Hi, my name is LozA100! Any tips for helping my teenage son?

LozA100

Hi all.

My son is 12 and autistic. He had 1:1 support in mainstream primary, then had a benign brain tumour 2 years ago that has left additional processing difficulties and as you can imagine, really took a toll on his physical and mental health and wellbeing. He's been amazing and I'm incredibly proud of him.

I don't know if it's the autism, the ptsd, the teenage hormones or all of the above, but he's quite tricky at the moment. He just wants to be in his room on youtube, doesn't want to go anywhere or make new friends, thinks he's acting like a teenager should and is pretty distant and sometimes quite nasty to me and his dad. He resists everything I suggest. Not always, but mostly. We still have some fantastic moments and get on ok...but it feels like I'm clinging on and walking on eggshells. He wants to hang out with friends but won't listen to any suggestions on how to meet and make new friends, do anything that would boost his self-esteem and confidence or even talk to me. How can I manage this so our family life is more light-hearted and fun and so he can get out there (physically or online) and build some really meaningful relationships? He's going to change from mainstream to specialist school in September, I'm really hoping he'll love it!

I'm not forcing this on him, he often says he'd like to hang out with friends.

He also makes inappropriate jokes that he doesn't really understand. I vet what he watches on youtube and he's told me he heard these things at school; he just repeats again and again. I worry that this will get him in trouble or push potential friends away.

Basically, we were in a really good place and navigating things pretty well as a family (we've also got another son two years older) with a lot of fun, but then our world was smashed upside down and it took a year to start getting to grips with that, then both my boys were suddenly teenagers and had completely different needs and wants to what I was used to. I'm trying to do a good job but am not confident that I am and I often feel like I'm steering the boat in circles going nowhere and that water is getting in.

Maybe this is normal and I have unrealistic expectations…if so, I need to get a grip!

Thank you for any advice!

Roadrunner13

hey im joe u

how are you ?

joe

LozA100

Hi Joe.

I'm ok, thanks. Hope you're well?

I was pretty upset earlier when I posted but am much calmer now.

Thanks for replying :)

Mary_Scope

Hi @LozA100

Thanks for being so open. It sounds like you’ve all been through a lot and how much you love your son and how much you support him really comes through this post😄

What you mentioned about your son going to his room, not wanting help and wanting friends but not really knowing how to get there is quite common at that age but it can be tough to handle! It’s not that you’re doing something wrong, it’s often a difficult age for both the child and the family! From what you’ve described, it sounds like your son is sticking with what feels familiar and safe like YouTube even though part of him does want connection with others.

Socially, the key might be to work with what your son already likes. If he's into certain games, YouTubers, or topics those can be ways into finding online communities suitable for young people or local face to face groups where the pressure to make friends isn’t immediate as its more around the interest.

What sort of things is he interested in? Your local offer may also have some activity groups or clubs that may be suitable for your son.

The move to the specialist school could be huge and a really positive thing! It might take the pressure off and give your son a more natural way to connect with other children and build friendships that way.

Do you know if they are able to offer any support with friendships or if they have any clubs or buddy system?

I understand the concern with the inappropriate jokes. He may just be repeating stuff without understanding the impact which is common. Sometimes keeping the tone light but clear when talking to him about what he has said and why it’s inappropriate can help teach boundaries without him feeling like he’s done something really bad or feeling like he’s being shamed and in lots of trouble!

I saw that you wrote below that you were quite upset yesterday, I hope you are having a better day today! How are you feeling at the moment? Do you have support around you?