Life sux...... again - Page 2 — Scope | Disability forum
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Life sux...... again

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  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 740 Listener
    edited February 2018
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Topkitten   Thank you for replying.  I have had a morning to reflect and muse and also sitting here watching the drama unfold.

    I am talking in riddles again.  I do not understand neither do you what exactly you are saying here.  I see a load of contradiction and I know before you say it not true but it is.

    Understanding what people on the forum are debating about a range of subjects is not only being worthwhile to the person writing.  They seek advice and support plus any views, opinions..

    I am in pain and I sit here day after day looking at what people are saying.  Read maybe two or three times.  Then I make a decision can I help and advise.  Can I offer comfort, solace.

    The point I was trying to say about loneliness is that you see people.  Do you not?  I was reading your posts you do a lot, yes but you again see people whether you wished to talk.  That is your choice.  I do not believe you go to support groups do not talk.  Have a cleaner who helps do not talk to her.  Ladies have sex with do not say anything then.  I think my humble opinion that you say you are introverted from my point of view I do not think so.  I think you are only kidding yourself.  Not only that but in my circumstances I do not see or speak to any one.  I mean that.

    When I talk to you see to be blind but can see,  can be not listening, but can hear, be dumb, but want to utter words that make no sense.

    I agree with you put a front on give people what they wished to hear.  I see then I wonder why are you introverted .  May be you need to look at some solutions to help yourself mentally if you feel like that.

    You say you have issues with medical professionals.  You need to step back and ask yourself why am I having problems.  Having been born with a disability and becoming in my families eyes an attention seeker.  I knew I had issues and problems that I need to address.

    All people in these professions are amazing, fantastic, grateful and supportive.  If you want to help yourself much as possible.  I have experiences of bad doctors yes I had my run ins.  It helps to be polite, kind and being aware of what you needs are.

    A lot of this can be dealt with by going an looking at courses on line or community colleges.  I will admit they are daunting but worth the experience how to get want you wish for.  Also just one minute on this subject my case history is enormous and irks me to see when I visit the hospital or doctors the amount of health history I have.  Plus one final point there are Advocacy Services which will represents you interests.  You have to be polite and respectful.

    Not only do I see people here picking up the pieces of your life and sorting it out.  You seem to reaching for what exactly for and need.  I have and many others poured their love and respect, tried to understand.  Hitting a brick wall.

    I need to day for you to sit back and try to relax and this is the point every body who is concerned for your welfare.  Whether you asked for it or not.  You have put into place your own parameters and barriers.

    This is the parable of the Boy Who Cried Wolf.  This is a excellent story one to compare ones life with especially yours.  I am not being nasty but this is what I am receiving.

    One minute it is help me look at me I am dying like my friend long ago who sounded a lot like you.  Then next minute poking and jabbing a finger at all and sundry.  Laughing behind a mask or veil does not work.

    My friend who had suicidal thoughts did all what you are doing.  I have said before come come quickly going to kill myself tonight.  So off I go jimjams and spare key get there and he is wide awake alive and more a less making a mockery.  Then one night he had a bust up with me on the phone.  He always rang him, I used to ring then I got all the misery etc.

    He kept doing this and imagine me going all the time.  Having mental problems myself as well.

    I got angry and annoyed remember I was ill myself.  So I did not go .  I found out on the Thursday he had killed himself but had rang me on the evening but I was out.  Ironically at the Doctors.  Set off a lot of guilt and other problems.

    Also had another friend who had these thoughts like yourself.  At every turn he was making himself ill and losing friends except me.  One day he had a visit from a daughter he never knew.  Life started to change.  Went to therapy.  One night came off the bus walked off the bus into a path of a car and was killed.

    He had spent so much time wanting to die and now wanting to live then that.  These are two stories that I have in my head and I file away.  Only tell when some one like yourself needs to be aware.

    I was trying to make you understand what you are doing not only to me but others
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  • Topkitten
    Topkitten Community member Posts: 1,285 Pioneering
    @thespiceman Contradictions? Sure. I am full of them. This is the problem with anyone trying to help me or analyse me. When alone I am one thing, around others I am totally different. It is impossible to understand or analyse a chameleon.

