Dating with a disability

believe74

It's very hard to date someone when you have a disability , and not be judged by those around you. I hate it when I see people stare at you when they pass by. I would like to date someone who understands my disability, and still cares about me.

Sandy_123

Hi @believe74 and welcome to the community  a link  below  you might find useful

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/31721/check-out-our-new-dating-and-sex-tips

Alex_Alumni

Hi @believe74 it can be hard to date with a disability, especially something like online dating.

I found there was not much room to really get to know a person, their interests, and their hobbies, without judging their appearance first. We all do it, and we all have different levels of open mindedness.

We all think we know what we want, before we've seen it! I did get some negative reactions to my disability, but I also got some positive, or at least non judgmental reactions too. 

I think what helped the most was focusing on common interests, and letting that be the main conversation to start with. 

Do you have any hobbies you could get involved with locally or online? Perhaps there might be social groups local to you, or online, that you could join in with. Lots of people bond over shared interests, and it could be a great way of meeting new people, and maybe lead to something more?

Leo_Aces

Hi @believe74 😊
Yes that true , having a disability can add an extra dynamic to dating. As @Alex_Scope says, online may be tricky as people may be likely to pay more attention to pictures on profiles. However, I think online dating can also be very positive, people are able to communicate on a more even playing field via message and sometimes there is the real opportunity to begin to get to know somebody. You can also choose when, how and if you want to tell the other person about your disability . In real life, we don’t always have that choice.

Regarding, people staring. I know this can be really tough sometimes, especially when it feels like it happens often. The truth is, many of us, disabled or not, think that people are looking at us. Perhaps they are some of the time but most of the time, the majority of people are actually going around thinking about themselves! Just like you are feeling self conscious about being looked at, so are they! When out and about, people are in their own heads most of the time. 

As a child, I hated going out, I thought lots of people were looking at me, judging me, trying to figure out why I move like I do. I just wanted to hide really! As I got older I realised that if I made eye contact, smiled and showed my confidence, people reacted to me differently.
Try it, next time somebody stares at you, stand/sit up tall, make eye contact and smile. You might be surprised with the reaction you receive back 😊 

Jo_2022

Hello @believe74! Thank you for this post  . You may like to have a look at these resources on the Scope website:

https://www.scope.org.uk/advice-and-support/friends-and-social-life/friends-and-social-life/

https://www.scope.org.uk/advice-and-support/sex-and-relationships/sex-and-relationships/

https://www.scope.org.uk/about-us/social-model-of-disability/

All the very best! 

JustPete

I could not agree more @Leo_Aces I wish I could go back to my 10yr old self and tell myself "they are looking/staring because they are interested/intrigued".  If I understood that when I was young I am sure I would have had a gang of friends.

People are intrigued.  It's a natural instinct

Leo_Aces

@JustPete yes, I think growing up and our teen years can be so tough anyway without the extra complexity of disabilities. Teens often feel so self conscious about themselves and if your disability means that others may look in curiosity, you have to be extremely strong minded to not let it affect you .  

JustPete

Absolutely @Leo_Aces I think growing up in the 2020s is likely a bit easier, but still I do think we need 'experts' to guide disabled youngsters & families through the 'teenage-turbulence'.  It really is a tricky time for everyone, not just the disabled teen.

I often wonder which was the harder to deal with when growing up: being disabled or being gay in a family that could not (and still don't) accept my being gay.......

Leo_Aces

I feel that for some of society, Intersectionality is not understood. People can find it difficult to understand that those who have disabilities may also be LGBTQI+. The reaction I have sometimes received is: “You have Cerebral Palsy, isn't that enough?!". I suppose it goes back to the ideology that some seem to struggle with, which is: People with disabilities are sexual beings too 

JustPete

So true @Leo_Aces The lack of understanding that we could belong to 2 & more groups at the same time is both outdated and a scary reality.

