk about about my family things happened in past how effect me now still in ways .When she told me about a bit about her past thinking be similar to mine it was lot worst at time she wanted come down see me .Finding a lot she told me very hard to understand when told her having difficulty understanding she told me just stop thinking about it.Made mistake talking to step mum about it who later on told rest family thinking because how serious it was she wouldnt just tell everyone.Finding out next day she told everyone when sat down with them same always they just talk about there selves and what i should do .

With social worker she want me move in but not say we together she only telling me some things what susprised me when she talking to her ex told him more about it then weeks we been living together .When chatting to her mentioned about her child thought be better off in care then she wanted her back home only find when moved in that she already trying get her back home .

Think part reason was she looking text was time family texting calling a lot times showing her some text messages then she seem want me sit next her when was chatting on phone dont know she did that she doesnt seem to do as much now.

When social worker here over hearing that things better now with ex out the house so dont think she knows that still in contact .She said still recovering from her ex and way he was do seem very defense of him that just way he was his illness excusing how he behaved that he seem phone a lot wants me be quiet like im not there .

ellieflower3

redOwl

Dont know feel this crazy hiding in bedroom while her socal worker visits if she finds out about me we just friends now another with social worker .Way all week sit surrounded by takeway containers and bags rubbish then clean away when social worker visits like living double lives this would only be few months now could be years.

redOwl

think more confused by it at moment

Cress

As a forum member I'd say have an open and frank discussion...as a mother I'd say way too many red flags...

janer1967

Agree with the above you are getting into something far too complex for your first relationship and this could impact on future

Moving way too fast and you need to take a step back and ask yourself what you are getting from the relationship if you are already having concerns they are not likely to get any easier

redOwl

Think have try find place on my own are move back thought first maybe these red flags wherent so bad maybe could work thought them .To much behaviour cant even make any sense of it one moment how she loves me then she just dont even know how describle it she switch off go cold not talking or just watching movies for hours .Probably something that i dont understand now she asking to find place move in with her would be like this all time .