Paying for things....

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starbuck
starbuck Online Community Member Posts: 195 Empowering
in Families and carers

I'm in a bit of a quandry at the moment. We have two disabled adult children living with us who seem to have grown up without me noticing. Both of them have benefits in their own names.

My husband is also seriously disabled and I'm full time carer for all three.

My quandry is this - we're hopefully moving house in the next few weeks. Most of the furniture we have in this house is wrecked so will be going to the tip instead of the new house. I'm buying carpets for the new place but my husband says the adult children should be buying their own furniture for their rooms and we shouldn't foot the bill.

I'm torn. To me they are still my kids and they still live at home so I think we should buy beds, wardrobes etc but I can see my husband's point - this move is going to really stretch us financially by the time it's done and he thinks it's up to them to help as adults. 🀨

Comments

  • michael57
    michael57 Online Community Member Posts: 1,601 Championing

    now dont take this the wrong way but i have to agree with your husband they live with you they should pay there way and contribute to there upkeep and buy there own things for there own rooms may sound a tad harsh but how are they going to learn for the future you cant wrap them in cotton wool forever

  • Luchia
    Luchia Online Community Member Posts: 615 Empowering

    Hey!

    I have to agree with your husband on this one, If your children are adults they should be paying for their own furniture/carpets etc.

    It’s only fair on both yourself and your husband that they pay their own way, and it teaches them the value of money for when they move out in the future(they can also take the furniture they paid for when they move out and become independent).

  • starbuck
    starbuck Online Community Member Posts: 195 Empowering

    I don't know why I'm feeling so guilty about it all. Our eldest child who lives a long way away is meeting up with the whole family next week and suggested going for a big family dinner. Normally I'd insist on paying for something like this but I've had to let them know I couldn't manage to pay for a large meal. They wondered why I kept trying to persuade them all to go to a local seaside resort and have a chippy dinner on the beach πŸ˜„ They've all said they'll pay for their own food now but I'm still feeling guilty πŸ™„

  • michael57
    michael57 Online Community Member Posts: 1,601 Championing

    why you feeling guilty me and dawnie have a large family between us an whenever we all get together we all pay our own way have done for years you pay for yours and hubbies the rest pay for there own nobody will think any the less of you

  • Amaya_Ringo
    Amaya_Ringo Online Community Member Posts: 389 Championing
    edited October 2024

    I live with family at the moment as I don't earn enough to be able to rent independently the way I did before the pandemic. I like to contribute as much as I can to household, buy my own food, pay towards bills/internet. My bed is pretty old, but I did buy a new mattress using my own money earlier this year.

    I don't know the nature of the disabilities involved or what the overall financial situation is for them/you in this equation, nor is it my business to ask, but just for me personally, I like contributing where I can. It makes me feel more a part of the household, rather than just a burden.

    I'm sure you can strike a balance whereby maybe they contribute some and you contribute some?

  • Rosie_Scope
    Rosie_Scope Posts: 6,250 Scope Online Community Coordinator

    Amaya_Ringo's idea sounds like a nice compromise - perhaps you can share the burden of it by going halves or helping with some bits but not others?

    And as other member's said, if they're able to pay it's a good investment for their future should they ever wish to move away. When I first moved out I bought a bed and it came in very handy to move about with because I didn't have to worry about only picking furnished places to rent. When I didn't need it any more, I sold it on and had the spare money for covering other moving costs.

    There are also places you can get low cost or free furniture if that would be suitable for their needs, so perhaps that might also be an option if you or your children are struggling to afford what you need. I know that's not an option for everyone, but might be worth a look around to see if there's anything in your area 😊

  • poppy123456
    poppy123456 Online Community Member Posts: 64,463 Championing

    I also have to agree with your husband here. Yes, they are still your children but they have their own money to use for the things they want. I live with my adult daughter and everything she wants she buys with her own money. When we moved house at the start of the year she contributed half towards everything we bought, including carpeting the whole house.

    She doesn't work due to various health conditions but she still needs to learn that things in life are not free and she needs to pay her way and contribute.

    Sometimes we go out for coffee and if it's her turn to buy I will tell her. πŸ˜‚

  • JessieJ
    JessieJ Online Community Member Posts: 972 Trailblazing

    I also agree with your husband, it's only right they learn & pay for the things they need or want.

    Before my accident, I paid keep & bought any big items, bed, drawers etc,. that I required. After my accident & ending up disabled, I still paid keep & for the big items I needed, including disability needs. It's fair on you & your husband if they pay their way.

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