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Did I do the right thing?

MondeoMan

Long story short, I recently had to end a friendship that meant the world to me.

My friend is married and I am single, there is no sexual attraction between us but she was the first ever genuine friend I had, I didn't have a very good childhood due to being bullied because of my disability and it has emotional scarred me, so much so, I have no trust in humanity till she came into my life.

Her husband didn't want us seeing each other anymore because he felt I was seeing her more than a friend but she was willing to keep the friendship and we would keep it descreet, meeting up at lunch time or chat online.

Matters came to a head when I was off on long term sick due to depression, anexity and stressand recently got diagnosed as having ASPD. I was struggling and I couldn't get to speak to her as it was becoming more and more difficult.

I ended up writing a letter saying I wanted to break off the friendship and I'd rather have done this face to face, I then deleted her on social media and phone contacts, I still felt that a face to face was needed so I reached out, I left a message and it wasn't looked at for 5 days, I then phoned and left a voicemail, next thing I see, I get muted and I ended up ending all contact for good and never gave her a chance to respond, I must add, I've known her since 1997, that is what makes it so much harder for me to understand, why didn't she want a face to face as I really felt it was the respect the friendship deserved.

Did i react the correct way or was I too rash?

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Comments

Alex_Alumni

Hello @MondeoMan and thanks for reaching out on the community today, it's not always easy to talk about these things, especially when they are so fresh, so well done.

It's clear that you really value your friendship with the person you mention, and I'm sorry to hear how things developed recently. There's nothing wrong with setting boundaries for yourself, and being clear about those boundaries.

As I don't know you, your friend or her husband, I can't comment very specifically, but it sounds as though it was difficult to manage all of your relationships without some element of conflict or bad feeling, which hasn't been resolved for whatever reason.

Your friend might've been hurt or confused about the feelings you expressed to her in wanting to break off the friendship, and reacted rashly as a result. These things are much harder to communicate when it's not face to face. She might still want to talk, but might also be feeling too hurt to be ready to do that.

Perhaps one crossed wire has led to another, and then another, with no one especially to blame, just a lot of hurt and confused feelings on both sides.

Maybe if you give it a bit of time, and if you feel the friendship is still worth pursuing even with the conflict with her husband, you could reach out again. But consider carefully, why you called things off. Here's a few questions to bear in mind:

Are the reasons you wanted to end the friendship still important?

Will there still be some unresolved conflict with her husband, if so how can this be resolved?

If you would still have to keep things discreet, is the friendship worth the time, effort, and pressure to stay discreet?

Do you have other friends or family you could build strong relationships with?

Remember I'm not a relationships adviser or a trained counsellor, so take what I say only as a suggestion to move forward with. Your friendship is obviously very personal to you, so your decision should also be personal

I hope what I've said has helped to reassure you in some way, but please do ask if there's anything else you feel we can help with.

Let us know how things go, and I hope you can resolve things in a way that works for you.

Alex

Jo_2022

Dear @MondeoMan,

It is fantastic you have reached out and shared your feelings!

I sense this is quite a complicated friendship and you sound upset about ending it with your friend

. If I put myself in your friends shoes then I think I would feel hurt if a close friend decided to break up a long lasting friendship out of the blue.

I am afraid online chatting might lead to misunderstandings, and sometimes taking the time to meet face to face is the respect a friend deserves. I guess you may change your mind and want to continue with your friend once you feel in a better space mentally and emotionally. Perhaps you did overreact and maybe you could have waited, and given your friend some more time.

I am not an expert or aware of the full situation. Please accept my apology in advance if my comments have offended you in any way. I sincerely hope you are surrounded by genuine friends and never feel lonely. Sending you a virtual hug

MondeoMan

Alex_Scope said:

Are the reasons you wanted to end the friendship still important?
Will there still be some unresolved conflict with her husband, if so how can this be resolved?
If you would still have to keep things discreet, is the friendship worth the time, effort, and pressure to stay discreet?
Do you have other friends or family you could build strong relationships with?

Thank you for your reply. Here are the answers to your questions.

1) I didn't want to end it but I felt I had to, I was under stress and I knew she was under stress about maintaining it, Whilst she said she was ok with coping with the flack and pressures, I didn't feel comfortable, a friendship should never feel pressured but to be enjoyed.

2) Never got the chance to even have this discussion, I know it would still be an issue hence why she was keeping it quiet.

3) No, a friendship should be open and enjoyed, I really miss her but it can't be spontaneous, it had to be carefully planned and sometimes cancelled at the last minute due to unforeseen circumstances, like an argument with her children or illness.

4) No, she was my 1st real ever friend, I don't trust people as stated in my OP, I do have strong ties with my Mother and Grandmother, who is 94 by the way, my friends are about 35 to 500 miles away so I can't phone up and say "Fancy going out for a pint".

MondeoMan

Jo_2022 said:

Dear @MondeoMan,
Please accept my apology in advance if my comments have offended you in any way. I sincerely hope you are surrounded by genuine friends and never feel lonely. Sending you a virtual hug

No apologies was needed, I thank you for your time and responding very kindly, I have taken note of what you have said but I fear I may have destroyed the friendship for good.

She hasn't once got in touch since that fateful phone call 2 weeks ago, maybe it's still too raw or she just didn't really care but pretended to do so.

Either way, whats done is done, as much as I would have loved to have said a proper farewell and thanks, face to face and walk away on good terms and still leave the door open when her situation improves.

Guess she doesn't feel that way or she would have said goodbye as well, as it is, I've said goodbye and heard nothing since, it kind of feels like a death, regretful a goodbye was never done. I can't force the situation.

Jo_2022

Dear @MondeoMan,

Ah I am deeply sorry you felt you needed to end it with your friend, even though you did not want to do it.

My motto is never say never, one day your friend might come back to you.

Please do not give up hope!

Sometimes life gets in the way and friends fall out, a true friend will not let petty issues be an excuse to hold negative feelings.

You sound like a very caring person!

Sending good vibes your way ❤️ xx

Phil0110

I so sympathized with your situation, you did everything right and you deserve better.

harrybear1

Hi this is my first time posting in here and I know this post is quite old but I just wanted to give you my experience and hope it helps give you a bit of closure on this because as @Alex_Scope says it sounds like you value this friendship very much.

I used to go to a lot of gigs with my husband and his friends because we all liked the same music and my friends were really colleagues not proper friends I would go out with,my real friend lives a hundred miles away. But my husband died and all these people I thought were my friends kind of cut contact. I think for some people their partner having a friendship with an unattached person of the opposite sex/gender can be uncomfortable. Not just because they worry their partner might cheat but because they want their time to be with them. So maintaining the friendship puts peace in that relationship at risk and it becomes easier to just not. Especially if it involves messages and planning, I guess partners become suspicious or worried that the person is becoming dependent on them. But that is their insecurities and I wonder if she thought a face to face would perhaps feed suspicions that her husband has and found it easier to just do what she did?

It sounds like you can be a good friend and that’s a very special thing. You’ll find someone that values you as much as you value them. That’s what you deserve. Never settle for someone who doesn’t treat you that way. And for what it’s worth I think you did a very noble thing, you stepped back to avoid causing her problems even though it caused you considerable pain. You put her first. That’s what caring about someone is. You can’t control situations like these or how someone will respond but you can look at yourself in the mirror and be proud of yourself.