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Struggling with my own health amd partner constantly complaining

puppetmaster Scope Member Posts: 6 Listener
Hi all, i have IBD as well as fibromyalgia and at the moment im really suffering with inflamed joints, severe stomach pain and fatigue. 
Ive had IBD for over 20 years and had a rough time of things in the last 3 years. I got with my partner who was physically healthy when we met but now has a back problem that requires surgery.
Since i found out i was flaring he has been complaining non stop to me about his pain, which i undesrstand as i deal with pain everyday but he just goes on and on about himself. 
Im exhausted but he carries on and on moaning at me. One minute hes in pain with his stomach, then his hip, then his legs. 
He'll follow me around ( even when im in bed) to tell me how much pain hes in and exactly where it hurts. 
I'm trying to be sympathetic but i am struggling so much myself that i find it hard to listen to him complain so much. He makes everything about him lately, even when ive spoken to my specialist and im letting him know what they are planning on doing to help me, he'll turn the discussion back to him or talk over me. He carries on as if its only him thats suffering. 
How can i talk to him about his moaning? It's really getting me down, we only ever seem to talk about his pain, and it feels as if he is downplaying my chronic illness or competeing with me, which is ridiculous! 

Sorry i just really needed to get this off my chest and throw it out there 


  • Leo_Aces
    Leo_Aces Community Volunteer Adviser, Scope Member Posts: 104 Courageous
    Good morning @puppetmaster, I'm so sorry to hear that you're really suffering at the moment with your IBD and Fibromyalgia and that that things are tough with your partner. 

    It's sounds like you don't feel very heard by him at the moment and whilst you're trying to be sympathic to his feelings and needs. He's not recepicating this as much as you need? I'm wondering if you've tried to open up to him about how you feel and perhaps talk to him about how he could show he's support for what you are also going through? 

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  • SueHeath
    SueHeath Community member Posts: 12,420 Disability Gamechanger
    Morning @puppetmaster i am sorry but your thread made me smile, you don't live with my husband do you ???
    He's exactly the same, i'm going to risk saying it on scope, but here i go "It's a man thing" ha ha.
    I some times think he needs as much attention as a toddler, when they fall over.
    Think in some ways it's called being married.
    Joking a part it can get you down, when some times all you want to do is curl up in your own sick bed.
    I've been married for 44 years now, so all i would say is have an arguement about it or try and distract the conversation by not talking about pain. Other then that stick him in the shed ha ha.
    Scope forum is also good to have a rant at and get things of your chest, good luck !
  • janer1967
    janer1967 Community member Posts: 21,964 Disability Gamechanger
    I tend to agree with sue its a man thing but also I know when your in extreme pain you can blot out everything else and its all you can concentrate on 

    This goes for both of you of course maybe you can both try and focus on other things I know it's hard but it seems like you both are letting it control your life and could help to discuss other topics 

    Has your husband had any medical intervention could he benefit from a referral to pain management clinic 

    I think you need to bite the bullet and broach the subject with him and cone to some agreement that you both avoid mentioning your pain levels and point out it isn't a competition about who is in the most pain but to support each other 
  • Tori_Scope
    Tori_Scope Scope Posts: 12,499 Disability Gamechanger
    Welcome to the community @puppetmaster :) 

    This sounds really tough! I'm sure it's something that many of us have experienced, to differing degrees. 

    I'd agree with the others that it'd be worth bringing this up to him. He might be upset at first, but approaching it sensitively and with an open mind is usually the best way. It might be that he doesn't realise he's doing it, or even that he's struggling to know how he can support you. 

    If it were me, I'd approach it by picking out any positive things that he does do, and say you'd like more of that. And then give some constructive feedback on practical things he could do that'd make you feel more heard. 

    You could also ask him whether perhaps there's anything further you could do to support him with his own health issues. 

    Something I've found helpful in the past is to basically allot time to talking about certain things. So, for example, each person has 10 minutes to rant about their day at work, and then you agree to talk about other things for the rest of the evening. I know that won't work for everyone, so really it's about finding out a solution that helps you both feel validated and supported :) 

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  • puppetmaster
    puppetmaster Scope Member Posts: 6 Listener
    Thank you for all your replies! 
    I think he has an obsessive nature when it comes to anything, he will go over things time and time again so that may be his reason. 
    He has been googling absolutely everything which i recommended he shouldnt do!

    When hes in pain i help all i can, applying ice and heat on his back, making him a cuppa - i think he is the opposite to me- i'd rather be left alone and dont make a fuss ( i'm very used to pain having had IBD for 20 years) 

    Anyway he started up again with his google searches, so i decided to have a talk about it with him. I explained how i'm struggling myself but i wont let pain take over my life and how we need to just talk about otber things than focus on all the horrible things we deal with. 
    He apologised and said he didnt realise and that he understands how im stuggling too. So hopefully he will realise that focusing on pain isnt going to help either of us! 

    Thanks once again for your advice all. Life has been very difficult lately but i choose not to let it get me down. I always say " i'm still upright and sniffing the air!" I try to find the lighter side of life with humour and maybe thats what my partner could try :-) 
  • SueHeath
    SueHeath Community member Posts: 12,420 Disability Gamechanger
    I am soooooo sure you know my Hubby @puppetmaster ha ha the only thing is mine doesn't know how to google ha ha - and i think googling health issues is so wrong anyway, you can convince yourself that you've got the worst illness going.
    So glad you had the chat tho - distraction all the time works for me.
    Hope you have a great day and keep well.
  • puppetmaster
    puppetmaster Scope Member Posts: 6 Listener
    Thanks @sueheath!! 
    I think some men just like to be fussed over haha 
    I do too, if i googled all my symptoms im sure id have everything under the sun!! 
    I'm glad too, it was just bringing us both down, though i have to say he is a born complainer! Haha 
    Thank you, you have a great day too & take care :smile:  
  • Tori_Scope
    Tori_Scope Scope Posts: 12,499 Disability Gamechanger
    It sounds like you had a productive and positive discussion with him @puppetmaster, which is really great to hear :) How have things been today?

    National Campaigns Officer at Scope, she/her

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