    My intelligence also works against me. Religion is the food of the masses but I cannot believe in something that is based not in science but in contradictions and all religions are. I have read the bible and there are so many things to support a story but so many that don't also. The contradictions are woven into a mysticism and that is something that, to me, makes no sense.

    Like you I was completely shut off from others and thought that by getting out and seeing people then life would improve. It didn't. Instead I am constantly faced with people with dubious aims and surreptitious aims and actions. All out for what they can get and prepared to do and say anything to get it. I find no solace in it, just sadness that the world is as it is and has no room for someone like me.

    With doctors I understand things they do not, I see things they will never see and I experience things they will never understand. I am constantly misdiagnosed because I do not fir into one of their little boxes and despair of their lack of interest in discovering the complexities of something new. They try to treat me with old and established regimen which I can see will have little or no effect because that is what they always do. In the last 12 years I have only met 2 doctors prepared to embark on such a new course of diagnosis and treatment. Alas I lost both of them. Now, if I do not figure out how to treat myself then I get no treatment at all. Yet still, every 2 or 3 months, I get worse and the pain goes up and I can do less. Today, as an example, the medication ran out early and I slept until 10pm. Unable to eat, drink, medicate or do anything. This is the second time in a week and yet when I saw the doctor he did nothing whatsoever to help me. Why should I respect someone who will not do his job properly simply because he doesn't understand.

    What no one here recognises is that I respect the views of some ahead of my own but I still do not know them so cannot fully trust anyone I don't know. So many times in the past I have trusted and been let down. Maybe I ask too much of people, maybe I ask too much of myself, who knows?

    I put things like I have here to rant at the world, a world that has treated me badly in so many ways. Yet, the treatment occurs because I allow myself to open up to others.

    How do you know the real colour of a chameleon?

    My rules?

    People cannot be trusted until they prove themselves worthy.
    People engage me in conversion to find out what they can get from me.
    The more people talk, the less they say.
    Online people only speak due to anonymity.
    How people say things is more important than what they say.
    I can only judge people properly when I can see their faces because only then can I discover their true reasons.

    I "trust" a handful of people here but they must accept me for who I am not who they would like me to be.

    TK (AlleyCat Extraordinaire)
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • sleepy1
    sleepy1 Community member Posts: 297 Pioneering
    Hi TK

    Hope you feel better getting all that off your chest.

    From reading "your rules" I don't understand the reason why you would even want to converse with people on here because that contradicts most of your rules!

    You also say you have been unable to eat, drink, medicate or do anything.  Yet you have somehow found the time and energy to locate your computer and constantly type away........mainly about problems you have had concerning  woman you chose to employ from websites (having broken your own rules).

    Just an observation and sorry if it sounds harsh but if you were really as disabled and in as much pain that you claim to be in, why on earth would you even contemplate looking for a new love interest?









  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 740 Listener
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
  • Topkitten
    Topkitten Community member Posts: 1,285 Pioneering
    @sleepy1 a very good point and please criticize away. I am not looking for a love interest, I am looking for friendship. Generally women do not want just friendship unless you are prepared to consider more. I make friends far more easily with women than I do with men so that's who I tend to contact. It's a crazy world that I live in.

    In terms of pain levels I can sit in my recliner (where I sleep most often) and as I am now, with my legs raised and this laptop balanced on the arm of the chair and type and contact people. Only other option would be to do the same from my bed. At least my pain is kept to a minimum. Getting up and walking about causes massive increases in the pain so food, drink and toilet breaks are put off as long as possible. Food wise I have gone 4 days without food at one point (and I mean no food at all), so a day or two without is so simple and easy as to be nothing to even think about. However, I am a man with ALL the female interest I have always had so want sex (as almost all of us do). What I want is no complications though so I tried escorts to avoid love interest (THAT didn't go as planned though, lol!). Ask any other man on here how much they would put themselves through for sex and you will find most agree with me.

    I have no REAL friends. I have a lot of people who are acquaintances but may think of me as more. I can't help that because I don't trust easily.

