A Drift [Content Warning: reference to sexual assault]

Cloudydays

Yesterday was a really bad day for me, I had  an argument with my mother ,arguing is something i hate doing as i find it pointless and annoying . I am 46 a single parent and was diagnosed with dyspraxia and dyslexia at the age of 44. its darkened my  whole life it feels like i am living in  the shadows . since i was diagnosed i have been taking stock of my life thus far . all i can see is the trauma . i have no goals or personal dreams for myself .i spoke to my younger brother and he was blunt brutal honest and fair with me , he said the way he sees it i have never lived my life on my own terms never had a plan , he is right i do put others before me i am the the eldedest child in my family . i have always had to protect and serve everyone else and i don't know if i have any fight left in me . i lost a friend and confidant who meant more to me than words and i feel like inside i am drowning in loss, i cant work out if i am sad because i lost a voice in my life  that made me feel safe or because he alone saw me the true me i feel selfish for wanting  him to still sit and talk with me , i miss him and now i feel adrift with everything too much too handle .

Hannah_Alumni

Hello @Cloudydays

Welcome to the community, I'm so sorry you are going through such a difficult situation. 

We are always here if you need to vent or to talk. I wanted to also comment to ask if you have ever thought of going for counselling? maybe even looking at family counselling? The NHS website has lots of information if you were interested.

How are you feeling today? Have you spoken with your mother after the argument? 

Cloudydays

Thank you for the welcome and your valid suggestions , my family wont go to counselling when i was 24 i was raped and had to go through victim support to get help i went to counselling which helped me but the therapist did suggest i talk to my parents and asked them to come and talk but they refused which resulted in me being told by mother that we as black people don't do therapy , which is not something i believe . i know it would help. over the years i have suffered many traumas . and my family has as well but they all refuse to talk . so when i had my son i promised i would be honest and open with him and communicate as a result my son has always communicated clearly with me . but i can not help my mother and it is a source of pain and sadness in my life. i will be speaking to my Gp as i need help i am a firm believer of seeking help when you need it . but as i said my family are stuck in a cycle that i cant break away from. 
i'm so angry and sad and in pain/emotional and physical as well as my dyslexia and dyspraxia i also have lymphoedema  in my legs and arms , hypertension and the cherry on top i'm going through menopause so talking to her right now i feel like i may explode.

Adrian_Scope

Hello @Cloudydays, it sounds like you have the right attitude to looking for support when you need it.

In your comment above you mentioned being raped at the age of 24. It must have been so difficult seeking support after that and I admire the fact you did. As part of our safeguarding policy, can I just ask if this was ever reported to the police and is there anything you feel we as an organisation would be able to support you with? If you'd rather discuss any of this via email, please just let me know.

L_Volunteer

You are welcome @Cloudydays. It is the very least you deserve.

I am really proud of you for seeking and receiving the support you needed and deserve. You have mentioned over the years you have suffered many traumas.

I am just wondering, would you like to tell us more about that and what it looks like for you? We are here for you and listening to you if you would like to share more with us.

It sounds really positive that you have open and honest communication with your son and I can hear the importance of this for you too.

Would anything, in particular, help the situation with your family to be more manageable for you at the moment? I can hear how difficult this is for you and you are feeling explosive.

Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us if we can do anything to support you. We are all here for you and listening to you 

