problrmatic relationship beliefs

Stellar

basically, i internalised a lot of problematic stuff regarding relationships from a young age, namely that:
- getting a relationship is the only way i'll be able to progress socially in society
- getting a relationship is the only way i'll be able to get a reliable carer who can help me out with my disability related things as needed such as dealing with services and DIY around the home, sharing the chore

the first one in particular is **** that i have managed to unlearn. As an autistic person in school noticing the only time people took an interest in me was when they were crushing on me, it's not hard to see why i incorrectly internalised that). but noticing the fact people tended to stick around because they were attracted to me on a deep level before losing interest, usually after i inadvertantly turn them off is something that i've still internalised and something that continues to persist now. it feels like unless people are romantically attracted to me, they won't stick around even if we're genuine friends.

But the second one is much harder. I can't trust services to help me and I'm so sick of all the instability, unpredictability and lack of communication i get whenever i deal with them. especially when they do things without telling me or don't follow up on what they said they would do. I have no one else who can help me cause they are either too bogged down with their own issues or too far away. or if they do are also incredibly flaky and cancel on me last minute for basically anything we agree to do, which also sends my mental health into a spiral.

thing is, i know this is a problematic thing to have internalised and it's not reasonable to expect a partner to want to care for me or help out with these kinds of things. i just want someone to actually stick around me, not abandon me, and actually take their commitments seriously. same applies trying to make friends in person.

i really don't know what to do or how to challenge these beliefs constructively.

Leo_Aces

Hello @Stellar, it seems like you’ve identified quite clearly the main obstacles affecting your mindset around finding a relationship. I think many people can relate to these ways of feeling. Unfortunately in school when we are teenagers, short crushes without much genuine interest and consideration for others is common. 
I really understand your second point. We all can relate to wanting somebody around to share our lives and support us with administrative stuff. In an ideal world it would be great to find one person to fill all these roles but actually in reality, being in a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean that your partner will be the best person for all these different aspects. Sometimes a small group of friends can be better as you’ll be able to enjoy different things with each person, ie DIY jobs.

elahrairah

I understand the second one very much.  One is desperate for someone to look after them and meet a set of needs that maybe a person without your condition wouldn't have.  And of course, this is a problematic relationship belief, because you know that this won't lead to a healthy relationship.  But just knowing that its problematic is good, because many people haven't self-reflected on their relationship desires and are stuck in a cycle of unhealthy relationships.  We all want someone to care about us, and its very easy to think that anyone is better than waiting for someone who is good for us!

There isn't an answer that I know of.  You know yourself that seeking out a carer rather than a partner who meets your emotional needs is unhealthy and dishonest and will not bring you happiness, you can't cure yourself of unhelpful thinking but you can reflect upon your thoughts and recognise them for what they are.  You can make behaviour decisions based on understanding the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationship desires.  Making good decisions will lead to an emotionally mature, considerate relationship sooner or later. 

Sadly the same can't be said for the care system.  No matter how wise you are, we are all stuck in a political nightmare where people who don't care about us get to make existential decisions about the things we need, and they don't prioritise us at all.  There are plenty of disability rights groups, neurodiversity rights groups, who are fighting to try and change this, and the people in them have lots of experience navigating the system.  Joining one of these groups and fighting for change is the best hope you have of ensuring that you will have the care you need in the future.

confusednewt

I am a disabled, autistic person myself and only identified as such in my previous relationship which unfortunately ended recently, but I agree what the others have said. Unfortunately society makes us feel it’s bad to depend on someone for all of this help. I don’t think it’s wrong to depend on someone but I think it needs to be more than one person including medical professionals cos it’s too much for one person to deal with. Also I think that person/people need their own support like access to therapy and friends/family so they can get respite and support to help you, which is something my partner never did so it overwhelmed them. I think the best setup is a good group of stable friends tbh or family and or a cater too and then you don’t have to meet all the relationship markers and worry about someone else romantically because honestly it’s really hard to balance!