Any ideas on how to tackle this issue or has had a similar experience? — Scope | Disability forum

Any ideas on how to tackle this issue or has had a similar experience?

madacj Member Posts: 14 Connected
This discussion was created from comments split from: Hi, I'm Gill, I'm a full-time PSHE Specialist.


  • madacj
    madacj Member Posts: 14 Connected
    edited February 2017
    Hi Gill, I am a 24 year old guy with CP. I live with my parents and sister. I have come to the point in my life where I want a physical relationship. I am single and have tried online dating and after a lot of consideration I have decided I want to stay single. I also don't go to bars and clubs as I don't enjoy it.

    So this leaves with me with two options the first being to hire an escort. I am aware that this is kind of a of a grey area legally in the UK. Money isn't main issue nor am I overly worried about the sex itself. It's the practicalities of living with my parents and sister. You see my parents are my main careers and they do everything for me including things like washing and dressing managing finances and lots of stuff. The list goes on. They also both have jobs that are part time so I hardly get any privacy as they are constantly in and out of the house this means I can't have an escort at house when I'm alone.

    So awhile ago I decided to bring up the subject with my parents. This is where my biggest issue arrises. My dad is fairly open minded. And I explained what I wanted, he was shocked but he understood. My mum however is a completely different story. She is very prudish. I was nervous in the first place but I was even more nervous about talking to my mum to the point where I couldn't do it. So I wrote my mum a letter which explained how I feel and why I want what I want.

    Even though my CP doesn't affect my speech I am not very good at expressing myself especially with my parents and this subject. She read the letter and my dad said she read it and have it a lot of thought but didn't grant my request of allowing an escort into our home. I completely respect that.

    However this means I can't use my orthopaedic bed where I would be most comfortable and relaxed. It also means that I won't be able to get the money to pay an escort and also to book a room because my mum manages my finances due to practical reasons and also because I'm not very good at maths. Given her feelings on the situation it is unlikely she would be willing to draw the money out of my account for this. I could do it myself but then I would have to explain where the money had gone. Even though it's my money I would feel guilt about lying. Even if I did get to the hotel room stage I would need help from my dad to get into the hotel and on the bed and back out I again as I am unable to do this myself.

    He would also have to meet with the escort to allow her into my room whist I am ready and waiting. This isn't something i am comfortable with at all. It would be the same if I was to go down a different route of finding a friend with benefits apart from the financial aspect obviously. Whist I want to respect my parents wishes and not put anyone in a position they would feel uncomfortable in. It is my right as a human being to be able to fulfill my sexual needs. I am of sound mind and I'm perfectly entitled make this decision.

    Any other 24 year old guy would embark into a sex life with their parents knowing very little about what's going on and it frustrates me that I am in this position. I can't be the only disabled male that is in a position like this and feels the same. In fact I know I'm not the only one I once saw a documentary on tv about this issue and that's what inspired me to further explore my opportunity as they said in the documentary i don't want to have to wait till my parents are no longer here to experience this and i have a lot of sexual frustration and i don't know what to do for the best outcome without upset or embarrassment for anyone.

    I am a responsible person and know how to protect myself and any potential partner from STIs and pregnancy etc. I think from my parents point of view it is something that they don't want me to regret in the future with regards to relationships and future partners. But it is something I feel ready for. I just don't have the nerve to bring the subject up again and also be able to achieve a positive outcome. I also suffer from anxiety which is completely unrelated to me being disabled and I am perfectly happy in my own skin. I feel a sexual experience will also help combat this.

    I was wondering if you Gill or anyone else on the forum has any ideas on how to tackle this issue or has had a similar experience? I have heard rumours about advocates who can help with this sort of thing I might have got that wrong. I would like to apologise if talking about escorts has offended anyone this was not my intention and I completely understand if no one wishes to discuss it. Apologies also if it is against the rules of the forum I was not aware of this if that is the case. Thanks
  • PSHEexpert
    PSHEexpert Member Posts: 170 Pioneering

    You are absolutely right, there are indeed advocates - I'm hopeful about this! I am going to ask Emma to put us in touch privately so that I can try to support you, as I will need to ask you a few questions - hope that's okay with you. Or, if you like, please email me at [email protected]

    - Gill 
  • madacj
    madacj Member Posts: 14 Connected
    Thanks Gill, I have sent you an email as you suggested. Do look out for it. :)
  • mossycow
    mossycow Member Posts: 487 Pioneering
    Hi there,  best of luck! 
  • pand
    pand Member Posts: 1 Listener
    hi  im amanda   i have  cp  of left hand side of my body  im 27 year old   i would like to meet new  friends    i am  a lesbian i live in Selby