When to tell? — Scope | Disability forum

When to tell?

drb78 Member Posts: 5 Connected
Hi, I am currently single, but I have started using dating sites as I do not go out very often. I am struggling to figure out when and how to tell potential dates that I have a disability. Years ago before these sites, if I was in a pub or restaurant etc potential daters could clearly see me with my crutches and that eliminated the awkwardness. Online though is a whole other minefield, I have been treated very badly by some because as a job I put mother, which made 2-3 guys feel that they could send me abusive messages assuming that I lived on benefits. I do survive through benefits, I also have always worked since age 13, even now I volunteer and charity fund raise to pay back in some way. I get very isolated and am very lonely, I am disabled but still have normal human desires how do I make this better?


  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 90 Listener
    edited August 2018
    i would put disabled female seeks honest male ?????that way they know before replying but to be honest here most dateing sites are full of married men or dirty old buggers after one thing  try  local paper some have dateing  coloums

  • drb78
    drb78 Member Posts: 5 Connected
    I typically don't put disabled because the stigma is still horrible. I am also very stubborn and think nobody else puts down their flaws why should I kind of thing. I am loosing hope in humanity most days, no manners or principles just ignorance and arrogance. I have previously, when I disclosed my disability after a few days of chatting, been called damaged goods! Why is this allowed in today's society? 
  • PSHEexpert
    PSHEexpert Member Posts: 170 Pioneering
    I am consistently horrified by the disrespect that is shown by some of the people that use online dating websites - I suppose on the plus side you do get to weed out, early on, the ones who wouldn’t have been worth wasting your time for a date on but my god, it can be disheartening. 

    So. When to tell. I don’t know if I have a good answer for this or not and I’d appreciate some of our other forum users chipping in with their own experiences; in my experience I’ve always been upfront about my condition, because if it puts people off I’m not interested in pursuing anything further with them. It’s not something I can change about myself and whilst I’m very fortunate that I have periods where I’m not noticeably affected, I also have really bad patches and there’s not a lot I can do about it, or hide it. 

    So from me, personally - I’m just upfront, but that’s on my own sort of reasoning that if it’s an issue to them, there’s no point going any further. I never put it on my actual profile but it was one of the first things I brought up, and usually what I said was, so before we get chatting I’ll be upfront - I’ve got this to deal with, it affects me in these ways, I’m not offended at all if that puts you off, feel free to ask respectful questions. And that was that really - I didn’t advertise it but I told eaely and then moved along smartly if it didn’t go over well. 

    Thats is my twopennorth - what does everyone else think? 
    - Gill 
  • wilko
    wilko Member Posts: 2,449 Disability Gamechanger
    Be honest, don't lead them on giving them the impression you are full able bodied. As a  Man knowing that the person I am going to meet date or other is disabled or has a disability will prepare me to be in the right frame of mind to be that bit patience expect delays or waiting. 
  • Richard_Scope
    Richard_Scope Posts: 3,115

    Scope community team

    I've always been upfront and honest. My disability is me! It's a part of who I am and has shaped my experiences. If people cannot take you for who you are then it's their loss.
    Specialist Information Officer and Cerebral Palsy Programme Lead

    'Concerned about another member's safety or wellbeing? Flag your concerns with us.

    Want to tell us about your experience in the community? Talk to our chatbot and let us know. 
  • drb78
    drb78 Member Posts: 5 Connected
    Having some male perspectives is really useful so thank you very much. I think I am going to be taking all of your advice on board and change my dating profiles. I will be more upfront and if they don't like it tough it's me. Thank you so much to you all I do feel a bit more positive about my situation and less ashamed. XX
  • Jazzgirl
    Jazzgirl Member Posts: 7 Listener
    I don't think you should bother putting the title disabled if your speaking to someone and they fail in love with your mind and soul when they meet you for a date if they truley liked you it wouldn't matter if you had a disability. 
  • tru88le
    tru88le Posts: 207 Courageous
    wilko said:
    Be honest, don't lead them on giving them the impression you are full able bodied. As a  Man knowing that the person I am going to meet date or other is disabled or has a disability will prepare me to be in the right frame of mind to be that bit patience expect delays or waiting. 
    Yes, disabled people are always delayed and you do need patience to deal with them ? of course they are too stupid to account for their own punctuality themselves.
    "Sorry I stood you up, I assumed, what with your disability and all that you would be too stupid to remember tyou had a date"
    It's a pity disabled people cause so much inconvenience that you need a warning to prepare to meet them socially.
    How do you prepare? Root out your blindfold or your 'I'm with stupid T shirt'?
     More likely just not turn up.

    I think it's worth mentioning a disability Justi in case they might be meeting someone ike this..