Dealing with depressive tendencies and multiple learning disabilities

JennieApple38 · May 2021

I have been doing a lot of new roles at a new job recently. I am incredibly fortunate because I got the position I want after applying as a disabled woman. I listed it as other because when I applied I have some nerve damage from whip lash and head and neck injury almost 20 years ago as a young woman. This is completely new for me as I have not had a job that fits me based on my skills and education in about 20 years before my accident. I just go through periods where I can not believe how much I can handle but due to the depressive tendencies I question if maybe they will notice some of the difficulties I have typing and with my conditions and not want to keep me next year. I just question you know how long I will be successful and I know it is not really healthy. It is like the adjustment to being fully responsible and fully capable and I still have hangups about my past. I get frustrated thinking about how long it took me to get here. It was mainly just getting my education and basically they had a major shortage finding people because of covid. I always wish I could have experienced these feelings of responsibility and control over my body from the late twenties until now but somehow it took me that long to go for what I want to do instead of hiding. Has anyone had such a transition from not needing to work to choosing work and getting treated well but still feeling unsure? I know I have the brains and I know I got over a lot of the problems from before (I used to have serious balance and speech issues). I have some anxiety which I just deal with by using meditation, prayer, journaling because medication did not work for me. Thanks and hope to hear your thoughts!

Sandy_123 · May 2021

Hi @JennieApple38 good morning, do you have regular progress meetings with your mangers? If you do these are good at seeing how well you are doing within your job, if not could you request one? I'm sure your doing perfectly well, sometimes its nice to be acknowledged at work.

Cher_Alumni · May 2021

Hi @JennieApple38 and thank you for sharing those thoughts with us.

I can relate to much of what you've said in that my working life hasn't been linear either. I have a chronic illness that flared up from my late teens to my late twenties meaning I didn't follow the path I'd had in mind for my education or career either. This time of being out of what was routine for my peers led to much self doubt and I think that your inner voice might be creeping in with similar fears around things being 'too good to be true' now and anticipating things going wrong? These feelings, although absolutely understandable, aren't a reality though and I'm sure your employers are impressed with how you're doing. You got the job on your personal merit and it sounds to me like you're a real asset

I think over time your confidence will begin to increase and these wobbles, when they come, will diminish and pass.

The coping techniques of journaling, meditation and prayer sound really useful in combatting your anxious thoughts. Do you feel like they are enough or would speaking with your GP about it some more help? I find listening to podcasts, walking and mindfulness really helpful for clearing my mind, ooh and colouring too! It's definitely personal to each of us what helps.

I hope you have a lovely rest of this bank holiday weekend and also wanted to reassure you, you definitely aren't alone in feeling this way. We are here whenever you need us or fancy a chat, vent or rant

Take care and speak soon.

Caz_Alumni · May 2021

Thanks for your post @JennieApple38. I think that you've raised a really good point about how lots of us can sometimes feel unsure about things. I know I'm still feeling a bit that way as a fairly new member of the online community team!

I suppose that can be a big part of how we feel we take on something new. Like you say, you've taken on a lot of new roles in your new job recently. That can be a big step, depending on how confident you feel about doing the tasks associated with those roles. How are you getting on now though? Are things starting to settle down a bit for you?

Also, have you ever heard of impostor syndrome?

Impostor syndrome (IS) refers to an internal experience of believing that you are not as competent as others perceive you to be. While this definition is usually narrowly applied to intelligence and achievement, it has links to perfectionism and the social context.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that's the case for you JennieApple38. Just to say that some of the things you're describing can be quite a common phenomenon. Does that make sense? Or am I speaking out of turn? Anyway, it sounds like you're doing all the right things to help. In particular, keeping a journal is a really good idea. Have you found that has helped you to reflect on how you've been feeling about what's been going on at work for you at all?

JennieApple38 · May 2021

All of this is great to know that I am not alone. Being that the field is Education, the lead people do not tell me how I am doing. Only the Secretary who seems to really like me. I am told not to ask for too much because I am still new. They respond in times of covid as this is Canada I live in. I find that I do not know what ideally they want from me because of so many laws and rules. For example, I am to report right away when a pupil is cursing and there is a safety issue. They showed up virtually in our google meet right away!!! Her and the Principal. But when I asked for a brief meeting to check in, not an emergency, no answer. So I feel it is a little like you can never tell what they are thinking. I have had a hisotry of caring too much what other people think of me due to some of my learning disabilities and obviously the depressive symptoms. I think if I had a magic wand, I would want to have more mature professional judgement. I do not hide anything. If anything I am outspoken because I am Jewish.

JennieApple38 · May 2021

So I guess by seeing the ideas here, I have narrowed the problem down to understanding what is considered really good professional judgement when it comes to managing disruptions. I have had students call me blind before as I wear transition lenses. It is so funny because I have a good intellect but my eyes are sensitive to light and I just found out my eyes are improving. After investing in the lenses for now all these years it is paying off! I am very put off and I am aware I should not say anything but the one student in the school was given a recognition! I think they are rewarding bad behaviours. I have so many opinions of what is right and wrong but since I like to be honest, it may not get me that far with the company culture I wonder. Since it is covid, I am aware of the fact that many are sick and they have not been able to show up, so I am on the roster but wonder where it will lead. I know I am doing a great job, I just think if people figure out my honesty gets in the way, or my judgement is not deemed acceptable, then what do I do to improve? That was why I wanted to check in. Maybe the Vice Principal is not interested in offering me feedback just yet.

