sexual advice

martie1118

Hi,
could anyone give me some advice, an adult career offered to help me to relieve myself sexually because I am unable to help myself due to my disability, I am an adult and I thought there was no law against two adults having sex. She was helping me to enjoy my sexual feelings which I had never felt before. Unfortunately, someone reported us to the care agency, and they banned me from seeing her, they sacked her by phone, I do not know whether they have any right to stop me from seeing her. The care agency makes a report to the Police, and it came back two days later saying there was no case to investigate but the agency would not tell me why. I can't see why the agency is making a big deal of this. I have been told by different disability organizations that all people who have a disability should have a legal right to explore their sexual feelings, we are just like anybody if you just look past the disability. All that I am asking is for people who own and run care agencies to open their minds and make allowances for this need as well as all our other needs. I want to be treated like everyone else, unfortunately, I am being made to feel dirty, am I?  
Thank you for reading, 

janer1967

Hi there and welcome to the community 

I would say the care company have policies in place that state workers should not have sexual relationships with any clients that will be to protect both parties 

Adult consent sex is not illegal but is totally unethical for a carer to engage in sex with a client especially a vulnerable person 

You may both have consented but it just isn't right in this situation 

Fair enough if you were not her client 

Richard_Scope

Hi @martie1118

I want to say first that you are not dirty at all. You have rights to sexual expression.

However, in this case, professional boundaries were crossed. This care company has a duty of care to protect its clients from potential abuse. The fact that you consented is not relevant. The carer is not employed to provide sexual services.

Carers are permitted to help facilitate relationships through supporting access to dating sites or dating events. What they cannot do is provide a sexual service.

Unless the police have placed restrictions on the carer the care company nor the police can stop you from seeing this person again.

mossycow

Firstly. And separately from the rest of your post.... Nice one on exploring your normal sexual feelings. You're not dirty and maybe you've made a connection with this person. 


But. They definitely broke the rules of their job however real their feelings are because of the way you met. 


You must feel so bad though. Soemthing I wonder was so wo dwrful had been made bad.... But this is exactly why it's against the rule and they were sacked. 


So. Are you wanting to seek this person out and see if a relationship is possoble? If they're not working as your carer then friendship or sex is perfectly fine as you're equal consenting adults yeah?


But... If be careful. Only you know what the lead up to sex was. Perhaps think on.... Did it feel equal? Do you want to be with someone who breaks these important rules? 

Also.... I'd do some looking into sex toys... Or soemthing... etc that you could use. Obviously I don't know what gender / genitals you have and what your body is like but I do wonder if there's anything that could help you enjoy your own sexuality 

martie1118

First, the police have placed no restrictions and the company has told all my PAs they are not allowed to let me see her at all. Have I got the right to see the report the care agency made about me to the Police, and why did they say to the company there was no case to investigate? Quite honestly if the police did not investigate why do not the first company let sleeping dogs lie. In this day and age why do not people open their minds and see that we have needs too, also care companies should have policies in palace to cater for these needs. Can you tell me why so-called 'normal people can find it anytime but people with disabilities are denied what they want, I thought this charity was promoting equal rights for the people you campaign for, so haven't we got the right to satisfy our needs?       

martie1118

mossycow said:

Firstly. And separately from the rest of your post.... Nice one on exploring your normal sexual feelings. You're not dirty and maybe you've made a connection with this person. 


But. They definitely broke the rules of their job however real their feelings are because of the way you met. 


You must feel so bad though. Soemthing I wonder was so wo dwrful had been made bad.... But this is exactly why it's against the rule and they were sacked. 


So. Are you wanting to seek this person out and see if a relationship is possoble? If they're not working as your carer then friendship or sex is perfectly fine as you're equal consenting adults yeah?


But... If be careful. Only you know what the lead up to sex was. Perhaps think on.... Did it feel equal? Do you want to be with someone who breaks these important rules? 

Also.... I'd do some looking into sex toys... Or soemthing... etc that you could use. Obviously I don't know what gender / genitals you have and what your body is like but I do wonder if there's anything that could help you enjoy your own sexuality 

Thank you for understanding, quite a few people around here don't. Would it be possible to chat via this website?  

janer1967

We do understand 

What we are pointing out is that it isn't appropriate that someone providing care to any person disabled or not is no doubt in breach of contract 

These conditions are there to protect both parties 

I get there was consent but this can on occasions cause issues later on if one decides they don't want to continue 

It's a bit like a doctor engaging in sexual activity with a patient in their surgery 

Presuming this took place in your home where the carer is employed to care for you not your swxual needs . Was the carer being paid at the time by the care company which could be interpretation of getting paid for sexual favours 

If you wanted to engage in this they should have relinquished their care responsibilities 

martie1118

Just wondering are you disabled and if you are how much of a disability do you have? They have asked and they have no proof at all, only hearsay. I have emails from enormous organizations that were unfair without a complete investigation. I now know who they were that reported it, the person did not like her at all. The company has banned me from seeing her, and organizations have said that they have no right to ban me from seeing whoever I want. May I make it clear I am not the property of anybody, only myself, I have been protected most of my life and I want what everyone can enjoy? I am sixty-four and it is time to let the reins go and give us the freedom that we are asking for. I really do not see why people deny people to explore their sexual feelings after all if do not have sex you and I would not be chatting now. Be I go I make something else perfectly clear she was only helping me by satisfying and relaxing which I felt, which lasted a few days and that is no lie, she only masturbated me and wore PPE which I insisted on for her protection,  as you put it interpretation of getting paid for sexual favours isn't that their dirty minds and not my problem, that is making me feel dirty to all because I cannot help myself. I give anything to be so-called normal.  

