A stranger grabbed my wheelchair and silently started pushing me

Lucy_Scope

From The Metro

Written by Melissa Parker

I was completely at the mercy of this man (Picture: Melissa Parker)

Wheeling myself around the town centre in July, I contentedly went about my day, running errands.

I’d been about to enter a supermarket when I suddenly felt a heavy, foreign weight pushing on the back of my wheelchair. 

A man, a stranger, had grabbed hold of the handles and wouldn’t let go. Silently, he started pushing me.  

Immediately, the hairs on the back of my neck prickled, my skin began to crawl, and fear pooled in the pit of my stomach. 

Though I told him to stop, he never said a word to me (Picture: Melissa Parker)

Suddenly, I was aware how vulnerable I was. I was completely at the mercy of this man. And all I could think was ‘what could he do to me? I have to get away’. 

Taking complete control of someone’s wheelchair in this way is one of the worst things you can do to a disabled person. 

It’s a stark reminder of the power imbalance that exists between non-disabled and disabled people and that, whether we like to admit it or not, we are at a physical disadvantage. 

Sadly this is not the first time someone’s grabbed my wheelchair without my consent. 

The first time it happened I was in my late twenties and going to get a coffee when a man (it’s always been a man in my experience) began pushing me down the street for what felt like a mile. 

Though I told him to stop, he never said a word to me. The further along the road we got the clammier my skin became, and the more every muscle in my body tensed with fear. 

The notion of fight or flight is all well and good until you remember that neither is wholly possible for me. And I truly thought this man was going to harm me.

Thankfully, another non-disabled man intervened and once he told my – for want of a better word – kidnapper that I looked visibly terrified he stopped pushing my chair and walked off without a word.

I didn’t leave the house alone for weeks after that. When I finally did, I was constantly anxious and fearful that it would happen again. And sadly it did.  

This has happened to me in all manner of places… 

In nightclubs – where I have been left shaking in terror as a man I had never met laughed at my reaction to being moved away from friends without my consent. In supermarkets, shopping centres, train stations and even museums I have been moved without permission because I ‘looked like I needed help’. And of course, I’ve been grabbed on the streets too.

No one place is safer than the other and it’s become almost familiar and ordinary for this to happen – and that’s what makes it most scary. 

That’s why, when I go outside alone now, I try to keep my head down as much as possible and not make eye contact with anyone. I don’t want to attract unwanted attention. 

Still, even that’s not always enough. Case in point, the incident in July. 

After begging and firmly saying ‘no’ several times got me no closer to getting this stranger away from me, I was forced to place my hands on the wheels – taking the skin off my fingers – to stop him in his tracks.

This prompted the man to walk off in a huff as if I should have accepted his unwanted help gratefully, even though he never asked or knew where I was wanting to go.

But that’s part of the problem, everyone thinks I should be grateful for this kind of help.  

Friends and family have often rushed to reassure me that these people who take hold of my chair are likely just trying to help, that it’s harmless and I should be thankful to have strangers looking out for me. But I don’t see it that way. 

I see it as an invasion of my space, my freedom, my independence. 

Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I do need help – like when I’ve been physically unable to handle the wheelchair because a ramp is too steep, or I am unable to get something from a higher shelf – and in these scenarios I am always grateful when people stop to help.  

The fundamental difference though is that, before people interfere on these occasions, they always ask me if they can help. They always give me a choice rather than assume they know what to do for me or to me

I just wish more strangers understood that my consent to being helped always matters and that, when I say ‘no’, I mean it. 

If you see someone in a wheelchair who is struggling, then I would encourage you to offer your help.  

But what is not okay, is to suddenly force yourself on someone, or become aggressive if they say ‘no’ because you’ve decided you know what is best for them. 

That isn’t kindness or help, it’s ignorance and it’s dehumanising. 

As I move through the world, I don’t want to be constantly looking over my shoulder, fearing that heavy weight of a stranger taking control of my chair and therefore my body.  

Think of it this way: Would you like a stranger to drag you aggressively by the arm without your consent, without warning, to God knows where? I thought not. 

I want to be free to live my life without fear, as do we all. 

SaraC_Scope

This article stirred many emotions inside of me. Thank you to Melissa for sharing an insight into her life. Consent should be the same for everyone. No means No!

66Mustang

I've heard of people moving wheelchair users in supermarkets because they were "in the way". It seems a bit weird that people think it's okay to move someone as if they were a supermarket trolley. Would you push someone out of the way who was on foot?? Well I guess some people would but I assume not many

That said, the way this article is written kind of vexed me, but I can't really put my finger on why. I felt like I was being spoken to as if I was the person who did it. I think it kind of feels like one of those times where discrimination occurs but the victim goes on to mount a counteroffensive by vilifying the opposite group.

I'd never consider "helping" someone without asking, but this has caused me to rethink even offering in the first place. As someone with anxiety this article reinforces my "safe" instinct of not making eye contact and hoping I can walk past a struggling person without being collared into helping. 🙁

Scooby222

God, how terrifying!  I agree that it is kidnapping, quite clearly. 

Would carrying a rape alarm or similar help in this situation?  At least it would attract other peoples attention, and hopefully scare off the kidnapper. 

I absolutely hate just someone walking close behind me when I'm in my wheelchair, that is threatening in itself as I can't see who it is of essily talk to them.  I think I am going to buy myself a personal alarm after reading this article!

WhatThe

How creepy!

Very well written article. I have a squirty water bottle for any man who gets too close and I'm not in a wheelchair.

Scooby222

I love the squirty water bottle idea, I'd never have thought of that! 😁

Chris75_

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1064225#Comment_1064225

What do we carry in the bottle. Can it be "re-cycled" water?

WhatThe

It's recycled London tap water 😋

Scooby, you could also get a small lighter which beams light and weighs nothing.

66Mustang

I'm sorry for being such a horrible person but I don't understand why the fact this article triggered my anxiety and PTSD and self worth issues makes me horrible

I dont get why I'm so horrible

I've never done anything wrong, why are people allowed to make me feel worthless and be emotionally abusiv,e towards me

Albus_Scope

Being triggered by something doesnt make you horrible at all @66Mustang we all have our own battles and cannot judge someone for feeling something.

66Mustang

@Albus_Scope

But people do, people are allowed to suggest I'm horrible because of my gender, but I'm not allowed to do the same (not that I want to)

Sorry you probably hate me for writing this, I just want someone to help me and understand me

66Mustang

@Albus_Scope

But people do, people are allowed to suggest I'm horrible because of my gender, but I'm not allowed to do the same (not that I want to)

Sorry you probably hat,e me for writing this, I just want someone to help me and understand me

66Mustang

I've never cried because of an internet forum before, must be the new meds, but it's really upset me

I don't get why I'm so worthless

Chris75_

Who called you worthless? We are all miraculous, every one of us.

One small blue dot of life in the vastness of space. For goodness sake, our own galaxy is a hundred thousand light years across, one very ordinary spiral galaxy amongst billions.