Cher_Alumni · May 2021

Hi @JennieApple38

Ah, you live in Canada! Lucky you

That's a place I'd love to visit one day. It's good to hear you are confident in expressing your thoughts and I'd recommend chasing up that check-in with your Vice Principal or manager to speak more about your role and the underlying fears that you have.

I'm not sure if you can access this webpage over where you are, but if you can take a look at this Worry Tree. It's a flow chart to refer to when you begin to ruminate on worries (for instance on what others think), and it's good for breaking the habit of dwelling on concerns.

Please let us know how you get on and have a lovely remainder of the weekend.

JennieApple38 · May 2021

Note from moderator: this post contains unverified claims regarding vaccines inc. COVID-19 vaccines. Please refer to official government/NHS literature in the following post for clinically substantiated information.

I posted this on here once before but I am working on a book. I am a survivor in the states, so I am born an American and moved to Canada when I was 30 years old. I thought no one would believe me when I started writing it but now I know people will believe me. I can not have anymore innoculations because they caused too much damages. When I was a baby I had scarlet fever. So I am prone to rheumatism. Then when I was 2-11 I had too many innoculations that were bad. This was all in the USA. I later sued my government twice and won. That was where the story got really interesting because I had to do it where people do not want me to go around speaking out too much.
I am so tired of people saying reactions to vaccines are rare. We just do not need them. I am not trying to say I am anti vaccine, I am trying to tell my friends there are things that can happen that are hard to undo. I spent about 12,000 with various holistic people to undo half of what I went through. Then I went through about 13 years of therapy. This is the life I have been given.

Now, the school wants to give everyone these vaccines. They arrived with security in the office. She knows I told her I applied with a typing restriction because one of my arms has nerve damage. I did not say how I got it! I do not want to let the cat out of the bag and give my story away to people because I want to sell my book. That is what I feel. Only one coworker I trust as having good judgement says "some people can't have vaccines and react, so they can not force you to take it". Oh if only it were so simple. We do not know what these vaccines are made of!!! No one wants to say they are not complete vaccines. When I was in the states, I needed a tetanus booster at age 25. After I had the shot, my body shut down. It was the bottom of the bottle, had too much **** in it. So when I finally got over that sickness, 3 months later, I lost the use of my arm for what I used to do with it. I was rendered unable to drive and if I sit in a car for too long, my legs fall asleep. I was in a country that mandated vaccines in order to enroll in University. I hope things have changed since then for many in the world. Not trying to get pity, just saying, none of the disabilities were from birth. People speak to me sometimes and assume I was born with them. Absolutely unfair. But I am proud of myself and I will continue to advocate for people who are disabled. So the bottom line right now is I want to tell her I am not getting vaccinated but do not want to be viewed as going against my role or my oath.

Cher_Alumni · May 2021

Hi @JennieApple38

Thanks for your post and I’m sorry to hear about your past experiences. The things we go through in life understandably shape our worldviews and you are very much entitled to express your opinion.

Nevertheless, as an online community, we have a responsibility to ensure that all information presented is factually correct and backed by reliable sources. Therefore, I would ask that you consider this when constructing new posts, and most importantly abide by our house rules which state:

Please be careful about sharing information.

Always check that information is correct and appropriate.

Do not present opinions as facts.

Share reputable sources of information.

Also, just to pick up on a few points you raise, this University of Oxford resource outlines how vaccines are tested, licensed and monitored before being approved. As you will see, it is a scientifically robust process which has multiple stages to assess vaccine efficacy and safety to ensure, “that for most people, the product’s advantages far outweigh the disadvantages.”.

As a result of this clinical framework, the incidence of reactions to vaccine is rare overall. However, as this NHS webpage outlines, there are some groups who vaccines may not be suitable for – namely:

People who've had a serious allergic reaction (anaphylaxis) to a previous dose of the vaccine

People who've had a serious allergic reaction to ingredients in the vaccine

People with weakened immune systems (for example, because of cancer treatment or a health condition) may also not be able to have some vaccines.

Therefore, anyone in doubt should always check with a GP, practice nurse, health visitor or pharmacist.

You also mentioned, “We do not know what these vaccines are made of!!!” which isn’t factually correct. The ingredients of all vaccines are published in accompanying information leaflets and online; with the ingredients of all covid-19 vaccines accessible via these government websites:

Lastly, in the UK we have a yellow card system for reporting reactions to vaccines and you may have something similar in practice in Canada. I hope you reported your reaction to the Tetanus jab at the time and received good medical care. It is important however to reassure all our members that the tetanus vaccine, normally given as a 3 in 1 teenage booster, is considered a very safe vaccine. And anyone concerned should refer to this NHS’ online information or consult with their GP.

Many thanks.

Dealing with depressive tendencies and multiple learning disabilities

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