Toxic relationship with my mother. Need advice!

Gadget9616 · January 3

My mother is engulfing my world. I am in my 30s, I live independently with my son, working full time and do not ask for any help (i am visually impaired!).

Over the past few years, my mother seems to have taken over every aspect of my world. She turns up at my workplace on my breaks, she waits outside my home for when I get home and then proceeds to stay for hours. I will state I've got to go out, to the supermarket etc, she will offer to drive me, or if me & my son decide we are off to the pub for dinner, she will join us.I can't seem to escape. I keep everything a secret as she will attempt to take over & control it. I even go to the gym in secret, because last time she caught wind of me joining the gym, she joined up too.

She uses my sight as the reason for this interference, saying I will need her, that she is there to assist me & my son needs someone to help "guide him" (he is a teenager, so not helpless).

Me & my son live a very full life, we travel & explore, we have a couple of hobbies that we do together. My friendship circle has reduced to zero recently as I am never alone anymore, my mother is always there. She won't leave until she is ready, I've tried.

Lately I've been looking into a guide dog, just doing some research for my future, trying to decide if this is something I'd be open to. In this research, I came across travel issues with a dog, my mmother saw my laptop screen and stated she would happily babysit a guide dog if needed, saying she would "work" it and it could travel everywhere with her.

I sense she loves the fact I'm loosing my sight, she tells everyone! The cashier in the supermarket does not need to know nor does strangers a queue.

I'm feeling trapped, she won't listen to my boundaries, using my sight as the reason. How do I take back my life?

Ironside1990 · January 3

The dog is effectively your eyes. Your mam can't babysit it.

Is there anyone in your family who can talk to your mam? This need from her to control you,will cause resentment.

Gadget9616 · January 3

I'm not sure how to tag people, do I'll just reply here to both.

My mother lives with my father, he is disabled and just goes wherever he's told. She does have friends, but given how she constantly tells them she has to look after her disabled child, the invitations have reduced to things. I've told her I need space, she just overrides it with "well I don't count". This is what has stopped me going out and being social.

As for the babysitting the dog thing. I was just doing research on travelling with a guide dog and I told my son that we would have to be careful when we go places because I wouldn't take dog if the temperature was too hot.

My silbling doesn't get treated like this, and has attempted to speak to her regarding this, but it always falls on deaf ears. She doesn't see what she is doing wrong, she's the hero in her eyes. As for resentment, oh its already there. My son is fed up, he doesn't engage in any kind of communication with her now, he just sulks off to his room. He needs the space too.

Kimi87 · January 3

I'd suggest if words are falling on deaf ears, actions may speak louder.

Talk to your boss at work about not letting her access your workplace, don't let her into your house (changing locks if necessary).

Either ignore offers of help with no response, or adopt the broken record technique, basically repeating one phrase turning her down and stick to it. No debate, no discussion, just that brokem record response.

If you wanted, you could also speak to your local Police Community Support Officer because I feel the way she is behaving towards you is harassment.

callyfox77 · February 8

Hey, what a difficult situation you are in. I don't know if you've looked into this, but you might find it useful to look up stuff on emotionally immature parents/ Narcissistic mother. I'm not saying this is an exact fit for you, but the issues you describe have an overlap for sure. Lindsay C. Gibson books are easy to get hold of with lots of really good practical advice on setting boundaries.

There is unfortunately no way of avoiding setting boundaries your mum won't like and she will likely be upset by. But the alternative is to stay as you are! Knowing this in advance is helpful so you can predict all the different arguments she'll come up with but keep yourself emotionally distant and stand your ground. And I'd say do a 'hard' reset and cover all elements of how you want things to be at once. Gently gently won't work, you've tried it.

I know this might sound a bit extreme but you have to be willing to follow through on your boundaries once you've set them. If your mum has a key, change your locks so she can only get in if you invite her. Protecting your space and time is really important, you aren't doing anything wrong.

Really hope you get this sorted out one way or another

Gadget9616 · February 9

Hi!

