Daughter gone into residential school

rpettifer
rpettifer Online Community Member Posts: 4 Listener
edited June 11 in Families and carers

HI i have a 16 year old non verbal autistic daughter with complex needs. Tonight is her 2nd night away at residential school. I so miss her and as shes never been away for more than 2 nights restbyte i fret she is now realising that she should come home soon and will become upset and anxious when shes starts pointing at home pec cards and her request isnt met. We have been told we need to give her 3 weeks of settling in before we can visit her. I worry we may be estranged to her by then. I am now also desperately missing her and having hervher invthe background crying just want to bring her home yet know in 48 hours again i will be completely burnt out. Care package couldnt be met and mostcdays were complete school refusal in her day setting to the point we were very much locked in our house as ahe wouldnt leave unless to a shop to get her food choices. This has been the situation for 6 years. Be nice to hear other peoples stories who have gone through this painful decision.

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Comments

  • Legwax
    Legwax Online Community Member Posts: 149 Empowering

    Hello Rebeccah, what a painful time for you. I wonder if your daughter is enjoying the novelty but yes, she will be missing you. I haven't been in the exact situation but a similar one that was very difficult daily for years. Please remember the good and right reasons that you are now living in a different way. You will gain strength and over time you both will be more used to it. Her needs will be met. You must meet your own. You have done so much that you sound like you stopped looking after yourself. It is extremely hard to make such a decision. Guilt and grief will ebb and flow over time I found. I hope you can get some sleep. Take it - the situation but also you yourself - a day at a time. That was helpful to me. Maybe it would be useful for you to speak to someone, I mean a counsellor via your GP as this is a loss and might follow like a bereavement. You and your daughter will benefit from this change. Wishing you easier rest and hope you feel a little lighter over the next few days.

  • Bluebell21
    Bluebell21 Online Community Member, Scope Member Posts: 12,074 Championing

    Hi @rpettifer Welcome to the Community. You have done the best thing you could for both of you. It will be hard while you both adjust to the changes.

    You will probably live the longest three weeks of your life while you are waiting to see her, but if you went before she would want to come home with you.

    Perhaps try and fill you time with things you are now able to do. Even if it is just house work and gardening. Make time for yourself which is something we never do when we are caring for someone.

    I hope everything goes well for you both.

    Take care.

  • Mary_Scope
    Mary_Scope Posts: 1,787 Scope Online Community Children and Family Specialists
    edited June 11

    Hi @rpettifer and a warm welcome to the community😄

    Thank you for being so open and I'm sure we have other members who can relate so you're not alone. This is such a huge and emotional step and it’s completely natural to feel torn.

    You’ve done what’s best for both your daughter and yourself, even though it hurts. She won’t forget you in three weeks and this time is about giving her space to settle, not losing the bond you share. You’re still her safe place and I hope everything goes well and you're both doing okay.


    I'm also going to move your post and change the title of it so it makes it easier for other people on the community who have been through similar experiences to find and offer support. Hope thats okay

  • rpettifer
    rpettifer Online Community Member Posts: 4 Listener

    Thank you for your kind message. Yes that will be fine. Cant wait for the 3 weeks to see her and hopefully startvto be able to bring her home at weekends.

  • rpettifer
    rpettifer Online Community Member Posts: 4 Listener
    https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1036106#Comment_1036106

    Thank you. I am seeing a counselor next week. Trying to keep busy. Youre right if i drive up she will want to come home. She is already missing us the staff have been very honest but they are really taking good care of her so i do need to try this. Thank you so much x

  • rpettifer
    rpettifer Online Community Member Posts: 4 Listener
    https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1036042#Comment_1036042

    Thank you for your advice i will follow it. Youre right ebbs and flows but need to try this as the residential school can offer her so much more thanvwhatcshe got at home. Hopefully inbthe near future we will be able to see her liads and bring her home for holidays and weekends and relish our time together without distressing her by sending her back for hercschool weeks. Thank you.

  • Legwax
    Legwax Online Community Member Posts: 149 Empowering

    I'm pleased for you that you know the staff are being honest and taking good care of her. Ahh, what a week for you both. I am glad you have a counsellor available, do hope it helps. I used to call the Samaritans who are there for anyone and they listen sympathetically if that is what you ever need. 116 123. Odd looking number but it is them. Wrote them a few emails too, good to get it out. I do hope you both have easier times and your daughter settles in very well. All the best.

  • Legwax
    Legwax Online Community Member Posts: 149 Empowering

    You all I meant. Take care.

  • Bluebell21
    Bluebell21 Online Community Member, Scope Member Posts: 12,074 Championing
    https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1036285#Comment_1036285

    Would love to know how both you and your daughter get on going forward when you have a moment. Only if you would like to share. It can sometimes help.

    Take care.

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