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Brother In law

jan5987

My husband, his brother is in the hospital and the doctor says could be two days to live he had a massive heart attack.
i am disabled and I am waiting for results of my second MRI.
Since last April over a year ago no one knows why I can’t walk, bend, do anything without severe back pain, my husband had to give up his job to be my full time carer, we live over 400 miles away from his family and grown up kids.
the funeral will be down there, I can’t go and we have no friends to stay and help me as I can’t make food or a drink without help.
there is no OT involved in my care either, we don’t know how I will manage as he will be there for two days.
Advice needed as we are both very stressed
thank you and yes I told doc he didn’t know what he could do apart from ask social services which I did and they can only come in for 20 minutes.

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Alex_Alumni

Hello @jan5987 I am sorry to hear about your brother-in-law, it must be a very upsetting and stressful time for you and your husband.

Have you looked into having a short stay at a care home (also called respite care) as an option locally?

Respite care can be planned short stays, for example if the carer has booked a holiday, or happen at short notice due to an emergency.

A relative of mine has used respite care before when family she was living with went on holiday, so it could be something that might work at short notice, particularly in an emergency, provided there's space available.

Let us know if we can help further, and I hope your brother-in-law is able to recover in hospital.

jan5987

Hi Alex
thank you
its heartbreaking for my husband and I am trying to support him but he is supporting me.
i really don’t want to go somewhere else as it’s stressful enough, and I am in pain just moving around here.
I am only 62
i did see there was a sitting service but not sure what that entails.
i don’t know what to do.

Thank you.

jan5987

Teddybear12 said:

Hi @jan5987 I am so sorry for your situation. Is your husband close to his family, could he explain the situation to them regarding your need ? Your brother- in- law will be having the best care. Sometimes when family live a long way away it is not always possible to be there for them when other responsibilities have to take priority. How would your husband get there? I am sure you are both sat there with it all swirling around in your heads, fingers crossed you can come to a decision that suits you both. Take care.

jan5987

Thank you.
he already told me he is going as it’s his brother and most of his brothers and sisters have already been there with him on and off for days and no they are not that type to understand as don’t understand about fibromyalgia never mind whatever else I have.
It’s hard to explain he has depression and social anxiety so really only person that he can talk to me is me, I tell him to talk to them but they say snap out of it and don’t understand.
i feel useless and wish I wasn’t even here sometimes and they wasn’t happy and his kids either 14 years ago when we married when they found out how far away I lived.
he hardly sees them anyway and they been up a few times a few of them but not last couple of years,they are not that supportive of him but he is of them and blood thicker then water.
We have a car, I can’t drive now.
Thank you

jan5987

Teddybear12 said:

Hi @jan5987 Please do not feel useless you are not. You both need and support each other. Is your husband going in the next few days ? You would need to put something in place for yourself quickly. I am sorry but other than Respite Care I cannot think of anything else. The 'sitting service' you mention could take time to set up. Any time you need to talk or ask any questions please know we are here for you.

But I do though, he is looking after me full time and doing everything for me, the house, the garden, washing me getting me dressed making me meals I am terrified something will happen to him so that’s why I feel like I do, he lost one brother to MND and every brother but him has had heart attacks this before is only 65.
my husband has under active thyroid. He doesn’t smoke now but did and we don’t drink alcohol but he eats lots of cheese and is a tea addict, we love each other so much and due to all this we can’t even have a cuddle, he is my world.
i don’t know right now what’s happening,but will know soon.
i know thank you very much for caring.
Thank you
Jan

jan5987

Sorry I mean this brother is 65 and my husband is 63. His father was 90 but he had attacks from 40.

