Hi, my name is Ian1951! — Scope | Disability forum
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Hi, my name is Ian1951!

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Ian1951
Ian1951 Community member Posts: 16 Connected
My wife recently passed away, she was disabled and I spent many years caring for her. Now she's passed, not only do I miss her, but I also feel useless with no one to care for any more.

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  • Beaver79
    Beaver79 Community member, Community Co-Production Group, Scope Member Posts: 20,260 Disability Gamechanger
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    Hello @Ian1951 Welcome to the Community. I am so sorry for your loss. I think when you have been caring for someone for many years and they pass away not only do you miss them you loose your purpose. It will take some time for you to come to terms with this. Do you have any hobbies or family and friends that you can start going out with. Even if it starts with a short walk. Would you like to do some further studying or join a day class. I do not know if you are retired but my mum goes to a couple of  U3A  classes. Most areas have them. They do lots of different classes. Have a look around and join in on the forum when you are ready. If you have any questions please ask. Take care.
  • Jimm_Scope
    Jimm_Scope Posts: 2,705 Scope online community team
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    Hi @Ian1951, welcome the our community. I'm sorry to hear about your wife passing away. It can be very difficult to process and adapt from someone who is such a large part of our life passing away. 

    If you'd like to continue caring for people, there are often many local organisations that are happy to take on volunteers. I know my local library runs a volunteer group who will take books to people who cannot leave their homes, and even read to them.

    As @Beaver79 mentions, there are many hobbies you can take up if caring is something you'd rather not keep doing. It is up to you to think about what you enjoy and what makes you live a more fulfilling life.

    If you are still struggling with her passing, have you tried bereavement support?

    I hope you're doing okay, we're here to chat and talk about things :)
    They/Them, however they are no wrong pronouns with me so whatever you feel most comfortable with
    Online Community Specialist

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    Opinions are my own, such as mashed potato being bad.
  • Ada
    Ada Scope Member Posts: 14,288 Disability Gamechanger
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    It’s a very warm welcome from me 
    sending hugs 🤗 
  • Ian1951
    Ian1951 Community member Posts: 16 Connected
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    Thank you all for your very kind words and advice.
    To answer some of your questions. We only moved into our present address in Forres two weeks before Christmas, it was designed and built for disabilities, and we were full of plans and hopes for the future. However, my lovely wife was rushed into hospital on Boxing day and never came home again. I don't know anyone here and we have no other family at all. I always did the house keeping, cooking etc; but since my wife passed I haven't done a thing and live on sandwiches. I just can't be bothered to cook for myself. I'm not looking for sympathy, just to make friends.
    Thanks again
    Ian
  • Sandy_123
    Sandy_123 Scope Member Posts: 50,638 Disability Gamechanger
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    Hi @ian1951 welcome from me too. I'm sorry to read about your situation. I think volunteering in your community will be a good way of meeting people in your area. Also if your on fb join the local groups in your area, they do coffee mornings, walks and all sorts of things. 
  • Ian1951
    Ian1951 Community member Posts: 16 Connected
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    Thank you, I shall see what I can find out
  • chiarieds
    chiarieds Community member Posts: 16,103 Disability Gamechanger
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    Hi Ian - my understanding is that when you've cared for someone so much, there's not only a big gap emotionally & psychologically, but you have so much time on your hands. You won't have thought about it when you were caring for your lovely wife, but then, & I think when something happens suddenly it hits you rather badly, you realise how much time you spent caring & you just don't know what to do with yourself. 
    My first suggestion, as both Beaver & Sandy have mentioned, would be to go for a walk; it will do you good to get out of the house, & hopefully, weather permitting, you'll begin to get to know your new neighbours. Mine got me involved with gardening, & I got tips on how to grow tomatoes! Are you interested in gardening, which is possible even if just using containers?
    You mention that you know how to cook, which is great. So enough of sandwiches, &, altho it's difficult to start again & cook for one, there's nothing the matter with cooking 2 portions of some foods & popping the other in the fridge for another day, or in the freezer. You can always go out for a meal too. You do need to look out for yourself, which I'm sure your wife would want.
    Perhaps also check out your council's website, as they may not only show volunteering opportunities, but also social events.
    Lastly, this is an enormously friendly & supportive community, so I look forward to hearing how you're getting on.
  • Jimm_Scope
    Jimm_Scope Posts: 2,705 Scope online community team
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    Hey @Ian1951, I hope you're doing alright. You'll always be welcome to chat here :) There is always our ongoing "How is your day going?" discussion that you can always pop in to chat.

    I agree with others here, just getting out can be good. I've always found walks good for mental processing. As well as being a possibility for volunteering, local groups can be great for finding people to chat with. To help share stories and feelings. I often find that chatting with people can also help me move on.
    They/Them, however they are no wrong pronouns with me so whatever you feel most comfortable with
    Online Community Specialist

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    Opinions are my own, such as mashed potato being bad.
  • Ian1951
    Ian1951 Community member Posts: 16 Connected
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    I'd love to be able to go for a walk, however 1/. I live in the North East of Scotland and just lately it's either been snowing, raining, high winds and at times all of them at once! 2/. I have difficulties walking too far. 3/. I'm still missing my wonderful wife  and find it hard to talk without bursting into tears (sounds pathetic from a 17 stone 6 foot 1 bloke, doesn't it? However it's the truth, judge me as you will.
  • Beaver79
    Beaver79 Community member, Community Co-Production Group, Scope Member Posts: 20,260 Disability Gamechanger
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    Hi @Ian1951 We do not judge anyone on the forum. Grief affects us all differently. Take care.
  • Jimm_Scope
    Jimm_Scope Posts: 2,705 Scope online community team
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    Ah well, having lived on the West Coast I can understand not being able to walk this time of year @Ian1951

    As Beaver says, no judgement here, we're all here for support and to support each other.