Sallyann56

I'm been single for a long time and now disabled, with some ailments that would be difficult to date with.
I can't walk far, so that means no walks in the park.
I use a CPAP machine. Not a pretty sight.
I get exhausted easily.
And I frequently end up stuck on the loo.
I tried a disable dating sight but it seemed a lot of people were just after 
Quick fun, nothing serious.
So I've given up, unless I find someone with the same problems I have, so they understand what it's like.

Even my grown up kids must feel frustrated that I don't go anywhere or understand I'm in pain and just can't!

Leo_Aces

Hello @Sallyann56, I'm sorry to hear that you have given up on dating. I think a lot of people who use certain sites are just after something quick with no really attachment, you're definitely right about that. 

I wonder if you've found some dating sites better than others? For example EHarmony is aimed me towards people seeking a proper connection, instead of say Tinder which is more hook up centred 

Sallyann56

Leo_Aces said:

Hello @Sallyann56, I'm sorry to hear that you have given up on dating. I think a lot of people who use certain sites are just after something quick with no really attachment, you're definitely right about that. 

I wonder if you've found some dating sites better than others? For example EHarmony is aimed me towards people seeking a proper connection, instead of say Tinder which is more hook up centred 

I've given up.  Much  rather cuddle my cat and watch a film on my own 

JustPete

The unconditional love of a pet is irreplaceable.

As a gay man I never thought I could love a female.  Then I rehomed a 1yr old female German Shephard 4 weeks ago.  She looks deep into my eyes saying 'I love You' like no other female has done or could ever do!  My heart swells.  I guess I'm in love with a girl called Leia!

Dating sites are so tricky to navigate, people hide behind the persona they either want to be or think they are.

It will sound cliche, but I do believe love and the right person will find their way to you.  They will see beyond your 'perfect imperfections'.  

Leo_Aces

I wouldn't be without my boy (mini Dachund). Pets are so special. The unconditional love they can give us is unlike anything we can experience with another human. 

I agree, if you are open to love, somebody will come along 🥰

Bernadettepoos

Even if someone has a disability, they are still human, and they still have the qualities that make them as amazing as they are. Everyone's unique, after all, and just because you have a disability doesn't mean that you shouldn't be loved.

I can date someone with disability

bobford1234

I find my interest in vintage and retro things a barrier combined with my cerebral palsy a barrier even though those things are becoming increasingly popular. I have poetry, singing, music, food from all countries travel etc too

superstar79

I spent my career caring for others, many of those years working with people who have disabilities. I actually believed that I understand what they were going through because I spent every day with them! 

How wrong I was! Now I am the one that needs caring for and it’s proven that I didn’t have a clue!
 I find myself isolated to some extent, since the death of my partner over two years ago. I rarely go out!
 I see my child’s family a couple of times a week and my grown up child now cares for me along with his aunt. 

I live in a town where everyone knows everyone! My attacker is often seen when I do go out, or his family!
The town is full of to many ghosts and people that you really don’t want to know!
Yet I stay because I have no family. I did not know them as a child. 

My own family  is here and his family who are a big part of my life.
Yet I am invisible as a person to the outside world, they see a disability instead! That’s not paranoia simply a proven fact, when I am sitting down I have a hidden disability. 

When I get up I am looked at differently and treated differently! 

There’s not much in the way of support groups where I live and I have been unable to drive since my TBI and my license was taken back by the DVLA. 

Online support is great but I miss having a life in the community and having someone to share my life with! 

Alex_Alumni

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this @superstar79 it can be really hard adjusting to changes or deterioration in our health and conditions.

Sometimes people describe it as grieving old parts of themselves, or their 'loss of function', and it's completely valid to feel that way. 

Feeling sad is a natural reaction to changes or loss. If you find these feelings are getting worse or become overwhelming, there are places you can reach out to for support, like Samaritans for example.

It's clear your family are a big support for you and that's positive to hear It can be difficult to move past feelings of being judged purely by our disability, as strangers tend to do that a lot. As humans we do make a lot of assumptions about each other.

Do you have any hobbies or social groups that you could get involved with locally? I know you've said there's not much around, but is there anything you really love doing like reading, exercising, cooking, knitting? These are just examples, so you'll have to tell me what you like, and it might be worth looking into