Too sensitive to live

Hi all!

Just to give a framework of what I say here…. I'm not in any way a professional, just a consumer of suicidal thinking - so to speak. Also, my preference is like you've all expressed here, that people don't commit suicide, but like maybe all of you feel, I know that some people can't manage to hang on to withstand their pain. And I am in no position to judge what is intolerable pain in someone else's life. I do hope that one day we can get to a point that no one wants to commit suicide. In the meantime, I think it is counterproductive to NOT talk about these feelings and thoughts. The reason I think it's counterproductive relates to the pink elephant. If I tell you not to think about a pink elephant, the first thing you think about is a pink elephant. So if someone is not allowed to think about suicide or talk about it, that might make them want it more. Also, avoiding a thought or feeling is not how that thought or feeling is dealt with; it just pushes it into the darkness, where it may actually ferment into something hideous. Also, I think, if managed properly, it can be a healthy journey to explore why we feel the need to kill ourselves. So it's my guess that this may be some of the reasons why this discussion is allowed on this forum and why people are chiming in.

@sosad999 I'm writing this of course without knowing you at all, so I'm just going on the little bit I see in this thread. So if I misunderstood any of what you've said, please forgive me. The reason I ask if these are chronic thoughts is because thinking about suicide can become a habit. So it can start with a far-flung solution to your problem, then you add another problem that has that solution, then another, then another, and over time the pile of reasons as to why you should commit suicide is a massive pile. So then it becomes more and more appealing over time, of course. And it is an actual solution to every problem because it erases all responsibilities, everything on your to-do list, all your emotions, all your thoughts, all the people in your life, all the problems of the world, absolutely everything. Mind you, it's an extreme case of cutting off your nose to spite your face. Regardless, it does solve everything. There will be no friends or family to judge your pain or who you are or whether or not your pain is insurmountable, or whether or not you deserve to be here. You will have no voice.

But what if you can imagine that generations of people who have suffered in this world have worked with good listeners as friends, family and professionals, and they have come up with ideas as to how to manage suffering? Maybe that is why you are considering therapy and meds?

And what if you can consider that you've just run out of ideas as to how to cope with your pain, and that maybe someone in the generations before you came up with some answers that just might make sense to you? Maybe the new therapist you're going to see will give you an idea? Or someone here on the forum? Or one of your friends? Or one of your family members? Maybe that's why you are telling people how these feelings?

And what if you just need a little rest from trying to figure it out all by yourself, rather than a permanent rest? Maybe you can find little windows of time in your life to just relax and let go and breathe in your sadness and your pain? Lots of little breaks that can really add up to help your get your bearings, rather than a permanent break?

And maybe you can be a new version of you, a version where you are all of who you are now with the added part of you that feels so lost and disconnected and exhausted and misunderstood and unworthy of being here on Planet Earth. And maybe that addition can be a healthier version of the you that is now. Maybe life is bittersweet and that you need to adapt and be bittersweet too, by integrating that part of you that doesn't want to be here because it is so painful.

And maybe none of this makes sense to you. But maybe someone else will come along in your journey and will make sense to you.

Oh you said it so much better and quicker than me! Oh dear me I wrote too much. Oops! That's all I was trying to say, that @sosad999 should talk about these feelings. That's amazing that you have been able to free yourself! So amazing! Bravo for you!

Thank you @Catherine21 🙏🏼❤️ It's definitely not all rainbows and lollipops talking about this, but at least there is hope by reaching out to others. My biggest lesson in sharing my pain has been learning that everyone has pain. Everyone I've shared with anyway. What is your biggest lesson in reaching out?

@sosad999 are you hanging in there? Did you get your test done?

Hi @Catherine21

Your spelling is good enough that you can be understood. That's all that counts here! 😊 I love how you pack so much into so few words! It's okay to be vulnerable is a lesson I've learned too - and to be careful as to who I'm vulnerable with. Learning to say no without feeling guilty - wow that's a big one for me too. Having boundaries with myself and others - yeah, another big one! Being a self-advocate is another big one for me too.

In my view, all of us here on the forum are self-advocates whenever we reach out for help, and advocates for others whenever we try to lend a helping hand. Also whenever we share our stories, I think we're advocates for both ourselves and others.

It seems that until we start speaking with others about our thoughts/feelings/experiences (whatever those may be, and not just suicidal thinking), that we're living in a dream world, detached from reality. All of what you describe says to me that you're connecting to the world within you and around you. Does that sound about right?

"You are not Alone"❤️

😊 I hope you can laugh at that even just a little.

It's okay and often even healthy to feel suicidal. There are a lot of us feeling suicidal amongst the living - not just the dead.

You know, I have a countdown timer app with some of my birthdays scheduled so that when it gets too much, I look at how long I have to go to get there. I often change the units to make it a little more interesting, like seconds and weeks or days or months. But hopefully I go really soon. I have planned end-of-life care through advance directives and have almost finished planning my funeral. That really helps too, to be picturing the end better. I also have a DNR on my medical records. These measures really make the now more doable.

You know how people say that you have to find reasons to live? Or they say find reasons to feel grateful? Well I would always find something to keep me here, but it was a stretch of the imagination, and I was just white-knuckling it to stay here. Then about 3 years ago someone asked me to explain why I wanted to go, in 3 words. The 3 words that came up came out as a list of three reasons:

1. Overwhelmed.
2. Misunderstood.
3. Fearful.

When I looked at that list, I realized that they are really good reasons for me to want to leave Planet Earth. I also realized that I was too chicken to off myself, because I wasn't 100% into wanting to leave, meaning there were parts of me that still want to live. And there still are those parts. So what I decided to do was to turn my reasons for wanting to die into my reasons for wanting to live. By that I mean I'm working on addressing that list, maybe even until I die. And you know what? It's still working, 3 years later. Working, in the sense that I still want to die but it's giving me reason to hang on. So whenever I'm falling apart, it's amazing how pretty much all my problems fit into those 3 reasons.

Maybe something there speaks to you?

Something I'm wondering is what you hope to gain by posting here?

Here's a screenshot of one of my countdowns today....