Holidays over, back to school refusal.

Samlou

I am feeling so bad. My 12yr old autistic Son has been out of school for 4 week. The school are trying but every solution they offer he dismisses. I don't know what to do. We have school refusal meltdowns, he stays awake all night, his personal hygiene is none existing and he is constantly wanting my attention, saying he is bored but everything I suggest is not good enough. I am so worried about him. I tell him he needs to be in a routine, he needs to go out, he must be lonely not interacting with anyone. But he said he is fine at home and I don't understand him. Do I treat him like a non autistic child or do I let him rule the house and make his own decisions. I suffer from PTSD, anxiety and depression which makes things so much harder. 

SueHeath

Hello @Samlou You sound just like my Daughter in Law.
My eldest grand son is exactly the same and he is 13yrs. 
It will be a battle but the worst thing you can do is let him have his own way all of the time.
What we found worked with our grandson was rewards, doesn't have to be expensive, things like if he goes and stays at school all week he can have a friend over for a few hours, something like that.

bg844

I do agree with the points you’re making on feeling bad about the school issues, it’s hard when you are consistently going back and forth making arrangements with them especially when you want him to achieve well. However, if your son feels comfortable at home then why change that. Only he can change his ways and imagine if you was being forced to do something. Of course you can’t let him ‘rule your house’ but what could happen is you both making a routine together. It may take time but as Sue said, you should definitely find a way which works for both of you. 

Nicetomeetyou22

@samlou hello I know how you feel I have 6 children 4 with diff health needs 3 of my boys have autism and 1 of my daughters is on send register she has suspected autism I know how you feel about meltdowns my children have them everyday it makes me so sad 😞 but then again I have meltdowns aswell stay strong 💪 💙 take each day as it comes I promise you things will get better I have autism 2 some days are harder than others takecare.

L_Volunteer

Hello @Samlou

Thanks for your post. It sounds like you are going through a difficult time at the moment and you have done really well to reach out for support. It shows a lot of strength.

Every child experiencing school refusal needs a different approach, depending on the driver for the school refusal. This makes it more challenging and I am wondering, have you and/or the school managed to work out what might be driving your son's school refusal? We are here for you if you would like to share more with us. In the meantime, you might, hopefully, find this resource from the National Autistic Society useful.

You have also mentioned that you suffer from PTSD, anxiety and depression which makes things so much harder. This is understandably difficult. I am just wondering, do you feel you have the support you need in place at the moment for your mental health or would you like to access some more support? We can listen to you and direct you to more support if appropriate and preferable.

Sending you hugs and a listening ear 

Ross_Alumni

Samlou said:

I am feeling so bad. My 12yr old autistic Son has been out of school for 4 week. The school are trying but every solution they offer he dismisses. I don't know what to do. We have school refusal meltdowns, he stays awake all night, his personal hygiene is none existing and he is constantly wanting my attention, saying he is bored but everything I suggest is not good enough. I am so worried about him. I tell him he needs to be in a routine, he needs to go out, he must be lonely not interacting with anyone. But he said he is fine at home and I don't understand him. Do I treat him like a non autistic child or do I let him rule the house and make his own decisions. I suffer from PTSD, anxiety and depression which makes things so much harder. 

Hello and thanks for making this post, I really appreciate you speaking so honestly about how you feel and what you have been through.

Regarding your mental health, do you receive any support to manage your PTSD, anxiety and depression? It seems as though everything that is going on has caused you to feel quite low, so I would recommend speaking with your GP if you feel as though things are becoming hard to manage.

You can also contact Samaritans on 116 123 or access many of the useful resources on the Mind website. You do not have to be in a crisis to call Samaritans, they can be there any time.

Scope have some services that can be there to support families through what can be very challenging times for both parents and children, so I would recommend having a look through our family services page. Navigate and Parents Connect specifically may be of interest to you.

I hope the above replies from other users have been helpful, does your son have any kind of support in place at home? For example, have your local socials services ever been involved to see if any support can be provided to you as a family? 

I also thought I would provide a link to the NAS website, they have a helpline that you may find useful to access.

Tori_Scope

Hi @Samlou I just wanted to check in with how you've been doing. How have things been since you last posted on the community? Have you had a chance to take a look at Ross' comment?