My mother doesnt have a key, and will never get one. She doesn't respect my boundaries as it is.

As for the comment regarding Narcissists, I've been reading up on this the past few days, and a lot of things ring true. This whole situation has come about since my father deteriorated in the past few years. I believe she has pushed everyone away and is now clinging onto me for dear life (using my sight as the crutch).

You are also correct, I need a reset for my sanity and my sons.

And no, she never notices my son and how he is unhappy. She thinks this is the teenager phase and that it will pass. She doesn't know what he likes/dislikes as he won't ever engage in conversation with her beyond a grunt/shrug!

kreacher · February 9

i know this will sound abit drastic but could you get a restraining order

Daniel_otis · November 20

I'm really sorry to hear about the challenges you're facing with your mum. It sounds incredibly draining and frustrating, especially when you're already managing so much independently with your work, hobbies, and family life. It's clear from what you've shared that you're a strong, capable person who's built a fulfilling routine for yourself and your son, and it's completely valid to want space and boundaries in your relationships.

It might help to start by having a calm, direct conversation with her about how her involvement is affecting you. Perhaps framing it around your need for independence rather than criticism, like saying, "I appreciate your concern, but I need some time to handle things on my own." If that feels too daunting, involving a neutral third party, such as a counselor or support group for people with similar family dynamics, could provide tools for setting those limits more effectively.

Wishing you the best in finding a way forward that brings you and your son some peace. Take care!🤲

Catherine21 · November 20

Ive been on a journey with an overbearing parent and im 53 he doesn't respect my boundaries and alot lot more and Im understanding I have a trauma bond with him !! It actually blown my mind ive had ti distant myself from him this last week even though hes elderly he always fed me lines over the years like your not well I think your having a nervous breakdown trying to turn me against people so I have no one is think there's apart of them that wants you to be dependent on them break the cycle its hard to backoff but I believe we'll in my case he doesn't care how I feel its all about them be hard to put boundaries up as they will fight against this act upset like your the bad person this is about your mum not you turning up at your work place is a bit unhinged I remember my dad did that to my mum when she left him every other day waiting outside its not right

jonf · November 20

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1084525#Comment_1084525

mental cruelty, time to get out

callyfox77 · November 20

This is the point at which people often have to make a choice to stop contact (for self preservation) altogether (could be temporary or permanent) or to change your boundaries so that when you choose to have any degree of contact, you keep yourself emotionally safe and do so on your own terms. Being aware that what the other person is doing is not ok (and is potentially toxic to your wellbeing, by the sounds of it) is the first step. Lindsay Gibson has written some good stuff on how to focus on emotionally withdrawing from a relationship dynamic (relatively speaking) to a place where you can "observe" the other person's behaviour much more clearly and prioritise your own mental health. Good luck

Stellar · December 7

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/127571/toxic-relationship-with-my-mother-need-advice

Sounds like you need to get a restraining order in place to force her to back off. People like your mum will not learn until they're dragged kicking and screaming into stopping (metaphorically speaking). She likely genuinely believes she's doing nothing wrong.

Moving to a different part of the country where she cannot easily get to you may also be worth considering. Even an hour's car ride may be enough to make it prohibitively difficult to harrass you.

Jane315STARX · December 7

This is a classic enmeshed relationship ( I've been there and had to cut off contact with my mum years ago as she was narcissistic too).I'm not saying your mum is as on the basis of what you've said there isn't enough to go on.But you certainly need some time apart and your independence back.I think if you can be bold enough to say it then perhaps say something along the lines of "mum I love you dearly but I need a couple of weeks to see how I go at doing things for myself instead of relying on you.I appreciate all that you do.But the G.p has advised I do this for my sense of purpose ( add that in).She may repel and say that it's a ridiculous idea.So you can feed into her ego ( if she has one),but try and stand your ground for your own sake and then after that first week if you get that far.You may have the incentive to say to her you need more time X

Toxic relationship with my mother. Need advice!

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