Spiralling

sosad999 · April 28

I feel like I'm losing my grip on my life. Well, on the emotions and their impact on my life.

I've had 2 weeks of MBT. Its harder than I was expecting given I'm only 2 weeks in. Its highlighted how deep I'd pushed everything and now emotions are bubbling back to the top and I'm drowning. I'm convinced I'm pushing my best friend away even though logically I know I'm not but gain, emotionally I'm terrified. I want to drink and I want to self harm, both things I've promised her I won't do - so I won't but it doesn't make it all go away.

I don't know what to do with myself 😫

Holly_Scope · April 28

Morning @sosad999. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this at the minute. I know from my experience of therapy (although a different kind), it was really hard and I was so down too at the beginning but it got better. I'm going to send you an email soon so please keep an eye out for it 💜

sosad999 · May 11

I went away last week with my parents for a few days. On the whole it was OK but I did learn that a good friend passed away mid way through. I got home yesterday and spiralled badly. I drove to a place where I go to commit suicide, then on the way home bought alcohol (which never ends well but still I did it). As I could have predicted I ended up self harming and messaging my best friend. She didn't know about any of this but she got the usual messages where I'm scared she'll reject me blah blah blah

Today I feel emotionally fragile and not safe. I know I can ring CMHT but realistically what are they going to say to help? There isn't anything and thats the problem

Rosie_Scope · May 11

Oh @sosad999, I'm really sorry to hear about your friend. Grief is awful and it's no wonder you're feeling unsettled after hearing the news. We've sent you an email today so please look out for that.

Do you think you'll feel able to explain things to your friend once things calm down? Your friend seems to have been supportive in the past, so I'm sure she'll understand that you're going through something really hard.

Please do consider ringing CMHT if you can. They can't take away the things that have made you feel this way, but they may be able to put some extra support in place if you need it. Hope things start feeling easier to manage soon 💙

sosad999 · May 12

I called CMHT this morning. They're going to try to get me allocated a support worker especially as the MBT has started and its going to kick up a lot of stuff. I've been on the list for a while so don't expect anything to happen soon. I told them about the drinking, self harm and going to where I would kill myself.

I wish I could just 'be' with my friend and not read into everything. But it feels like I've shown her all my vulnerabilities and now she has the ability to break me. I know she won't, not intentionally anyway but I feel too vulnerable now.

Everything feels out of control and my way of regaining that isn't healthy, but effective albeit short term

Rachel_Scope · May 12

I'm glad they're going to try and get you a support worker. I hope it happens soon.

Have you spoken to your friend since you messaged her when you were spiralling? It's tough to feel so vulnerable but I'm sure she'll be there to support you.

When you say that your 'way of regaining' everything isn't healthy, what do you mean?

StarryEyed · May 13

Good morning @sosad999

Maybe having other friends or at least acquaintances in your life could be helpful? You might feel less performance pressure with the one friend you have. Another good thing about having others in your life is that everyone comes with a unique perspective. It's also really healthy because you get to be there for other people.

Perhaps you could find a support group in your area? Also there are lots of people here on the forum who you might enjoy hanging out with. There is also a really great website I recently started visiting every morning that has letters written to people who are struggling. I love it. Here is that website:

https://reasonstostay.org/

The idea in having more people in your life is that we can often be at the end of our rope because we've run out of ideas on how to cope. By reaching out, others can give us new ideas. And we can connect to a bigger picture than our solitary life. And just maybe we can feel useful and needed by others.

Thank you for reaching out. You inspire me. ❤️

sosad999 · May 13

Thank you for your lovely replies.

I do have a good set of friends so I am lucky in that respect. This particular friend is my closest one and for various reasons has become my closest friend in a relatively short space of time. She's the one I can have no filter with, tell anything to but she's also the one I fear losing the most. She reassures me all the time but something stops me accepting her words so I live in a constant bubble of fear, predicting and anticipating rejection so my nervous system is shot at.

My self harming has got much worse, anything to stop my head for a few minutes

StarryEyed · May 13

You're welcome.

My bad. I misunderstood in thinking you only have one friend.

So why do you fear losing this one friend? Is it something you're doing or something she's doing?

sosad999 · May 13

No apology needed, I did make it sound that way.

I don't know why I fear it so much. We have a lot in common as in we've had our fair share of trauma and she understands mental health (we met through her being my mental health first aider at work). We both feel and both refer to it, that we are best friends (and yes I know I sound like a 10 year and not a woman in her 50s). She makes me feel chosen, understood and seen. Something I haven't had for most of my life. Losing her would mean all of those emotions and feelings are wrong. She constantly reassures me, promises me she isn't going anywhere but I can't seem to be able to feel that. She couldn't do anymore. I read things into silence, change of tone in a message, perceived distance. I make it a nightmare for myself. Living in the fear makes me feel it all the time when its not happening. Its all my fault.

StarryEyed · May 13

Oh my oh my that makes complete sense. The only person in my life that I tell everything is my brother. A year ago we started weekly two-hour sessions where I speak with no filters. It's unbelievable how much is even still inside that is unfelt, unthought and unsaid. He says he still loves me and loves these conversations. But it's hard to believe after a lifetime of being told how wrong my thoughts and feelings and actions are.

Maybe you and I are loveable just as we are, in all our brokenness? I think I am, but it's hard to believe others think I am when I've been told otherwise by the vast majority of society. Maybe it's enough to convince just one person that our deepest brokenness is beautiful?

sosad999 · May 19

That's a beautiful way of seeing our brokenness.

I'm in what feels like a dangerous head space. I don't see how I can keep living and feel like this. There's that medical term 'not compatible with life' - that's how I feel

StarryEyed · May 20

Hi @sosad999 and I'm sorry you're struggling. What's your idea of a "dangerous head space"? I have many dangerous head spaces. I've never heard of the term "not compatible with life" and instead of googling it to see what you might mean, perhaps it's best to just ask you?

sosad999 · May 20

For me a dangerous head space is when self harm and suicide are front and centre.

As for that phrase, it means that my mental health condition means living isn't an option and my life is not sustainable.

I'm exhausted with every day feeling like a full on battle. Feel like I'm permanently drowning in emotions. I can't even explain what needs to change for me to feel better which is even more scary

StarryEyed · May 21

Yeah, for me too that drowning in feelings feeling can feel unbearable. 😊 It can feel like an infinite amount of feelings, but it's not. I believe as l Robert Frost wrote....

So you've got to feel the feels to get through the feels.

And remember that feeling overwhelmed is a feeling in and of itself.

How is your therapy going? It's supposed to help you manage your thoughts and feelings, right?

Spiralling

Comments

Categories