trying to be there for family

Hi.

I have bad anxiety & depression and have all my life, on a benefit, living with my mum n dad who are ill & am struggling to help them as i can't help myself, every day is a struggle, my dog died last year & i've not been same since.. I get ESA & pip but struggling to be there for family, sometimes it's too much.

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anisty

This sounds like one of those situations where you need to put your own oxygen mask on before trying to help others.

Very difficult if you have never lived independently from your Mum and Dad and feel responsible for them. You are not responsible for them but you are going to need professional help to unpick the family dynamic here and give yourself space from your parents.

I agree with Bluebell - any other family members who can lend a hand?

If not, i suggest a place to start is a heart to heart with your parents. Do they need you 24 /7?

Can they qualify for support from care services?

You need set times in your day where your parents know you are off duty. That means that during the agreed times they do not call on you, phone you, text you or disturb your time unless it is a life threatening emergency!

If you are not housebound yourself, you are free to go out (and, remember you are an adult and do not need to let your parents know what you do - just be available again at the agreed time)

You need your own headspace. If you can't get our independently, pls think about hiring a PA.

If you have friends you can meet, or are able to join a club, go to a pub, whatever you like that will give you adult time away from parents.

I know it is so expensive to get paid counselling these days and NHS is pretty hopeless but a chat with your GP might be a good idea. Lay it on really thick that you need urgent help here and, you never know, services might appear! Unlikely, but that is how it should work.

And - join a pet forum. There are pet bereavement services too. I suspect your dog was your main confidante and support so that is a huge hole left in your life.

You need support - that starts with recognising you are a seperate person from your parents and have rights.

Make space for you. Time space and physical space.

Find out what services can help your family nhs wise and social work wise.

Price up privately things that can't be provided fast. See if there's any way you can afford even a little counselling, or support worker.

Keep a diary. Record how you feel. Set mini goals to work to, a plan of where you want to be in 3 months, 6 months etc.

Santosha12

@Tumilty I can't add anything to the great points @Bluebell21 and @anisty have written to you except to say that Blue Cross Bereavement are a brilliant help and they do have a helpline too if you wanted to speak to someone on the 'phone. I rang them when I lost two of my dogs four days apart and they were amazing.

Take very good care of yourself and warmest wishes to you.

Tumilty

Hi @Bluebell21 and @anisty and thanks.

I have lived away many times & have my own place but due to my mental health getting worse & my parents physically getting worse i've returned to stay with them, my confidence is zero, don't enjoy being social really although i do run & still have the flat but gets really lonely

I like my own company but dread being permanently alone, one of many worries i have about the future which i talk to my gp about, i had been referred to iapt & the primary care mental health trust but has been a waste of time. I've had anxiety & depression all my life & have been through the system many times, councillors, psychiatrists, cpn's & yet here i am as bad as ever.

My parents issues are all physical & i do feel it my duty but occasionally relationship gets strained and since my dog died it's all gotten worse & yes the Blue Cross have been great @Santosha12 .

I often feel each day is a struggle & it's all too much at times.

anisty

I thought the same - maybe it is time to move back into your own place with a new dog for a fresh start. I would caution against getting a puppy though as they can be overwhelming for anyone and the last thing you need is a dose of the puppy blues on top on everything.

And not a rescue with problems - an ex greyhound might suit you very well. Gentle and calm and almost always need to be kept on lead when walked (beautiful lead walkers, no pulling) which eliminates recall worries. They don't need a lot of exercise at all and are non threatening so you'd not get negative comments when out and about.

I am a huge cat fan and cats are fab as they do look after themselves more when you're not up to it but of course getting your cushions ripped to shreds, your favourite ornament sent crashing to the ground and the odd half live mouse dropped at your feet can be stressful!

And - let's face it - cats give that superior look which can reduce your self esteem to zero!

Not all cats are cuddly and some absolutely don't want to be handled at all.

Do you have siblings or cousins to help share the load at all? It sounds like a lot you're dealing with there by yourself.

Tumilty

no i'm a million miles away from that. struggles with loads of stuff, just want to go to bed & sleep mi fave place with a tranquilizer

anisty

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1016623#Comment_1016623

Sorry to hear this. But nothing is a million miles away, though i appreciate it feels like that right now. With the right support, this could be a longer term goal for you. It's too much to face alone so your wanting to hide away asleep is understandable and a protective response.

But, with help to find a route through these pressures, break them down into tiny steps and someone to hold your hand and walk you through, there is an easier path through the other side of this tough time.

Half the battle is believing that. And pretty much the other half is believing in yourself! Everything's possible and achievable if you're travelling in the right direction.

Take care. One step at a time.

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