23 year old disabled man, don't know if I will ever find a relationship

Jack_Humphries_98

Hi my name is Jack and I use a wheelchair, I'm not really used to posting here so I apologize if this comes off as ramblely. Recently I've been pretty down. I've wanted to find love ever since I was 16 but everyone just kept telling me to be patience. Thing is is that I'm now 23 almost 24 and I'm still in the same place. Meanwhile the rest of my friends and family are already in a relationship, some even getting married.

 It really hit me when I went out with a group of friends the other day and I was the only one without a date, I don't know why but that really hurt. I've tried online dating and I did look at the Outsiders club but from what I saw they don't do much in my area.

I guess part of the problem is that people always tell me that it will happen but it's getting harder and harder to believe that. I just wish they would be more honest with me, that I'm one of the unlucky ones and just move on. Instead all it does is get my hopes up only to feel lonely again come new years.

I'm sorry if I come off as whiny but I needed somewhere I could let this out. Does anyone have any helpful advice? 

Tori_Scope

Hi @Jack_Humphries_98  

I don't want to encroach on this discussion too much, as I hope that some of our other members who've been in a more similar position will be able to offer some advice and support. You're definitely not the only person in this situation! I know me saying that might not make you feel any less alone right now, but I hope it does give you some comfort.

I'm not a wheelchair user myself, but I didn't get into my first relationship until I was around 23. There were quite a few different things holding me back, and I didn't really think it would ever happen for me either. I'm now really happy in my relationship though, and wish I'd been a bit less worried about it!

I felt as though many of my friends were getting into relationships when I was at university, and I'd never been on a date. I know it can be a bit frustrating when people say to 'just be patient', but I do think it's sound advice in a way. Everyone moves at their own pace, and there's no set timeline for when things 'should' happen. 

It's good to hear that you've been going out with your friends, as that can be a great way of building your confidence and meeting new people. Have you tried speaking to anyone you don't know when you're out, or asking your friends if they know anyone they could introduce you to? Attending groups or events with people you don't know based around an interest or hobby you have can also be a good way of meeting new people, as you immediately have something in common to talk about. Have you ever tried using a site like Meetup to find things near you? 

You may also be interested in reading @Danielle_2022's recent blog post about dating and disability.

Jack_Humphries_98

Tori_Scope said:

Hi @Jack_Humphries_98  

I don't want to encroach on this discussion too much, as I hope that some of our other members who've been in a more similar position will be able to offer some advice and support. You're definitely not the only person in this situation! I know me saying that might not make you feel any less alone right now, but I hope it does give you some comfort.

I'm not a wheelchair user myself, but I didn't get into my first relationship until I was around 23. There were quite a few different things holding me back, and I didn't really think it would ever happen for me either. I'm now really happy in my relationship though, and wish I'd been a bit less worried about it!

I felt as though many of my friends were getting into relationships when I was at university, and I'd never been on a date. I know it can be a bit frustrating when people say to 'just be patient', but I do think it's sound advice in a way. Everyone moves at their own pace, and there's no set timeline for when things 'should' happen. 

It's good to hear that you've been going out with your friends, as that can be a great way of building your confidence and meeting new people. Have you tried speaking to anyone you don't know when you're out, or asking your friends if they know anyone they could introduce you to? Attending groups or events with people you don't know based around an interest or hobby you have can also be a good way of meeting new people, as you immediately have something in common to talk about. Have you ever tried using a site like Meetup to find things near you? 

You may also be interested in reading @Danielle_2022's recent blog post about dating and disability.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, that alone helps a lot. I am in a couple of Discord groups that I found through Meetup and I have fun there. I have tried to look for more social groups, I live in Peterborough and there doesn't seem to be much that's accessible to me unfortunately. I have thought of talking to people out and about. Not really for romantic reasons just to make friends, thing is I always get cold feet and worry they'll see me as weird or a bother.

MissMarple

You are definitely not alone, a lot of people find dating difficult, myself included. It is about time and luck, yes, but I'd like to think that a lot depends on the individual. Our task is not to just be waiting around patiently, but be active in terms of trying to meet new people, initiate conversations etc. So you are doing it right going out, having tried online dating etc.

Also, a thought on everybody else having somebody. I can totally relate to the feeling, especially that I'm older than you and people in my age group tend to be married. But if you look at the divorce rates or just listen when out and about how some couples talk to each other, it is obvious that a lot of relationships are far from ideal.

Tori_Scope

I know it's easier said than done, but try not to overthink too much about whether people might think you're weird or bothersome @Jack_Humphries_98. Some people might not be up for talking to new people while out, and that's fine, but many people are. Do you have a friend who'd be up for going out with you to meet new people?

Yes, not all events are accessible, which is a real shame Is there a regular one that is accessible which you could attend? 