    Have you contacted your GP about this at all? I know it's very hard to talk about these things, but there are services on the NHS which can help with bereavement.

    If you aren't sure about talking to someone still there are some self-help guides that the NHS has, I hope maybe at least they might help: Bereavement and grief self-help guide | NHS inform

    They/Them, however they are no wrong pronouns with me so whatever you feel most comfortable with
    Online Community Specialist

    Concerned about another member's safety or wellbeing? Flag your concerns with us. 
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    Opinions are my own, such as mashed potato being bad.
  • Ian1951
    Ian1951 Community member Posts: 16 Connected
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  • MW123
    MW123 Scope Member Posts: 473 Pioneering
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    @Ian1951

    Ian you are not alone you have friends here now, and our virtual door is always open. 

    Although I may not fully comprehend the depth of your grief,  I recognise that grief is a deeply personal journey for each individual. The significant and life-altering nature of the loss of your wife, compounded by the timing of relocating to a new area. It must be particularly difficult to find yourself suddenly isolated, with new neighbours whom you and your wife had not yet had the opportunity to acquaint yourselves with, especially amidst long, dark, cold days and adverse weather. 

    I understand that everything still feels incredibly raw for you right now, it has only been a few weeks since your loss. Reflecting on my own experience, it's been four and a half years since I lost my husband, and I still think about him and miss him every single day. Grief follows its own timeline, and it's perfectly okay to take things one day at a time. 

    As time progresses, you'll gradually establish a new routine and find yourself reconnecting with the world around you. With the arrival of longer days and warmer weather, you may feel more inclined to reach out to your neighbours and explore the community further.  There may be another lonely soul living near to you who would welcome your companionship and help with little jobs. 

    Have you considered fostering or adopting a dog or a cat? They can be wonderful companions and provide a sense of comfort and joy during difficult times. There's likely a lonely animal out there just waiting for someone like you to provide them with love and care. 

    Reading your story, I couldn't help but notice that we share one thing in common, if love could have kept our spouses alive, they would have lived forever. Love MW x


  • Ian1951
    Ian1951 Community member Posts: 16 Connected
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    Thank you for your deeply understanding reply. At present I can't see a  future without 'my other half' she filled my life with love, happiness, understanding and beauty and I miss her much more than  words could ever say.
    As for getting a pet, well we've always had dogs, but as my wife  became more disabled and our old dog died, having another one wasn't an option. At present it wouldn't be fair to get another dog, they need attention etc; and at present I couldn't offer that.
    Yes, you're bang on the money with your comment about, if love could have kept them alive, then they would have lived forever. I would have given anything, still would, to have my wonderful wife back with me.
    Thank  you for your support.
  • MW123
    MW123 Scope Member Posts: 473 Pioneering
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    @Ian1951

    Hi Ian, I just wanted to touch base after hearing about the snow where you are. I hope you're managing okay and staying warm amidst everything. Please remember to take care of yourself. Regards MW
  • Ian1951
    Ian1951 Community member Posts: 16 Connected
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    Hi
    About the best I can say is that  I'm still alive. Nothing gets any easier and time seems to go backwards these days. Oh well, that's life I guess.
    Thanks for your concern.
    Ian
  • MW123
    MW123 Scope Member Posts: 473 Pioneering
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    Good to hear from you Ian.  It may feel like time is moving backward and there's little light at the end of the tunnel right now. However, despite the challenges, you're continuing to navigate through each day, and that resilience is truly commendable. Regards MW

  • Ian1951
    Ian1951 Community member Posts: 16 Connected
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    Thank you. Each day comes as a curse, but I stumble through them. I just hope you're coping alright and the pain isn't too bad?
    Ian
  • MW123
    MW123 Scope Member Posts: 473 Pioneering
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    @Ian1951

    Over time, I  have got used to being alone and settled into my new life and routine. My husband and I were together since we were 16, enjoying 43 years together. His death happened quickly. He was diagnosed with a brain tumour, and within six weeks, he passed away. It was a huge shock to find out about his illness. Sadly, he didn't even make it to the planned operation because he died of pneumonia before it could happen. It was a really tough and upsetting time for me. 

    When I read your first post, I saw parts of myself in you, especially in your reluctance to cook meals. It brought back memories of my own challenges. After my husband's passing, I survived for three months on snacks like biscuits, chocolate, and lots of tea, I just couldn't bring myself to cook. As a result, I lost a lot of weight, dropping from nine and a half stone to seven. That's why I reached out to you again , to check on you and to reassure you that things will get better, even though it may seem tough right now. Remember to take care of yourself. Regards MW

     


  • Ian1951
    Ian1951 Community member Posts: 16 Connected
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    Hi
    Thank you so much for your heartfelt reply, and please allow me to offer my condolences to you for your sad loss. It seems we both went along the same path with our partners. We were married for fifty two years and Linda and I were more than husband and wife, we were soul mates in every respect. Also a kidney stone killed my wife! It seems it had been growing and migrating through her organs for ten years without us knowing about it. Like your poor husband, it caused a lung infection and she passed away before surgery could be performed.
    I survive on cheese and pickle sandwiches at present and have neither the interest or energy to cook. Perhaps this will change in time, I don't know, but at present it does me. I honestly feel like my wife took the real me with her and now all that's left is an empty shell.
    You sound like a very brave lady to me and I admire you for surviving as you have done. I truly wish you luck and hope your pain continues to go. Please take care and thanks again for your concern.
    Ian 

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