What do you do when you're about to have a massive meltdown?

@WhatThe how does water help?

I usually go for the tactical retreat into the garage to swear at a car engine that hasn't run since the Bush administration. There is something about screaming at a rusted bolt that really puts the last 50 years into perspective without getting me arrested. It is either that or a long drive where the radio is loud enough to drown out my own thoughts. Check out some of the local hobby groups if you need a place to disappear for a few hours.

Oh I wish I could get a sample video of all you guys letting loose! Love these confessions. Or maybe at least an audio? LOL!

Here we go with a little more of my story…

! [EDIT TO ADD Trigger Warning for Trauma] !

A childhood full of trauma with no one listening led me to the psych ward in a psychotic catatonic state at the age of 19. The psychiatric system became increasingly violent and critical of me over the decades, which in many ways worsened my psychiatric state. And because of my psychiatric illnesses, most of my medical issues were ignored and dismissed as psychiatric problems. So my meltdowns in many respects got worse over the decades because of more trauma and more of not being listened to. After many years of symptoms, in 2012, I had another complete psychotic episode. But this episode was different than the others because, unlike the other times, this time it wasn't responsive to the assaults by staff to forcibly inject me with antipsychotic meds, or locking me in solitary confinement, or tying me to the bed in four-point restraints. After three months of this torture, I had the worst meltdown (full of all the beautiful variants of the F word) with the treating psychiatrist and peeved him off so much that he agreed to discharge me AMA (against medical advice). Long story short, it turned out I was in thyroid storm and almost died. I had Graves disease. And in 2014, 1-1/2 years later, I was also diagnosed with breast cancer and peripheral neuropathy. These three illnesses explained all the symptoms I had been complaining about for a few years prior to 2012, which were all dismissed due to my psychiatric illnesses.

In 2012 after the psychiatric hospitalisation, I undertook four legal proceedings to try to change my psychiatric care. What these proceedings made very clear was that I would never be safe in Canada. So I came to Spain in 2014. Apart from a few basics, when I came here, I couldn't speak Spanish, but I knew I didn't have a fighting chance in Canada - where I could speak English clear as a bell.

It's been a humbling lesson to have one situation after another where I can't understand people and/or they can't understand me. Because it happens so frequently, I don't have the energy to get upset all the time and freak out when people don't understand me. So ironically by not being understood and by not understanding others, I've learned to just let go of that goal. Like Leonard Cohen says in his song 'Anthem', "Forget your perfect offering." Loose understanding is okay by me now - from both sides. 😊