Hi, my name is Ian1951!

Ian1951
Ian1951 Community Member Posts: 16 Connected
in Start here and say hello!
My wife recently passed away, she was disabled and I spent many years caring for her. Now she's passed, not only do I miss her, but I also feel useless with no one to care for any more.

Comments

  • Jimm_Alumni
    Jimm_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 5,713 Championing
    Hi @Ian1951, welcome the our community. I'm sorry to hear about your wife passing away. It can be very difficult to process and adapt from someone who is such a large part of our life passing away. 

    If you'd like to continue caring for people, there are often many local organisations that are happy to take on volunteers. I know my local library runs a volunteer group who will take books to people who cannot leave their homes, and even read to them.

    As @Beaver79 mentions, there are many hobbies you can take up if caring is something you'd rather not keep doing. It is up to you to think about what you enjoy and what makes you live a more fulfilling life.

    If you are still struggling with her passing, have you tried bereavement support?

    I hope you're doing okay, we're here to chat and talk about things :)
  • Ian1951
    Ian1951 Community Member Posts: 16 Connected
    Thank you all for your very kind words and advice.
    To answer some of your questions. We only moved into our present address in Forres two weeks before Christmas, it was designed and built for disabilities, and we were full of plans and hopes for the future. However, my lovely wife was rushed into hospital on Boxing day and never came home again. I don't know anyone here and we have no other family at all. I always did the house keeping, cooking etc; but since my wife passed I haven't done a thing and live on sandwiches. I just can't be bothered to cook for myself. I'm not looking for sympathy, just to make friends.
    Thanks again
    Ian
  • Sandy_123
    Sandy_123 Scope Member Posts: 63,201 Championing
    Hi @ian1951 welcome from me too. I'm sorry to read about your situation. I think volunteering in your community will be a good way of meeting people in your area. Also if your on fb join the local groups in your area, they do coffee mornings, walks and all sorts of things. 
  • Ian1951
    Ian1951 Community Member Posts: 16 Connected
    Thank you, I shall see what I can find out
  • chiarieds
    chiarieds Community Member Posts: 17,440 Championing
    Hi Ian - my understanding is that when you've cared for someone so much, there's not only a big gap emotionally & psychologically, but you have so much time on your hands. You won't have thought about it when you were caring for your lovely wife, but then, & I think when something happens suddenly it hits you rather badly, you realise how much time you spent caring & you just don't know what to do with yourself. 
    My first suggestion, as both Beaver & Sandy have mentioned, would be to go for a walk; it will do you good to get out of the house, & hopefully, weather permitting, you'll begin to get to know your new neighbours. Mine got me involved with gardening, & I got tips on how to grow tomatoes! Are you interested in gardening, which is possible even if just using containers?
    You mention that you know how to cook, which is great. So enough of sandwiches, &, altho it's difficult to start again & cook for one, there's nothing the matter with cooking 2 portions of some foods & popping the other in the fridge for another day, or in the freezer. You can always go out for a meal too. You do need to look out for yourself, which I'm sure your wife would want.
    Perhaps also check out your council's website, as they may not only show volunteering opportunities, but also social events.
    Lastly, this is an enormously friendly & supportive community, so I look forward to hearing how you're getting on.
  • Jimm_Alumni
    Jimm_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 5,713 Championing
    Hey @Ian1951, I hope you're doing alright. You'll always be welcome to chat here :) There is always our ongoing "How is your day going?" discussion that you can always pop in to chat.

    I agree with others here, just getting out can be good. I've always found walks good for mental processing. As well as being a possibility for volunteering, local groups can be great for finding people to chat with. To help share stories and feelings. I often find that chatting with people can also help me move on.
  • Ian1951
    Ian1951 Community Member Posts: 16 Connected
    I'd love to be able to go for a walk, however 1/. I live in the North East of Scotland and just lately it's either been snowing, raining, high winds and at times all of them at once! 2/. I have difficulties walking too far. 3/. I'm still missing my wonderful wife  and find it hard to talk without bursting into tears (sounds pathetic from a 17 stone 6 foot 1 bloke, doesn't it? However it's the truth, judge me as you will.
  • Jimm_Alumni
    Jimm_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 5,713 Championing
    Ah well, having lived on the West Coast I can understand not being able to walk this time of year @Ian1951! 

    As Beaver says, no judgement here, we're all here for support and to support each other.

    Have you contacted your GP about this at all? I know it's very hard to talk about these things, but there are services on the NHS which can help with bereavement.

    If you aren't sure about talking to someone still there are some self-help guides that the NHS has, I hope maybe at least they might help: Bereavement and grief self-help guide | NHS inform

  • Ian1951
    Ian1951 Community Member Posts: 16 Connected
    Thank you
  • Ian1951
    Ian1951 Community Member Posts: 16 Connected
    Thank you for your deeply understanding reply. At present I can't see a  future without 'my other half' she filled my life with love, happiness, understanding and beauty and I miss her much more than  words could ever say.
    As for getting a pet, well we've always had dogs, but as my wife  became more disabled and our old dog died, having another one wasn't an option. At present it wouldn't be fair to get another dog, they need attention etc; and at present I couldn't offer that.
    Yes, you're bang on the money with your comment about, if love could have kept them alive, then they would have lived forever. I would have given anything, still would, to have my wonderful wife back with me.
    Thank  you for your support.
  • Ian1951
    Ian1951 Community Member Posts: 16 Connected
    Hi
    About the best I can say is that  I'm still alive. Nothing gets any easier and time seems to go backwards these days. Oh well, that's life I guess.
    Thanks for your concern.
    Ian
  • Ian1951
    Ian1951 Community Member Posts: 16 Connected
    Thank you. Each day comes as a curse, but I stumble through them. I just hope you're coping alright and the pain isn't too bad?
    Ian
  • Ian1951
    Ian1951 Community Member Posts: 16 Connected
    Hi
    Thank you so much for your heartfelt reply, and please allow me to offer my condolences to you for your sad loss. It seems we both went along the same path with our partners. We were married for fifty two years and Linda and I were more than husband and wife, we were soul mates in every respect. Also a kidney stone killed my wife! It seems it had been growing and migrating through her organs for ten years without us knowing about it. Like your poor husband, it caused a lung infection and she passed away before surgery could be performed.
    I survive on cheese and pickle sandwiches at present and have neither the interest or energy to cook. Perhaps this will change in time, I don't know, but at present it does me. I honestly feel like my wife took the real me with her and now all that's left is an empty shell.
    You sound like a very brave lady to me and I admire you for surviving as you have done. I truly wish you luck and hope your pain continues to go. Please take care and thanks again for your concern.
    Ian 

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