Child's behaviour

Hi Kirstie

It sounds like a very difficult situation for you both. There is some very good advice on the site @April2018mom gave to you.

From experience once your daughter kicks off there is very little you can do, she is still young and will not have very good communication skills to be able to communicate what is upsetting her. I often compare these melt downs in my daughter as her trying to regain some control over her life. One thing I did a lot was to send her to her bedroom until she calmed down. As she got older she learned to take herself to her room when things got too much and before things got out of hand.

Keeping a diary is one of the key ways in helping to identify what is triggering these outbursts. Whilst it is possible that these things can build up in her at this age she is probably reacting immediately to something. The other thing I noticed is that her condition is co-morbid with ADHD and epilepsy. If she is on medication it may be worth discussing with the paediatrician to see if this could be a possible source of the current issues. I know of one case where a child with ASD and epilepsy was mute until they changed her medication for epilepsy after a short period she was a regular chatter box. Do not make any changes to medication without consulting your doctor or paediatrician, this can be more dangerous. (sorry not aimed at you in particular but have known parents to do this.)

While your daughter's behaviour is obviously of immediate concern please don't forget to look after your own physical and mental welfare.  I get a sense from your post that this is already dragging you down and this will impact on both. So while you may not agree lets get some things out of the way. 

First you are not a bad mum or a failure, in any sense. Very young aspies can be very challenging for any family without the additional challenges of ADHD and epilepsy.

Second while I agree the needs of children come first, sometimes putting the needs of the parents first is putting first is putting the needs of the child first. If the parent is constantly in pain, run down and not getting much sleep, first they will not be at their best and second their children will pick up on this, usually in a negative way.

Third don't take what your daughter says too seriously, or personally. She probably has much control over what she is saying and doing as you have in controlling her behaviour while she is having a melt down. I am often shocked how some parents internalise what is happening as something aimed directly at them and how this affects their parenting, yet even knowing this it is a trap I fell into. I have found the more relaxed we remain the easier it is for our daughter to get through stressful times at home.

May I ask if your daughter is in mainstream schooling?  If so is this behaviour being observed by the school?

Having spent my childhood in a SEN school I am a huge fan of these type of schools, especially for autism. Having worked as a temporary teaching assistant in a number of such schools I was always been surprised how well the children do. My daughter was in mainstream as she seemed to cope, at least academically. I recently said something that triggered her and the venom and hatred she expressed shocked me. 

One reason I am such a big fan is they often provide opportunities for experiences which would not be available in mainstream schools, and access to specialists.