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lejolejo Member Posts: 8 Listener
My husband died 3 years ago and I now have no confidence  I suffer from arthritis in most joints also clinical depression and anxiety I get so lonely don't know if it worth going on 


  • Ami2301Ami2301 Community Co-Production Group Posts: 7,760 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @lejo welcome to the community! 

    I am sorry to hear you are feeling low, have you received any emotional support since your husband passed away?
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • lejolejo Member Posts: 8 Listener
    Some from my 4 sons but they have there own lives all work does not leave much time for me  I was married for 47 years  I was only 16 when we married and Roy was 17 I don't know any thing else x
  • Ami2301Ami2301 Community Co-Production Group Posts: 7,760 Disability Gamechanger
    You must have made some wonderful memories together :) Do you have any hobbies?
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • lejolejo Member Posts: 8 Listener
    Limited I used to do cross stitch but now have arthritis in most joints including my hands I have 3 small dogs who keep me going x
  • Ami2301Ami2301 Community Co-Production Group Posts: 7,760 Disability Gamechanger
    I have 2 dogs :) what breed are they and what are their names?
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • lejolejo Member Posts: 8 Listener
    They are chihuahuas ruby Betty and blossom 
  • Ami2301Ami2301 Community Co-Production Group Posts: 7,760 Disability Gamechanger
    I bet they keep you on your toes!
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • Sam_AlumniSam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,729 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @lejo
    Welcome to the community and I am so sorry to hear about your husband passing away, have you ever had any grief counselling? 

    If you are having thoughts of suicide, it is important that you discuss them with someone who is qualified to help. Please call the Samaritans on 116 123 (free) or email them at [email protected] 

    The NHS says about grief:

    There's no instant fix. You might feel affected every day for about a year to 18 months after a major loss. But after this time the grief is less likely to be at the forefront of your mind.

    There are practical things you can do to get through a time of bereavement or loss:

    Express yourself. Talking is often a good way to soothe painful emotions. Talking to a friend, family member, health professional or counsellor can begin the healing process.

    Allow yourself to feel sad. It's a healthy part of the grieving process. 

    Keep your routine up.  Keeping up simple things like doing the housework can help.

    Sleep. Emotional strain can make you very tired. If you're having trouble sleeping, see your GP.

    Eat healthily. A healthy, well-balanced diet will help you cope.

    Avoid things that "numb" the pain, such as alcohol. It will make you feel worse once the numbness wears off.

    Go to counselling if it feels right for you. Counselling may be more useful after a couple of weeks or months. Only you will know when you're ready.

    If you feel that you may be an immediate danger to yourself, please call 999 or go to your local hospital right away. 

    Senior online community officer
  • thespicemanthespiceman Member Posts: 6,408 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @lejo   Sorry what you are going through. We are here anytime you wish to.  Listen, have a chat, talk about anything.  

    I live on my own and use this forum to help myself every day.

    I can understand how difficult the days are.

    One suggestion I have as well the excellent advice @Sam_Scope has given to you.

    Speak to CRUSE this is a bereavement charity. I used them myself . Had friends who passed away from addiction issues.

    Some thing to consider it does help.

    Helpline 0808 808 1677

    Monday to Friday 9.30am to 5pm.

    Please keep in touch.

    Take care.

    Community Champion
    SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
    Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
    Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
  • Milly123Milly123 Member Posts: 34 Connected
    Hi lejo. I'm so sorry to hear about you loosing your husband 3 years ago. I also lost my husband 14 years ago now. He was only 53yrs old. I can emphasise with what you are going through, I remember it like it was just yesterday.
     Like you, I married young, on my 17th birthday and my husband was 19. We were married for 33 years and we had 3 children. Two had left home and my youngest son of 19yrs still lived at home when my husband died. They were all there with me when their dad died in hospital.
    I felt so lost and lonely without him, he was my soul mate, my rock. All my kids took it hard, even though we had known for 3 years that he was terminally ill and would only have 3-5yrs left to live, it was still a terrible shock when he died.
     I remember feeling like you do now and thinking what's the point in me still being here. I was angry at my husband for leaving me behind and so very sad at the same time. Then I thought of when I lost both my mum and dad. I was grown up and the first thing I thought was that I was an orphan now, I felt so lost and depressed without them around. Then I knew, I had to carry on for my kids sake, even though they were grown up, they had already lost their dad, I couldn't be selfish and have them loose their mum too.
     You have got four lovely boys that have lost their dad, please, please don't let them loose you too. Stay strong, you have been alone for 3yrs so you are already a strong person. You are doing ok, take one day at a time. Your husband wouldn't  want you to be miserable all the time, he would want you to enjoy the rest of your life.
     Talk about your husband often, keep his memory alive. Focus on all the good times you had in the 47yrs you were married. 
    I still keep my husband's memory alive and talk about him often. I still miss him every day, but it does get easier as time goes by. I'm a firm believer that we will meet up with our loved ones again one day and this helps me to cope.
    One day, I decided to take my courage in both hands and I went out and joined a gym that had a swimming pool. I used to swim three or four times a week and I met some nice ladies and one who became a dear friend to me. We went swimming, shopping and had coffee mornings together. My life had some meaning to me again at last. My health became better, my arthritis was a lot easier due to swimming, the sauna and Jacuzzi at the gym. I lost weight because of all the swimming which also helped with my arthritis, my joints were a lot easier. Also, I was sleeping better too. It was the best thing I ever did that day. Maybe you could do something similar and it could help with your arthritis, pass some time and meet some new friends too. 
    Fast forward to now. I've had a new partner in my life for the last 11yrs who looks after me. We are busy making new memories together and I'm happy again. My husband would be so proud of me and how I coped after losing him. Not a day goes by when I don't think of him and I'll always love and miss him. The thing he most wanted was for me to meet someone else after he was gone. It was the last thing on my mind. I loved him, I didnt want anybody else. But in time, I did meet another man, we had so much in common and got along so well. My husband and he would have got along great together. My partner knows everything I went through and we often talk about my late husband together. 
    You too lejo will get through this awful time and make a new life for yourself. You have to stay strong for yourself and your four lovely sons. And of course you have your three lovely Chihuahuas, Ruby, Betty and Blossom to take care of which will keep you busy. 
    Take care of yourself lejo. You will get a lot of support on this site if you just want a chat. x

  • lejolejo Member Posts: 8 Listener
    Thank you so much just reading this has cheered me up xxx
  • Milly123Milly123 Member Posts: 34 Connected
    Glad I have cheered you up a bit lejo. I just wanted to let you know that I totally know what you are going through from my own very similar experience. And there is light at the end of the tunnel. I soon realised that help wasn't coming to me and that I would have to get myself out there to find it. It took a lot of courage for me to walk into that gym and sign up for a year. As I had paid for the year, I wanted to get my monies worth so I used the pool, sauna and Jacuzzi 3 to 4 times a week. Then after swimming, we all met up in the cafe that was inside the gym for a coffee. A lot of ladies tended to use the pools during the day when it's nice and quiet. I met ladies that were widowed like myself that were also lonely. I soon had many friends that I could call on if I was feeling low. I never had many friends when I was married as I was with my best friend (My husband) and we were always together. I didn't need any other friends which was my downfall after he died. I only had my kids who all had their own lives. I was very lonely like you are. For me it was literally sink or swim.......I decided to swim. Honestly, It was the best thing I have ever done. Take care lejo x
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