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School Avoidance

Ina

Hi! My 4yo is refusing to go to school. She is very anxious and becomes extremely upset about school. I don't know what can I do to find out what is happening as school keeps telling me she is ok there and insist to bring her in. Some days it's impossible to do that. Next week I have a meeting with school SENCO. Any advice how I can approach this question and make them understand that forcing is making things worse. How can I find out what bother her if she can't identify those things.
Is it a legal requirement for 4yo to attend school? Is it so dramatic if she has unauthorised absences at this age? As school threatened me about legal steps to be taken.
Any advice!
Thank you!

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Comments

Adrian_Scope

Hello @Ina. I have 3 children and have been through my share of school avoidance.
I found the 'Not fine in school' website a good starting point to build my own understanding of what was going on and to feel less alone with dealing with it.

While children routinely start school age 4, compulsory school age (CSA) is actually 5 and it might be worth reminding her school of this when discussing her absence. Until she's of compulsory school age there are additional options open to you such as part-time schooling, starting later in the year, or, depending on whether your child is summer-born deferring to the next year entirely.

I noticed on another discussion you mentioned your daughter has suspected autism, has their been any progress in having her assessed?

Ina

Thank you for your answer. Yes, she has been assessed but not final decision. They told me that more observation is needed from her school now. I don't know why, because all specialists suggested to think about a autism. So obviously they all see it..

Ina

Thank you for your answer. I may consider it in future but at the moment home education is not an option for us. I'm trying to get help and support to make school education more comfortable for her. From beginning I thought they are well trained and supportive because there is an autism provision in school. But it turned out to much more difficult. We don't have access to the provision because no diagnosis yet and the EHCP still in process.
The school has the attitude "they are professionals and they know better, and this is not the first child who refuses to go to school"
In their opinion I need to make her go without them changing the environment in school.

Liv99

Hi, I was misdiagnosed throughout my whole school life from the age of 5 and at 23 I’ve just been diagnosed with ADHD. Girls tend to go undiagnosed as the signs aren’t picked up in school and I was told by my doctor I had anxiety and depression, girls are much more likely to mask at school and present symptoms at home in there safe space. I would look into adhd in girls as it can crossover with autism.

L_Volunteer

You have been really brave reaching out to us and sharing this with us @Ina. I can hear how you are trying to get help and support to make school education more comfortable for your daughter.

It is really important that you feel heard, especially during such a tough time. I get the impression that you, unfortunately, don’t feel heard by your daughter’s school at the moment.

Accommodations are so important! Regardless of the cause, I believe that behaviours have a root cause or trigger. I can hear how identifying the cause/trigger is more difficult with your daughter’s school not being so forthcoming though.

Have you managed to meet with the school SENCO yet? If so, I am wondering if you would like to tell us a little more about how this has gone. I think, given the right person, they can understand based on how your daughter feels and her avoidance. It might also be worth mentioning both of you keep a diary.

Am I right in thinking your daughter is currently in reception? If you are able to clarify this, we can, hopefully, provide you with further support.

Please don’t hesitate to let us know if there’s anything, in particular, we can do to support you. We are all here for you and listening to you

Ina

L_Volunteer said:

You have been really brave reaching out to us and sharing this with us @Ina. I can hear how you are trying to get help and support to make school education more comfortable for your daughter.

It is really important that you feel heard, especially during such a tough time. I get the impression that you, unfortunately, don’t feel heard by your daughter’s school at the moment.

Accommodations are so important! Regardless of the cause, I believe that behaviours have a root cause or trigger. I can hear how identifying the cause/trigger is more difficult with your daughter’s school not being so forthcoming though.

Have you managed to meet with the school SENCO yet? If so, I am wondering if you would like to tell us a little more about how this has gone. I think, given the right person, they can understand based on how your daughter feels and her avoidance. It might also be worth mentioning both of you keep a diary.

Am I right in thinking your daughter is currently in reception? If you are able to clarify this, we can, hopefully, provide you with further support.

Please don’t hesitate to let us know if there’s anything, in particular, we can do to support you. We are all here for you and listening to you

Thank you so much for your answer. And thank you for understanding.

My daughter is in reception now. The school seems to be a good one. They have also an autism provision there but my daughter doesn't have access to it as no diagnosis yet (still waiting for decision) and no EHCP (again waiting for the decision).

From the moment the problem with attendance began, they really try to do everything to bring her in. They really try to motivate her, but not much is done to find the trigger of her anxiety there. They keep encouraging me to bring her in even if she is in distress.

I had the meeting with school SENCO and I was surprised when they told me that even when the child is in big distress it's better for them to be in school, even if they don't do nothing there, otherwise they get used not to come.

We agreed to bring her in and pick her up a little bit earlier using another entrance (to avoid crowds).
Unfortunately it didn't resolve the problem as we still have a very difficult time in the morning. Despite this they keep encouraging us to bring her in and pick up at normal times.
But I feel that she needs at least a reduced timetable and I'm not sure if I can ask this without an EHCP.