I'm glad you have fun in the Discord groups  

Danielle_2022

Hi there @Jack_Humphries_98,
I just wanted to drop by and say that I relate to so many of these thoughts and experiences so deeply. I have been a wheelchair user for my whole life (I turn 25 in April) and I spent such a long time feeling so alone. I will never forget being about ten and bursting into tears during an appointment to get new splints for my legs just because the guy made a joke about all of the attention I'd receive on Valentine's Day. I couldn't imagine that ever being a reality for me and it was more painful than I can accurately put into words.

I also had to watch everyone around me start dating etc., including my non-disabled twin brother. My parents consistently tried to prepare me for the possibility that I would never experience any of the same things, which I think actually probably made things worse, despite their best intentions. Everyone else just laughed about it, if I'm being totally honest. It became a very standard joke, which wasn't fun. 

Of course, there was also times where people would cancel dates with me after realising that I'm disabled. God, I spent an embarrassing amount of time crying about it, looking back. Unfortunately, it is difficult and there can sometimes be no escaping that. Please know that you're allowed to be sad about it.

However, here's the good news: as of yesterday, I have officially been dating my partner for a whole year, which is still wild to think about. So much of it feels very fragile and vulnerable, which is nothing to do with the strength of our relationship, but rather people's reactions to it. Because they don't understand how someone like me could be perceived in a romantic way, you know? Maybe some people will never understand. It is both that simple and that complicated at the same time. We met online, which seems to be very commonplace these days. Have you set up profiles? If it's any consolation: I think you come across very well and truly anybody would be lucky to date you -- they just don't know it yet. Setting up profiles on dating apps is a great way of giving them the heads up . I can't promise that it will work out immediately, but let's not forget that you have so much to offer. I still tell myself that out loud every morning, even now. 

Finally, about making friends: I mean, feel free to consider me a friend. It's not easy to make these connections, especially as we get older, but I think you'd find that most people are very receptive to it. You just have to give people a chance sometimes. Going out with your friends is the first step! Good luck out there

PS: please watch this interview with Shane and Hannah Burcaw, whenever you need extra validation that it does happen for disabled people, sometimes in the most unexpected ways.

Jack_Humphries_98

MissMarple said:

You are definitely not alone, a lot of people find dating difficult, myself included. It is about time and luck, yes, but I'd like to think that a lot depends on the individual. Our task is not to just be waiting around patiently, but be active in terms of trying to meet new people, initiate conversations etc. So you are doing it right going out, having tried online dating etc.

Also, a thought on everybody else having somebody. I can totally relate to the feeling, especially that I'm older than you and people in my age group tend to be married. But if you look at the divorce rates or just listen when out and about how some couples talk to each other, it is obvious that a lot of relationships are far from ideal.

I'm learning this more and more, that being a relationship does not equate to happiness and things aren't always as great as they look. This has helped me to get perspective on things, I'm not giving up but I'm also going to try on to stress, thank you!

Jack_Humphries_98

Danielle_2022 said:

Hi there @Jack_Humphries_98,
I just wanted to drop by and say that I relate to so many of these thoughts and experiences so deeply. I have been a wheelchair user for my whole life (I turn 25 in April) and I spent such a long time feeling so alone. I will never forget being about ten and bursting into tears during an appointment to get new splints for my legs just because the guy made a joke about all of the attention I'd receive on Valentine's Day. I couldn't imagine that ever being a reality for me and it was more painful than I can accurately put into words.

I also had to watch everyone around me start dating etc., including my non-disabled twin brother. My parents consistently tried to prepare me for the possibility that I would never experience any of the same things, which I think actually probably made things worse, despite their best intentions. Everyone else just laughed about it, if I'm being totally honest. It became a very standard joke, which wasn't fun. 

Of course, there was also times where people would cancel dates with me after realising that I'm disabled. God, I spent an embarrassing amount of time crying about it, looking back. Unfortunately, it is difficult and there can sometimes be no escaping that. Please know that you're allowed to be sad about it.

However, here's the good news: as of yesterday, I have officially been dating my partner for a whole year, which is still wild to think about. So much of it feels very fragile and vulnerable, which is nothing to do with the strength of our relationship, but rather people's reactions to it. Because they don't understand how someone like me could be perceived in a romantic way, you know? Maybe some people will never understand. It is both that simple and that complicated at the same time. We met online, which seems to be very commonplace these days. Have you set up profiles? If it's any consolation: I think you come across very well and truly anybody would be lucky to date you -- they just don't know it yet. Setting up profiles on dating apps is a great way of giving them the heads up . I can't promise that it will work out immediately, but let's not forget that you have so much to offer. I still tell myself that out loud every morning, even now. 

Finally, about making friends: I mean, feel free to consider me a friend. It's not easy to make these connections, especially as we get older, but I think you'd find that most people are very receptive to it. You just have to give people a chance sometimes. Going out with your friends is the first step! Good luck out there

PS: please watch this interview with Shane and Hannah Burcaw, whenever you need extra validation that it does happen for disabled people, sometimes in the most unexpected ways.