TiredofPain7

I am new so excuse my mistakes. am i correct that you have fibromyalgia? i have had it 40 years or more. I live alone. sometimes my daughter comes and puts meds, EASY food, magazine, other things on a small table pulled up to my bed. I have a walker so I can use it to get to the bathroom. But everything else is right beside me. One time i had to wear the same clothing for three days, but that is NOT a disaster. It just had to be that way. I have SOME understanding of your fears. Try hard to figure out some help for you even if you are alone so your husband can travel. A radio nearby helps.

janer1967

Hi

I am with Teddy on this I think the only solution would be a temp stay in a care home I know it isn't ideal not being in your home but at least you will get 24 hour care

Or maybe contact adult social services and ask for list of carers or pa see if you can employ a full time carer for the time your partner is away

jan5987

TiredofPain7 said:

I am new so excuse my mistakes. am i correct that you have fibromyalgia? i have had it 40 years or more. I live alone. sometimes my daughter comes and puts meds, EASY food, magazine, other things on a small table pulled up to my bed. I have a walker so I can use it to get to the bathroom. But everything else is right beside me. One time i had to wear the same clothing for three days, but that is NOT a disaster. It just had to be that way. I have SOME understanding of your fears. Try hard to figure out some help for you even if you are alone so your husband can travel. A radio nearby helps.

hi I am sorry you have fibromyalgia and I have that but this is not that I knew the difference and the physio told me after a year, I was managing ok with fibromyalgia I have had that since 2009.
I am so sorry for your situation.
bless you thank you for replying
sending you love and hugs. xx

jan5987

jan5987 said:

TiredofPain7 said:

I am new so excuse my mistakes. am i correct that you have fibromyalgia? i have had it 40 years or more. I live alone. sometimes my daughter comes and puts meds, EASY food, magazine, other things on a small table pulled up to my bed. I have a walker so I can use it to get to the bathroom. But everything else is right beside me. One time i had to wear the same clothing for three days, but that is NOT a disaster. It just had to be that way. I have SOME understanding of your fears. Try hard to figure out some help for you even if you are alone so your husband can travel. A radio nearby helps.

hi I am sorry you have fibromyalgia and I have that but this is not that I knew the difference and the physio told me after a year, I was managing ok with fibromyalgia I have had that since 2009.
I am so sorry for your situation.
bless you thank you for replying
sending you love and hugs. xx

hi
i am not doing that I have made my mind up.i will contact adult services and see what they say.
i thought carers only come in for 20 minutes a day?
Do you know how much it costs please?
as I only get PIP.
Thank you.

janer1967 said:

Hi

I am with Teddy on this I think the only solution would be a temp stay in a care home I know it isn't ideal not being in your home but at least you will get 24 hour care

Or maybe contact adult social services and ask for list of carers or pa see if you can employ a full time carer for the time your partner is away

hi
i am not doing that I have made my mind up.i will contact adult services and see what they say.
i thought carers only come in for 20 minutes a day?
Do you know how much it costs please?
as I only get PIP.
Thank you.

jan5987 said:

TiredofPain7 said:

I am new so excuse my mistakes. am i correct that you have fibromyalgia? i have had it 40 years or more. I live alone. sometimes my daughter comes and puts meds, EASY food, magazine, other things on a small table pulled up to my bed. I have a walker so I can use it to get to the bathroom. But everything else is right beside me. One time i had to wear the same clothing for three days, but that is NOT a disaster. It just had to be that way. I have SOME understanding of your fears. Try hard to figure out some help for you even if you are alone so your husband can travel. A radio nearby helps.

hi I am sorry you have fibromyalgia and I have that but this is not that I knew the difference and the physio told me after a year, I was managing ok with fibromyalgia I have had that since 2009.
I am so sorry for your situation.
bless you thank you for replying
sending you love and hugs. xx

janer1967

Hi again

Some people have carers 24 hours a day as for cost I have no idea what the rate of pay would be but would be at least min wage which is £9.50 per hour . If you don't need overnight care this would reduce the cost

There maybe some funding available I'm not sure but I would think social services would be best option to contact

Ross_Alumni

Hello @jan5987

Thanks for replying on this thread and providing further detail about your situation, I hope that the replies from other members have been helpful. Both respite care and contacting your local authority's adult services team sound like good options, and judging from what you have written above it appears as though you will be doing the latter.

This NHS page enables you to find your local adult social care team, and will take you to the correct page with contact details and other information.

In terms of the below:

I feel useless and wish I wasn’t even here sometimes

I'm sorry to read that you feel this way, and wanted to assure you that you have full support here and nobody thinks negatively of you. It can be hard coming to terms with feeling as though you rely on somebody else for everything, but part of a loving relationship is being able to support your other half when they need it, just as you do for your husband and his mental health. It seems as though you are both there for each other, and that's great.