I would like to find out the cause of her refusal and here I need help from school, but they keep reassuring me that she is happy there.. but my daughter tells me the opposite. I don't know how can I ask school to investigate and find out what triggers her anxiety there if they don't see the problem.

onebigvoice

My daughters boy was diagnosed early with ADHD and it was a problem to get him to school. Yes there was times when you could pull your hair out and he would not budge. But because I was already teaching myself, and I know you have done this is to see the school and ask which ever teacher has her to see where the trigger points of the day are. If as you say she is all right once there, then that is the first trigger point, find out what changes? Is it someone she meets at school? Is she greeted at the gate and then the teacher takes her in separately to class, as the first issue is to many people at once?
Keeping them at home sometimes may be necessary since there is a disruption in the class that, when other children see acts towards teachers think that is the norm and then join in. I AM NOT SAYING YOURS DOES THAT, IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM, this is from previous experience.
I was able to see the school and get his syllabus, and teach him at home for over 6 months. BUT, in that time its finding out what triggers there mind to look, listen and learn without realising they are learning.
Painting and asking what their favorite color is and what happens when you mix red and blue? Don't know let's have a go. So it's a start, little steps, not only on a school day but when coming home ask about her day and what she enjoyed and what she didn't. Its an anything goes question time which will build up a picture of what HER DAY IS LIKE. My key was I collect things and was reading about the Titanic, and asked what I was looking at in showing the book and going into a little history I found out he had a photographic memory and could tell you how many rivets were used in building it which then became a fun learn for us both.
Again I am not telling you what to do but its a bonding that will stay, he is now after saying he will never graduate, in Uni doing computer programming and computer coding. I asked him at 8 how does a computer chip work? and became a gamer now number 3 in the world. for call of duty and watching him operate the buttons on some of these music games is a blur, I asked how he does it so fast, he memorized the sequence. To fast for me. FIND THE KEY.

onebigvoice

As another point you can start by taking her to school with reduced hours, say 1 hour and then pick her up again. increasing the length over time, could be that she does not like leaving you as this might help or does not like crowded places? get the teacher to meet and take her in before the others as this could be one of the problems.

Ina

@onebigvoice thank you for your answer.
She does not like crowded places and noise. But the school is big and difficult to avoid crowds and noise.. and she refuses wearing noise cancellation headphones. Actually there can be multiple triggers as she has some social communication and learning difficulties. So she may feel frustration and anxiety during all day at school.

onebigvoice

As another point you can start by taking her to school with reduced hours, say 1 hour and then pick her up again. If she realises that you are coming back later, she will get into a routine and just increase the number of hours slowly over the following months.
This can be done by say turning up an hour and 20 minutes for a day or so, then 2 hours and so on. Don't rush it as I assume she is not wearing a watch? but when you see her make a thing of it. Hello lets go and you can tell me on the way home what you did and what you are doing tomorrow.
She could be just tied to apron strings, so to speak as its a big step for them, and can feel very lonely till she makes friends and then if she mentions someone special, then say are you going to play with James today like yesterday.
It not a quick fix but the dividends are brilliant later, when she comes out of her shell and you spend special time at home with her talking about what she likes you never know she could end up posting on here as to how she became a poet, or an artist, or just your special "little star" My name for my daughter who is now 31 with 2 children and still my little star even in my phone.

L_Volunteer

You are welcome @Ina. It is the very least you deserve, I can hear how difficult things are for you and your daughter at the moment.

It sounds positive that the school seems to be a good one. It sounds like, although your daughter is not fully supported, the school has attempted to show effort.

However, I can hear how it would be even better if your daughter could access the additional provision and understanding (especially of triggers).

You can, indeed, ask for a part-time timetable, without an EHCP. Though, I can’t promise you the outcome, unfortunately.

As your daughter is not yet in year 1 though, you have more flexibility with how many hours your daughter is in reception regardless of her needs.

It would be worth talking about this with your daughter’s teacher, any support staff, and the SENCO. Though, it is even more difficult for you if they are saying something different to your daughter.

I can hear how you want to do the best thing for your daughter and understandably so. Please don’t hesitate to let us know if we can do anything to help.

We are all here for you and listening to you. This is a really difficult situation for you but you don’t have to face it alone if you don’t want to.

Take care for now and we will look forward to, hopefully, hearing from you again soon

L_Volunteer

It sounds really difficult that your daughter experienced something similar with her boy @onebigvoice.

Thank you for sharing your experiences though. I am sure it will be invaluable for anyone experiencing anything similar.

Curiosity is so important

tina0277

Hi
my child was failed in primary they failed her sen delay in assessing her needs even when the red flags my concerns was presented to them.This caused school anxiety my child is now in year 7 refuses to go to school she is so upset and anxious going,Lacey has an Ehcp now but its not been used in school yet,applied for a better school but didn't get a place.Lacey has missed so much education the local authority should be sorting alternative education so i believe.They want me to force her back to school for an hour a day for now,they want to help but this is still missing education and my child is in a state about going even for an hour.
what can i do its a battle i just want my child happy and getting the education she deserves.

L_Volunteer

Hi @tina0277. You have done really well to reach out to us. I appreciate how much courage it can take to reach out, especially when things are tough and you are fairly new.

It sounds really difficult that your child was failed in primary by delaying assessing her needs even when the red flags and your concerns were presented to them.

I can hear how you feel this caused school anxiety. This looks like your child now being in year 7 refusing to go to school and feeling so upset and anxious.

It is really positive to hear she has an EHCP now though. However, it is legally binding to follow an EHCP in school.

Scope has some more information about what to do when EHCPs are not being followed. Generally, though, this is about:

Raising it with your child's SENDCO/the headteacher in the first instance
Raising it with your local authority if still not followed
Taking it to a tribunal if still not followed

I hope this at least semi-helps. Is there a particular reason you think the school might be a better fit for your child? If so, and if it's around meeting needs, it might be worth raising worth your local authority.

Though, it sounds like you are currently in contact with your local authority if they should be sorting alternative education, as you believe.

Open communication with the school and the local authority is key at this point! Do you feel you might be able to tell them that even an hour looks really difficult for your child at the moment?

Please don't hesitate to let us know if there's anything else we can do to support you. We are all here for you and listening to you