Steve_in_The_City

It is totally and completely inappropriate, unethical and profoundly unprofessional for any type of care worker to engage in sexual relations with someone who is in their charge. It can lead to all sorts of financial and emotional difficulties and the care worker should have known better and deserves to be well and truly sacked. You have sexual needs and that is fine; it doesn't make you "dirty". But the care worker should have known better, and you should question her motives. Since I was 23 years old I have worked with vulnerable adults and children, behind closed doors and in dimly lit rooms with many emotional and sexual issues being aired. In the case of a child a parent, guardian or other appropriate adult would be present. In 2016 at 60 years old I became physically disabled and had to stop work. In all of those working years I never once touched a client or became sexually or emotionally involved, although there was plenty of opportunity. Your carer has broken all of the boundaries and you should realise this. It is the same as a doctor sexually assaulting a patient. It simply isn't acceptable. 

janer1967

@martie1118 not that it is any of your business but yes I am disabled and its domain knowledge on here I am an amputee and severely vision impaired 

I won't comment any further as you appear annoyed at my opinion 

I wish you luck 

poppy123456

I'm sorry but i agree with everyone else, it is completely inappropriate for your carer to engage with you this way.

My daughter works as a carer. She used to work with disabled adults, if she engaged with her clients in a sexual way she would have been instantly dismissed from her job, if they found out. She now works in a childrens home. 

martie1118

Sorry if I offended you or anyone, I honestly thought that this site would have understanding and compassion, but I am totally wrong. I wish to leave you with one more fact, when people go to see a prostitute, they get paid handsomely for their time, so if their pa offered to help them without a single penny ever changing hands what is the difference?    

poppy123456

I think you are missing the point here. She was your carer and her employer will have had rules that she needed to follow. As she didn't stick to the rules then she was rightly dismissed from her job.

martie1118 said:

when people go to see a prostitute, they get paid handsomely for their time, so if their pa offered to help them without a single penny ever changing hands what is the difference?    

The same would apply here if the PA was reported.

janer1967

Ira not about us not having compassion and understanding around all 

You asked for advice and everybody gave it unfortunately you didn't agree with the advice 

I do empathise with your situation but that doesn't change the fact that it was ethically wrong of your carer to engage in sexual relations with a client 

martie1118

I completely understand your point, I am way over the age of eighteen and have my own mind, the PA who was involved got sacked purely on hearsay and without any investigation whatsoever all because another person didn't like her, I have been told different organizations it was unfair without any investigation first. If the Police did not want to investigate it and they are supposed to uphold the law in this country, then why are people outraged about it after all without it nothing would be living on this planet. Please don't say as people with disabilities are vulnerable people but all vulnerable on this planet, I have always been told at an early age when a so-called normal person says you are a vulnerable person what they are actually saying is they do not know what to do not know how to answer your question. The other word people hide behind is equality because what I am on about is there is no equality on this subject or on many subjects despite what some may say. The government and those people should sit up, listen and act on what we want not only on this subject but on many others too and stop hiding words.     

Sandy_123

Hi @martie1118 she may of breached her employment terms, which is why the company may of sacked her, that doesn't need an Investigation by the police to act on it.  I agree with others that she over stepped her role. 
Now she no longer works for the company, there is no reason why you can't be in contact with her, if you wish to do so.

poppy123456

It’s nothing to do with your age or your disability. 

Her employer drew a line, which she crossed. For this reason she was rightly dismissed. 

I’m sorry you didn’t get the answers you were hoping for but there’s no other advice to give. 

martie1118

I accept your comments. Can any company sack anyone on hearsay? How come the company has banned me from seeing her and not the police, is the agency above the law? The agency also told all of my pas to stop me from seeing her even in a public place so isn't controlling. 

janer1967

The company cannot stop you seeing her she is no longer employed by them 

They may however refuse to provide care for you in the future 

You can see her but it may put your other pa's in a potential difficult situation if they are present when you see her 

Yes they can sack on probability its not criminal law all they need is to have reasonable belief the incident took place  

martie1118

it sounds like and feels like I have NO independents or freedom whatsoever, the so-called normal people should make me severely mentally disabled and be done with it, as they cannot cope with people like me who got their own mind and knows what they want out of life.   

poppy123456

You are completely missing the point here. Your PA over stepped the line and was dismissed from her job and rightly so. I’m out anyway as there’s nothing further to advise, other than what’s already been said.