Managing Friendships

Dont_Dis_My_Ability

Hiya,

I’m just looking for some advice/support and guidance on how you all manage friendships. 

I’ve been severely unwell since August, they think it is IBD plus BAM. I’m currently waiting to be seen at a specialist hospital, I’m the sickest I’ve ever been. The biggest thing is the lack of appetite and unintentional weight loss, I can’t even look at the scales anymore without crying as it’s about 1kg/ 2 pounds a week. I have a very good GP who’s keeping a close eye, I’ve also had scary incidents of black V&D again GP is on it and I literally cannot eat anything substantial. I’m living off small loaf ham sandwiches, anything more than that causes severe pain and I have to run to the toilet and I have projectile V&D. I can’t even eat 50g of pasta with tomato sauce…

In addition to all of this I’m having to deal with serious legal issues against a hospital, my emotional support animal being diagnosed with terminal cancer and my dads financial issues. He is having to sell our family home as well as the flat I currently rent from them, i tried for a year before I moved in to find a landlord and I was rejected every time. I live in London, no UK based guarantor, have a cat and I live of my benefits (UC & PIP) it’s literally impossible. 

Because I’ve been so poorly my communication with my “best friend” has been sporadic, I gave her the heads up my SO has been signed off (MH) and that I may need her help, she said absolutely anytime and I thought she would be there if needed. 

I got really overwhelmed and low the other week I really needed support, I asked her if we could chat. She said yes and I literally poured out every single detail of everything that was going on. She read it and has ignored me, it’s been over a week… this has caused a massive revaluation. 

All my friendships are completely and utterly one sided, I’m always texting first and I support them through everything. Re reading old conversations showed me they never check in or “make the first move” I just can’t be bothered any more… I just wish I could meet people who gets it’s, lives the same life as me. 

I’m not sure if I should just cut contact or if it’s worse having no friends, either way I just can’t do it anymore it won’t be the same. The hardest thing in all of this is they all know I don’t have a a good relationship with my family, they all don’t understand mental health and live abroad so it’s not hard not to keep in contact. I just sometimes feel like I’m the problem, I just wouldn’t do that to anyone. My SO is struggling he’s always dealing with everything on his own, I don’t want to cause him further stress but I just feel so alone. 

Janners

@Dont_Dis_My_Ability  Hi, so glad you posted, I'm new here, and your post resonated with me.
I'm lucky that my disability is dyspraxia, so apart from a few side effects fatigue, falls, etc I should be able to cope ok, but I have trouble with relationships and I'm socially inept.
Apart from family, I find, like yourself I'm everyone's 'go to' when they need help, but often feel ignored when I reach out, it is disapointing, but don't give up, especially on your one friend who is mostly there for you.
I dont know about you, but I feel really let down when someone you have listened to and helped suddenly isn't there. I find it helps to have 'back up friends' to fill various needs.
It sounds selfish, but is a two way thing.
Not being very sociable I found an online penpals site and now have people who give and take, and listen.
I have one friend with a great sense of humour so we share funny memes, and keep things light and informal.
Another likes animals, so we share anecdotes of our mad pets, I have a dog, but like cats too.
With another we pour out our souls together, it helps.
I know online friendships are not the same, but after a while you get to feel really close.
Apart from that , can only send love, and say don't give up, we have both found this place haven't we.
All the best.



 

Hannah_Alumni

Hello @Dont_Dis_My_Ability

I'm so sorry you have been so unwell, and you are going through such a difficult time. I have IBD so if you have any questions feel free to ask. I hope the appointment with your specialist comes soon! 🤞 Can I ask, have you been referred to the endoscopy department? or is this what you are waiting on the specialist for? I'm so glad you do have a very good relationship with your GP.

Everyone is different with eating, if it is IBD. I couldn't do tomatoes at all, so I ate plain pasta, breadsticks and dip, ham sandwiches too, chicken and potatoes, just very plain and very small meals. 

When I was sick, I learnt who my real friends are. I was the same, texting first, helping them out with their problems and having nothing back. It hurts, it's hard and if you decide to cut contact, you will find you have to almost grieve for that loss. It takes time (a cliche I know) but you will come to find friends who will be some of the best people in your life. As I had my diagnosis of IBD I managed to make great friendships online in that community and as I gained confidence, I made friends in other online communities that were some of my interests. Then I gained even more confidence, and I was fortunate enough to get a better handle on my health. I'm now able to do more than ever in person. I can't promise but I am keeping everything in me crossed you get seen and sorted soon.  

Your SO is your SO. I know you feel like you don't want to cause him further stress, but you are a partnership, and it sounds like you can be each other's support. If you are still unsure, or in addition, I would also recommend SHOUT, it's a free mental health service that you text, it's open 24/7 and its confidential. From what you've said, your SO may benefit from texting them too. 

You won't be alone; we have an amazing community. I hope you join in with us and lean on us. We're here.