    People always ask me how can I be in so much pain and still function? What else would I do? Give up, go to bed and stay there forever? I have tried suicide a number of times. Whether I failed because I didn't really want to die or because I am completely inept or just bad luck I cannot say but I have tried and even tried seriously (hence the coma I put myself into). My children want me to give up trying which is why every single day I fight with the impulse to get it over with. I have discovered that it is possible to function at some level no matter how much pain you are in and I have been doing that for 12 years. Now I function with pain levels similar to those caused by 8 slipped discs plus I have another equivalent to another but this time in the neck. I try to get people to understand that they could too but too many see pain as the end of the world. I despair when I see someone complaining that there world is over because they now have to take Cocodamol all the time. I have been there and done that. It is not only possible to lead a relatively normal life at that level it is also possible to consider a good future. I try to show them that no matter how bad things seem, if you don't give up, it can get better or at least they can.

    Having slept all day and woken at 22:00 there is not much else I can do but to go online or just vegetate in front of the TV. I responded to 5 or 6 posts, mostly offering suggestions. I also went on the site I use for escorts because I am helping someone on there who has been through the PIP route and is fighting a serious problem at age 30. I have eaten 2 jam tarts and a mince pie, not much else in the house I can manage until I put my teeth in. I have made 2 coffees as well. Because I slept so long I couldn't sleep at all last night after I finally woke up. Simply put I needed something to do to, if nothing else, distract me from the pain.

    All I did with my last post here was to show people how difficult it is to get close to me and how difficult it is to understand me. Hell, I am intellectually supposed to be a genius and I don't have a clue about myself! It started as a rant and people offered advice but I have been fighting so long that, no disrespect intended, I have tried everything people suggest. I can't help it if I don't come across well when I try to explain that. Believe me, if I could find something that works I would be doing it as much as I can, which is why I now do Yoga and believe in spiritual energy. I HAVE TRIED.

    I don't want to be pitied, I just want things to be easier for me. With support from the health services I could get that but they won't make any REAL effort. They just consign me to the "unhelpable" group and move on to the next person. I don't expect life to be fair but it would be nice if I got a little support instead of the zilch I get at the moment.

    I am NOT an easy person to get on with. I have always said so and always meant it. I can though give the impression of getting along with people. I didn't figure I needed to do that here though. I thought people here would prefer to find and get along with the person I really am.

    If that was wrong then I apologise, something I have gotten very good at.

    I am completely open and completely honest which I understand can be hurtful at times and which I hide by not saying too much too often. Believe it of not but I respect everyone and understand usually better than they their limitations simply because the one thing in this world I am REALLY good at is other people. Understanding them, responding to them, reading them (even in typed replies though not quite so good at that). I never complain about criticism because I know I am off the wall and imperfect in so many ways and probably deserve it. What I can be though is a good friend, fiercely loyal and always giving. Nor do I really care if I get abused for doing so, which has happened a lot in the past.

    If people want me to I will keep stum about my own issues and will not start threads like this in future, just resign myself to the fact that no one really wants to know ME.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • Topkitten
    Topkitten Community member Posts: 1,285 Pioneering
    edited February 2018
    I am well aware of that and accept it but it is still a long way from what I call "mysticism".

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • sleepy1
    sleepy1 Community member Posts: 297 Pioneering
    TK
    I truly hope you find that special friendship you are looking for but in the meantime please get your b-side out of your recliner try and eat something..........otherwise what is the point!

    Huggies  S1


  • Topkitten
    Topkitten Community member Posts: 1,285 Pioneering
    Oddly @sleepy1 I think to myself "What is the point" ALL the time. As the medication has settled down I have managed to eat today, that is until I got a letter from the doctor. He is putting me back onto a medication he took me off because of the side-effects. His reason? It is cheaper for the surgery. So now I am back to "What is the point" again.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 740 Listener
    edited February 2018
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
  • Sam_Alumni
    Sam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,671 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @DannyMoore

    The community is a supportive place and we welcome discussions and appreciate when members take the time to answer.

    Topkitten is sharing his thoughts in his own post and if members want to respond then that is up to them, if you don't want to talk to this member, you are welcome to leave it and spend time on other posts.

    If anyone has issues, you are free to let us know on community@scope.org.uk and we are happy to chat.
    Scope
    Senior online community officer
  • Alex
    Alex Posts: 1,305 Pioneering
    I'm now closing this discussion to further comments. 
This discussion has been closed.

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