Angry people, small vs. big problems, how to react?

66Mustang · November 2020

Sorry, I couldn’t think of an appropriate title!

This might be one for the Room 101 thread but I thought I would give it its own thread as it might provoke some good discussion.

I have a couple of close family members who get unhappy very easily. Life has to be going perfectly for them to be happy, otherwise, they get angry.

Furthermore, when these people are unhappy, they don’t just keep it to themselves and/or hide it from others; they take it out on everybody else. In other words, they become angry, mean, rude etc.

I don’t like to blow my own trumpet but I am well known in the family for never getting angry - or at least, I may get angry, but for never showing my anger.

However it does annoy me that I have a “proper” problem that I could easily get angry about, yet I never take this out on others - I am always nice to people. However, when somebody else has a small problem they do get angry and take it out on others.

I lost most of my childhood and younger adult years to illness yet I am nice to everyone. Conversely, the people I mentioned have relatively normal lives, and got to do all the things they wanted to do, etc., but they can have an insignificant problem like they can’t find their toothbrush or their phone has ran out of power, and they act as if the world is about to end and it is everybody’s fault.

Although I don’t get easily annoyed or angry, this does annoy me.

I thought a disability forum would be a good place to share this as most of us here have a “big problem” yet people here seem to just get on with life.

How do you deal with people who are always moaning about the little things when you have a big problem that you could easily moan about but don’t?

My other issue is that, because I come across as happy and bubbly, what this does it it makes people think life is easy for me when in reality it isn’t. Should I/we start being angry, abusive, etc., to let people know that I/we have problems?!

I don’t think I ever would but it is worth thinking about.

What are your thoughts?

Oxonlady · November 2020

Hi @66Mustang, I know exactly what you mean!
I have a close relative who used to come and see me, often in a bad /angry mood. After tolerating this for several years, a few months ago I had to do some straight talking. I said "you do not come to my house and shout at me!" I said this very calmly but firmly. Since then, I remain very calm when he visits and try to ignore any manic behaviour. Occasionally I will comment but I don't think he would listen if I also got angry. I find that it is imperative to stay calm and serene and not react in the same way that thoughtless people do. Hopefully they'll get the message that they can't infect others with their anger, selfishness, pettiness or unpleasantness!

janer1967 · November 2020

I gave found some people are just not happy unless they have something to moan about or get angry about it's just their nature

I think people like us who have many real problems tend to just hide behind a smile or make the most of what they have and realise others are lots worse off

It would be nice if they could just spend a week in one of our shoes

There is no need for anyone to get abusive in any situation it doesn't get them anywhere

woodbine · November 2020

I think the phrase I would use is that "some people don't know they are born", I tend to ignore people (inc family) who blow hot and cold they get right on my bust ends.

leeCal · November 2020

I treat the sounds of someone moaning or complaining or ranting as extraneous noise...mostly. I realised some time ago after studying Buddhism for a while that actually I had a choice about such things, so I tune out, simple. As the old saying goes ‘it takes two to tango’ and if I don’t engage then there’s no dance. I do have the occasional off day when I will engage but mostly these days I control the ultimate internal effects of such behaviour.

Geoark · November 2020

I have found these type of people very helpful in the past. Having the person in front of me in a queue when I need to try and sort something out very helpful. Nothing like the person who you need to help you get a 10 to 30 minutes abuse and spending a few moments asking if they are okay, showing a little empathy and being polite in your request. On more than one occasion when the answer was not what I was expecting I thanked them for their time. Can I wait for a moment while they speak to their manager, and either the problem is sorted or I am signposted to some one else who may be able to assist.

I think part of the problem is some people believe that they must be abusive to either get what they want or to be heard. I can be tolerant of this type of behaviour, but there are times I will not especially when I believe it could have a knock on effect for others. My favourite was someone living on the same estate as me who was extremely abusive and poked me with his finger and told me he knew where I lived. I just couldn't stop laughing which made him stop. As I pointed out I also knew where he lived as we were practically neighbours. I didn't find out until afterwards he had a reputation and was well known to the police. However after that he did treat me with respect and if he needed something or had a problem asked if I would be able to help him. Never did figure why the change in attitude.

66Mustang · November 2020

Thanks for the posts. Some really interesting points and I appreciate everyone taking the time to reply.

I do try to see things from the angry person’s point of view. This person used to be really good fun to be with but now is getting older but still has a “young mind” and their body can’t do what they want it to do. This frustrates them. I have some sympathy.

However, that said, I can’t do what I want to do either but I don’t take it out on others so find it hard to have sympathy for their anger.

Thanks again for the interesting points of view.

Angry people, small vs. big problems, how to react?

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