Cloudydays

Thank you all for listening to me, i have never told my story before but can no longer carry everything inside . let me start by answering a comment by Adrian . my rape was reported to the police it never made it to court  i was told at the time that it was my word against his . i will tell this story in full at some point but for now i hope this answers your question . 
where to start .. i am the eldest of 4 children i have two younger brothers and a sister my mother married young and divorced my father when i was around 5 years old  my brother was 4 , they divorced because my father was abusive a gambler he also had a drink problem . this was my introduction to trauma i remember  how angry he would get i don't remember him hurting me physically but i do have memories of him hurting my mum and brother and trying to stop him . my brother was fragile when he was little my mum would say i needed to look after him and i did . my mum met a man and fell in love again she had my sister and my youngest brother. she said that this would be a better life for us and for a while it was we were happy and i loved that time but during that time i was growing i looked after my brothers and sister as mum had asked of me while her and my step dad worked shifts .  i was very clumsy i would fall or hurt myself so by the time i got to the age of 10 i  would not play with other children i found it hard to join in as i was filled with a fear that i could not explain my parents didn't really notice how i was feeling and my mother was focused on my brother who had difficulties learning but was also very intelligent . by the age of 13 my mum and step dad's relationship had changed i watched it go from loving to ships in the night  i cant really understand how i knew the things i knew at 13 but i had a feeling something was going on and i put things together my dad was cheating on my mum i tried talking to her about it but she wouldn't as an adult i can understand why but as a child all i knew was that my mum was hurt and i was scared and though my step dad isn't a violent man i wanted to protect my siblings too. so as i say i put the pieces together my step dad is not a good liar and i found all the evidence of his affair the name of the person the times the dates and i confronted him . he eventually came clean to my mum they separated for a short time but then got back together and are still together now .  my relationship with my stepdad is complex when he came into my life he was my hero he was very loving and he gave me two wonderful siblings but as soon as my sister was born things changed and as a child i felt it  deeply  i wasn't his and i knew it to make matters worst my bio- father was having more children and would call to speak to me and my brother and would say things to hurt me especially when he had a daughter he would say YOU HAVE A NEW SISTER AND SHE IS BETTER THAN YOU . i would tell my mum but she wouldn't believe me as my brother was not treated like that . so i was on my own with a heart full of pain and a head full of questions which to this day i have no answers for. my brother passed away at the age of 20  i was 21 at the time he died of an enlarged heart and i lost my first friend in life . at his funeral my bio dad said I should of died instead and tried to push me in the grave .

Cloudydays

as i have said  my brother passed at the age of 20  i was 21 had moved out of home and had my own flat for just a year he died two weeks before both of our birthdays and as we are a year and day apart all my birthdays are full of sadness. i moved back home to take care of my family gave up my freedom and took control of the house hold and looked after my siblings who were dealing with varied emotions my mum had shut down and my step dad buried himself in work or golf i had no time to deal with my own emotions i powered through. after a time i finally resumed my life and moved out at first i lived with a friend then i got a flat in area my parents didn't approve of . my mum visited me when she could my brother and sister too but not my step dad  as the time went on the visits became less and my life was filled with work and parties. it was around this time that i met a man i fell in love with i was overjoyed i had shared my pain with him opened up for the first time in my life and trusted him . i had never felt like that before and had only had 1 boyfriend before him . the world was full of light he asked me to marry him on a cold night it was the most romantic moment of my life we were laying in bed watching  it rain outside , i had spotted a family of foxes outside and got out of bed to watch them playing he came up behind me and wrapped me in his arms i felt safe loved, he said that could be us and i asked what he was talking about he pointed to the foxes and said mum, dad and babies  will you marry me  i said yes he had brought a ring and placed it on my finger. i was so happy i called my mum and told her that i would be coming to see her soon . weeks later i found out that he was not only seeing someone else but she had been his fiance for the past 3 years 
my world had imploded again.  he admitted that he had cheated but through my pain i couldn't hear anything . i cut ties with him he stalked me one night when i was out with my friend followed me home waited for my friend to leave then knocked on my door saying he just wanted to talk i let him in and he Raped me.  

Alex_Alumni

Hello there @Cloudydays and thank you for being so open and honest about everything you've been through. It must have been so hard to manage keeping all that trauma inside, so well done for speaking about it here, that takes a lot of courage. I hope we can help to support you here on the community.

Thank you also for answering Adrian's question about whether the rape was reported to the Police, and I'm so sorry this wasn't taken further at the time. Getting support is an important part of surviving and moving forward with your life. I'd like to share some organisations you can reach out to:

• Victim Support: you can find your nearest support team, call the national helpline or start a live chat for free confidential support, 24/7. 
• Rape Crisis: you can chat to someone now, find your nearest centre, or read about counselling support
• NHS IAPT Services: for talking therapies, counselling and other self-guided help
• Cruse: For bereavement support, you can call the Cruse Helpline, or use CruseChat to speak with expert grief counsellors

I'd also encourage you to speak to your GP about mental health support if you feel comfortable, as they may be able to help refer you to counselling services. If you do ever feel unsafe or in danger, then call 999 or visit your local hospital right away.

Let us know if we can offer any additional support, as Adrian mentioned you'd be welcome to discuss anything via email if you prefer. Please know that you are valued and worthy of support, so please reach out if you need to