Do you feel as though you would benefit from any mental health support? If so, I would encourage you to have a chat with your GP to see if they can support you at all.

jan5987

Ross_Scope said:

Hello @jan5987

Thanks for replying on this thread and providing further detail about your situation, I hope that the replies from other members have been helpful. Both respite care and contacting your local authority's adult services team sound like good options, and judging from what you have written above it appears as though you will be doing the latter.

This NHS page enables you to find your local adult social care team, and will take you to the correct page with contact details and other information.

In terms of the below:

I feel useless and wish I wasn’t even here sometimes

I'm sorry to read that you feel this way, and wanted to assure you that you have full support here and nobody thinks negatively of you. It can be hard coming to terms with feeling as though you rely on somebody else for everything, but part of a loving relationship is being able to support your other half when they need it, just as you do for your husband and his mental health. It seems as though you are both there for each other, and that's great.

Do you feel as though you would benefit from any mental health support? If so, I would encourage you to have a chat with your GP to see if they can support you at all.

Ross_Scope said:

Hello @jan5987

Thanks for replying on this thread and providing further detail about your situation, I hope that the replies from other members have been helpful. Both respite care and contacting your local authority's adult services team sound like good options, and judging from what you have written above it appears as though you will be doing the latter.

This NHS page enables you to find your local adult social care team, and will take you to the correct page with contact details and other information.

In terms of the below:

I feel useless and wish I wasn’t even here sometimes

I'm sorry to read that you feel this way, and wanted to assure you that you have full support here and nobody thinks negatively of you. It can be hard coming to terms with feeling as though you rely on somebody else for everything, but part of a loving relationship is being able to support your other half when they need it, just as you do for your husband and his mental health. It seems as though you are both there for each other, and that's great.

Do you feel as though you would benefit from any mental health support? If so, I would encourage you to have a chat with your GP to see if they can support you at all.

Thank you for your reply,
My brother in law died this morning, I am trying to support my husband, it’s very difficult as yes I know to support each other but right now neither of us are in a fit state to help each other, my doctor is useless I am sorry to say the whole practice has no understanding or empathy we are trying to leave the practice but it’s all a hub in our area as all are connected so basically we are stuck with them.
i rang the crisis team this morning they said they will send a letter to doc about help and support but I am not living in hope and what reply I got,I rang PALS up to make a complaint about how o have been treated but they said I have to tell the doc so will do that.
i rang talking Therpies up as well and someone said they will ring back.
i was supposed to have an orthopaedic about online at 12.50 and I waited and waited no one rang, I rang at 2pm I waited 40 minutes to be told we made a mistake you should of been seen the orthopaedic doc cancelled the

jan5987

Appointment but no one rang to tell me so I waited, it’s things like this don’t help.
i am waiting again.
hopefully talking therapies will ring. I feel useless a massive burden to everyone and very depressed, you can tell me I am not but I know inside I am and that isn’t changing.
no one understands, my husband’s family and kids right from him moving up here never wanted him too, I think my husband too regrets moving up but doesn’t say.
his family and grown up kids have always made remarks about it and still do but my husband takes no notice says it’s not true but it is.
if I wasn’t like I was we would be going there but I haven’t seen them the family since 2010 and that wasn’t all the family, his kids do come up but they would rather he visted them, but because I am a chain around his neck he can’t.
my daughter doesn’t understand and lives 20 minutes by car but I don’t really explain she thinks I am fine as I put on a act.
Her husband and his family don’t understand either because they are always helping out with the kids they have two one age 6 and one age 4 and we struggle to help but we do have them over but not overnight and don’t live next door like they do and always take the kids to school and every day help them.
sorry I just needed to explain.
i feel I am like a fog I would be better to be put down because poorly dogs can’t do much and that’s an explanation of how I feel.
mu daughter did say once that she hoped I would die before my husband because only her to help me and it would be difficult as he has a big family, I don’t think that was meant in a bad way but it would be easier for her to cope I suppose as she has no brothers and sisters or cousins and aunts and uncles but she loves me I know that and I love her so very much.
sorry for the long post.

