Feeling guilty as a carer when you’re exhausted – how do you reset?

Daniel_otis · November 27

I care for my parents alongside a full-time job and, most days, I just about manage. But every now and then I hit a wall and feel completely worn out. On those days I’m not as patient as I’d like to be with my dad, and afterwards I feel really guilty.

I know I’m not the only one juggling work, caring and trying to have some sort of life. I’m curious how others in a similar situation “reset” when they’re running on empty. Do you have small things you do for yourself, or ways of reminding yourself that you’re doing enough?

I’d really value hearing how other carers keep going without burning out completely, especially from people who’ve been doing this for a while.

Rachel_Scope · November 27

Hi @Daniel_otis, it's completely understandable to feel worn out and maybe a bit irritable, it's a tough thing to care for someone and work full-time. I don't have any experience of this personally but there are some services for carers to have a break that might be useful for you https://www.nhs.uk/social-care-and-support/support-and-benefits-for-carers/carer-breaks-and-respite-care/ .

What are you passionate about? Do you have hobbies or interests?

SaraC_Scope · November 27

Hi @Daniel_otis

I have some understanding of your circumstances. My Dad is a full time carer to my Mum, but as we're a small family my sister and I are actively involved almost every day. It can feel like I'm parenting my parents and losing that family connection we had only a few years ago.

There are times I feel exhausted dealing with phone calls and appointments. We've only recently had a diagnosis of dementia for my mum, so I'm hoping Dad will reach out for more support with this news.

I try to book things in my diary for my own self care. My husband and I are going to a small comedy gig tonight. I also love watching television, especially Christmas films.

Do you have some respite opportunities in place? It's good to hear you recognise the need for self-care before you burn out.

Take care.

Daniel_otis · November 28

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1086385#Comment_1086385

Hi @Rachel_Scope

Thank you so much for replying and for being so understanding.😥

I hadn’t really looked into carers’ breaks before – I think part of me just felt I had to get on with it – so I’ll have a proper read of the guide you shared and see what might be available locally.

In terms of hobbies, I used to read a lot and go for short walks when my balance allows, and I still enjoy listening to music or watching a bit of football in the evenings. Lately I’ve let most of that slide because I feel I should always be “on call” for my parents. Your message is a good nudge to try and bring a couple of those things back into my week.

Daniel_otis · November 28

Thank you @SaraC_Scope for sharing so much of your own situation, it really means a lot. What you said about feeling like you’re parenting your parents really resonated with me – I often feel that shift too, and it brings a kind of quiet sadness on top of all the practical work of caring.

I’m really sorry to hear about your mum’s recent diagnosis. That must be a huge thing for all of you to take in, and I hope your dad is able to get the extra support he needs with it.

At the moment I don’t really have any formal respite in place. It’s mostly just me, with the odd bit of help from a relative when they can manage it, and my parents can be quite resistant to the idea of anyone else coming in. After your message (and Rachel’s link) I’m thinking I should at least explore what’s out there rather than waiting until I completely run out of steam.

I like your idea of actually putting self-care things in the diary.❤️ It makes it feel more “allowed”, rather than something you only squeeze in if there’s a spare half hour.

Kimi87 · November 28

As a carer you are entitled to an assessment of your needs https://www.nhs.uk/social-care-and-support/support-and-benefits-for-carers/carer-assessments/

I would also suggest drawing boundaries, for example if your parents want you to call in each day you don't have to, you can offer as many days as you feel able and suggest they get someone else on the other days.

Sometimes the choice we want isn't on the table, so we have to choose between other options.

I haven't had the normal parent/child relationship with my Mum for years now due to her ill health. My Dad lives abroad. I understand how you feel.

Feeling guilty as a carer when you’re exhausted – how do you reset?

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