I feel like a useless part of my family

azzman182

Hi, i have never done anything like this before and I feel strange writing this out for people to see. I have anxiety disorder (mostly health anxiety and social) panic disorder, ADHD and have struggled with depression on and off. I'm medicated for anxiety, depression and panic attacks but it only stops me having really bad episodes of panic attacks. My problem recently and maybe for a while now, is that as a dad of two little boys and a husband, I feel useless. I work full time in a shop, I pay the bills and rent and keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. My wife is good enough to manage the finances as I'm terrible with banking. We have arguments fairly regular and I hate it. It seems everytime I have a day off I can't enjoy it. My day off will start with the kids being on one and stressing us out before they manage to settle and play nicely for a bit. I will then usually get a what's app.group message from work reminding us of the one thing we didn't get done the night before during a very busssy work night. They will find something no matter what trust me. Then at some point during the day me and my wife will.end up in a argument. I only have my wife to turn to properly for my mental health issues and although she's been great in my times of need, I don't feel like she excuses my stress or my agitated personality at times  that may be caused by my mental health. I can't ever tell her that's what's causing my stress or my anger or my upset because she will tell me I'm looking for something to.blame. sometimes I just try to walk away from the argument because I know she never listens to my side (and its always been me who ends up apologising to spare the awkward silence between us.) . But she presses my buttons by following me out the room arguing her points across to me. Butnif I so.much as swear I get told I'm being a horrible person, I get told I was raised wrong because I swear out of anger. In the end I always find a way to blame myself. And I'm honestly at a stage where I don't know if it is me in the wrong because I have noone else to tell. I have noone to confide in or compare it to. Today was the day I decided to wrote on here because we had an argument because she asked me to tidy up.before tea, but I needed to use the toilet. She then told me how it's convenient how I always need a toilet when asked to do something (which isn't really true I think it happened once). I only got agitated because she started getting very pissy with me about it like I didn't really need the toilet and I was lying to get out of helping. But i not started helping before i said I needed the toilet. Anyway, I decided it was easier for me to just tidy up.Nd then go. But she had an attitude on her and it wound me up so I told her to.stop. we started arguing and in the end i said a few choice words out of upset and anger and I told her how crazy it is that i can't go to the toilet in my own house without being accused of not helping or telling lies to.get out of helping. In the end because I raised my voice and swore she told me how the kids will grow up as messed up as me because of me arguing and swearing a few times basically. But that's exactly why I walk away but despite me telling her not to follow me because it makes me worse, she does it anyway then acts shocked when I loose my temper and shout back. Somehow everything I ever do in life is my fault or I don't do things well enough. I constantly feel sub standard. I feel like the only thing that keeps me going sometimes is my kids who i love more than anything. 

Sorry for the rant. I think I needed to vent to get things off my chest. Even if noone reads this. 

azzman182

Thank you for the reply. I haven't really bothered returning to my GP as I see someone new almost everytime I go and trying to get an appointment there is very difficult. And when u did go they'd just either send me away with more drugs or they'd keep referring me to this counselling place where I went and they asked me one or two questions and I never heard from them again. 

MillieMay

Hi @azzman182
I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling useless, it’s hard having mental health problems.
I am sure you try your best, that is all we can do.
Some areas have groups like mind or helplines, it might help.
will post a link for you after.
The Samaritans are very good listeners as well.
Take care

https://www.mind.org.uk/

https://www.samaritans.org/

Karen7788

Hi @azzman182,
It’s good to get thinks off our chest every now and again.
You are definitely not useless.
Make some notes on how you are feeling and when you next see a GP take the notes with you, sometimes when seeing a doctor we can forget things that we wanted to say.
Best wishes

Tori_Scope

Welcome to the community @azzman182 Thank you for joining us, and for being so open and honest in your first post here.

It sounds as though things are quite tough for you and your family at the moment. I'm sorry to hear that tensions are high, and that this is causing you to feel as though you're a "useless" part of your family.

Firstly, you're not useless at all. It sounds as though you're doing your best to help out and be a good dad and husband, as well as hold down a job to pay the rent and bills, and put food on the table. That's no small task, especially considering the current cost of living crisis.

I'm wondering whether some of the issues you've mentioned may be stemming from the fact that you feel you can't confide in anyone other than your partner. You've taken a fantastic first step by posting here. 

It can unfortunately be quite tricky to access talking therapy on the NHS. That being said, I'd definitely encourage you to speak to your GP about getting another referral, or them chasing up your previous referral. It can be frustrating to speak to a different GP each time. Some people find it helpful to write down a list of everything they want to cover during the appointment so that they can get their points across concisely and clearly. 

If you live in England, you could also look into referring yourself through the IAPT service.

It could also be worth seeing whether there are any non-NHS services you could access. You can see local services in your area by searching on the Hub of Hope. Do you think you'd find something like group counselling helpful?

I can see that MillieMay has kindly pointed you towards Samaritans. I do think it could be worth getting in touch with them. They're not just there for people who are feeling suicidal. In fact, most people who call them aren't feeling suicidal. They'll listen without judgement, and are a safe space for you to get things off of your chest. You can contact them by calling 116 123, or emailing jo@samaritans.org

You may also want to get in touch with Relate. They have plenty of useful information on their website, along with some other services.

Have you spoken to your partner about how you've been feeling?