Alex_Alumni

Hello there @jan5987 I'm so sorry to hear how you've been feeling lately.

I can understand why things are getting on top of you at the moment as you're not getting the support you need at a stressful time, particularly from close family. I would hope your daughter didn't mean what she said in a bad way, but it might be worth talking with her about how it was quite a hurtful thing for you to hear.

We'd like to support you as much as we are able to, so I'll be sending an email from community@scope.org.uk a little later today with more information on that.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but your concerns and feelings do matter, and you are worthy of support and love. Keep us up to date when you hear from talking therapies, we're all here for you.

jan5987

Alex_Scope said:

Hello there @jan5987 I'm so sorry to hear how you've been feeling lately.

I can understand why things are getting on top of you at the moment as you're not getting the support you need at a stressful time, particularly from close family. I would hope your daughter didn't mean what she said in a bad way, but it might be worth talking with her about how it was quite a hurtful thing for you to hear.

We'd like to support you as much as we are able to, so I'll be sending an email from community@scope.org.uk a little later today with more information on that.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but your concerns and feelings do matter, and you are worthy of support and love. Keep us up to date when you hear from talking therapies, we're all here for you.

Thank you Alex
that means a lot to me I really appreciate it.
The thing is my husband is still making me meal on the day his brother died and can you understand it makes me feel so useless because what am I doing, I wiped up some plates,
If I wasn’t like this I could make him a drink, make him some food do tiding up etc but instead I am on the sofa.
sorry yes I don’t feel worthy with no support I can give. My daughter said it last year I just left it I don’t want to cause hassle I know I should of said but I didn’t.
just messaging and getting your replies and from teddy as well.
i really appreciate everything your doing.
i will do as they open till 8pm I hope hear back.
my husband his sister ringing at 5pm.
will let you know what is going on thank you again.
jan

jan5987

Teddybear12 said:

Hi @jan5987 I am so sorry for your loss. The first few days you will still be in shock and it will take you some time to adjust. You can post as much as you need to it does not matter how long. If it helps to talk to us go right ahead. You help you husband with his mental health and he helps you. No one is a burden.
In my area we have a service called Healthy Minds where you can self refer on line and arrange Bereavement Counselling. I do not know if you have anything in your area. Do you have any support for your Depression, your GP should help you with this.

If you need someone to talk to you can phone the Samaritans. They do not judge of tell you what to do. You do not need to be suicidal to get in touch with them.
116 123 anytime day or night free from any phone. https://www.samaritans.org
or email jo@samaritans.org.

We are here to help and support you where we can.
Take care.

Thank you very much
i know it does when my sister died in august 2019 it took a long time to come to terms.
it does help to talk to you and Alex.
when my sister died I had my husband his help he supported me through but in our area I was looking for Bereavement counselling I couldn’t find anything at but I did find something in a different area but as I was out of the area they couldn’t see me or talk to me so I didn’t have any.
my husband I don’t want to ask because I don’t to say anything wrong and not sure what to say or do as yet.
he is been strong for me but it should be other way round.
we are stuck in the house without answers to anything, my husband said the other week before this that we need a life to be out and about but we are not and me personally can only stay this in area because I can’t travel.
thank you so very for all your I really appreciate it
yes I might ring them up but on here you help so very much you really do.
Thank you again.

Alex_Alumni

I'm so glad to read that you're feeling supported by this community @jan5987 and we have received your email reply, we'll be able to action that from tomorrow for you.

Do reach out to whichever sources of support you need to during this time, and try to relax this evening if you can

jan5987

Alex_Scope said:

I'm so glad to read that you're feeling supported by this community @jan5987 and we have received your email reply, we'll be able to action that from tomorrow for you.

Do reach out to whichever sources of support you need to during this time, and try to relax this evening if you can

I really do feel supported by the community very much so. Thank you very much for that.
i will try and do that.
Thank you.
no call yet but will message you when I do.

jan5987

Alex_Scope said:

I'm so glad to read that you're feeling supported by this community @jan5987 and we have received your email reply, we'll be able to action that from tomorrow for you.

Do reach out to whichever sources of support you need to during this time, and try to relax this evening if you can

hi alex
i am going to email you like you did me.
i have heard from talking therapies but will talk privately.
thank you.