Thank  you, seriously thank you. Sometimes hearing it from someone who knows your situation really helps and that's exactly what this did for me. I'm really sorry to hear all the bad stuff you went through and congratulations and your eventual success. Even if hypothetically it never happens for me, I'm not going to give up. 

Tori_Scope

I'm glad you've found the responses helpful so far @jack_humphries_98  

Another YouTube channel you might like to check out is Roll with Cole and Charisma. 

Danielle_2022

@Jack_Humphries_98,
You are more than welcome and I’m so pleased to hear that you’re not going to give up searching for a relationship now. This news has already made my whole day so much better! You really deserve it and I hope you have lots of success! I can’t wait to hear all about it. 

If you need any more help and advice around setting up dating profiles online, please let me know because I’d be so happy to support you. I have said this before (and I will say it again), but disabled people make better partners, anyway. There are lots of reasons for this that I won’t bore you with now, but do look in the mirror and be kind to yourself today.

& you know what? Even just going on a few dates, whether they work out or not, can be a wonderfully good thing.

Leo_Aces

Hi @Jack_Humphries_98, I think as @Tori_Scope, @MissMarple and @Danielle_2022 have said dating is tough for the majority of people whether you have a disability or not. 

Has you ever heard somebody say: “You'll meet somebody when you least expect it?” 

I'm not sure what you all think,  I find the Law Of Attraction makes a lot of sense with regards to the difficulties around dating. 

So, if you are unfamiliar with Law Of Attraction is a simple Philosophical concept. Despite how the name sounds, it is not specifically to do with dating or relationships. It basically refers to the notion that whatever we focus on, whether positive or negative, we get more of! 

For example: if a person feels that they would like to have more friends. They feel down that they can not seem to meet new people or find anybody that they have things in common with, the more these things happen. 

I know for me in the past, I focused on my Cerebral Palsy and thinking that finding a partner would be really tough because it would be difficult for people to get their head around my disability.  However, once I began to let go of this belief and actually stopped actively trying to look for a partner, I began to receive more messages on the dating site I was on! 

This was 9 years ago and it lead to meeting my partner of 8 years.

If you are interested to learn more about The Law Of Attraction, I recommend this video: https://youtu.be/VINIijXtjiM

Ultimately I would say, be proud and unapologetically yourself, others will soon gravitate towards you.

jl151080

I can't offer advice but I can empathise. I'm 41 and have never been in a relationship, nor have I had any sexual experience. I am now resigned that the probability for me is that neither will ever happen. All I can say is, you are not alone. 

Leo_Aces

@jl151080 I felt quite sad reading your comment. Dating and relationships can be so tough at any age. You say that you feel that the probability for you is that it will never happen, but I’m wondering if you have made the decision or do you just feel that your attempts of seeking relationships are simply of no prevail? 

jl151080

Leo_Aces said:

@jl151080 I felt quite sad reading your comment. Dating and relationships can be so tough at any age. You say that you feel that the probability for you is that it will never happen, but I’m wondering if you have made the decision or do you just feel that your attempts of seeking relationships are simply of no prevail? 

I live in hope, but I do feel that the reality is my life will continue as it is currently and I will remain single, as I have yet to meet anyone who reciprocates my feelings towards them. 

Leo_Aces

“I live in hope, but I do feel that the reality is my life will continue as it is currently and I will remain single, as I have yet to meet anyone who reciprocates my feelings towards them. “

May I ask where you have been looking for a potential relationship? Mutual hobbies, clubs? Online dating sites?

jl151080

Leo_Aces said:

“I live in hope, but I do feel that the reality is my life will continue as it is currently and I will remain single, as I have yet to meet anyone who reciprocates my feelings towards them. “

May I ask where you have been looking for a potential relationship? Mutual hobbies, clubs? Online dating sites?

I’ve tried apps like tinder and bumble, but that only leads to exchanging a few messages.  

I’ve been interested in tarot so went on a course a couple of months back, stuff like that, but it never leads to meeting anyone who could be a potential date.

ana_tudorache

Hi, Jack. 
My name is Ana, I will soon be 18 and I live in Spain. I also have to apologize because this is my first comment on this platform and I don't really know how things work in here, and my first language is not English so I'm not that good.
Jack, I find your story very touching and I would like to know more about you! 
By the way, your comment has helped me become more aware of the way I talk to people with disabilities, I understand that vague comments to give them hope are not always good. 
I don't know how long ago you posted this, hope I'm not too late. Either way, thanks for posting this to raise awareness and hope I get to hear from you again. See you! 

Juliiaa

Hi Jack!

You are not alone as if this community exists for all of us. The advice was given is to be active in terms of trying to meet new people - this is completely true! 

L_Volunteer

The support on this thread is amazing. Thanks to everyone who has contributed to this thread. You make the community the supportive and friendly space it is. If anyone needs anything, you know where we all are 

Phil0110

I suppose you should remember about Nick Vujicic. People will love you for your soul.

L_Volunteer

Very true @Phil0110. How you treat other people and make them feel means a lot more than most things