Is it ok for a guy to want to hook up with a girl that is mentally a teenager?
Or is it frowned upon? Because of a cognitive impairment of borderline intellectual functioning and autism if she is really 30 but is mentally a teenager why would some guys be hesitant to hook up with a girl like that even if she can consent to sex? The disability is borderline intellectual functioning and autism. What are your thoughts?
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Nope.
They don't have the emotional ability to handle a serious relationship for a start.
And if you ahem go there (have sex) with someone in that situation, some people could argue it's without consent because the girl doesn't have emotional maturity to say yes or no.
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Illegal? Probably not. Frowned upon? Most certainly.
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how is it frowned upon? What if they want sex like everyone else?
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how is it frowned upon?
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What if she passes the sexual consent test by a doctor and they doctor says she can consent to sex? Then what?
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You asked whether it was frowned upon. I think you already know the answer to that.
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It's more about whether the person has the mental capacity to both consent and understand things properly. While someone might be over the physical age of consent, it's important that they understand what it means to be in a sexual relationship with someone and what the consequences of that might be. By that I mean pregnancy, infections, social and relationship issues and things like that.
If it is an unbalanced relationship where one person has a significantly different level of understanding or disability than the other, that can become a safeguarding concern as it can lead to coercive or abusive situations. While they may be able to consent, they may not understand the nuances of things and could find themselves being taken advantage of. So if this is the case, that would be a concern.
Mencap have some useful resources for people with learning disabilities exploring sex and relationships in case that's helpful:
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Nope I don’t know the answer to that. What if they are high functioning? Can’t they have sexual relationships like everyone else?
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Yeah but just because she has a disability doesn’t mean she will be taken advantage of. She understands relationships so you are saying not every guy will take advantage of her? What if she wants sex?
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No, and it can be different for every person as everyone will have a different experience with their disability. If she's capable of informed consent and understands things well, there's no reason why she shouldn't have a fulfilling sex life with whoever she chooses.
It's just a point to consider that there aren't any power imbalances or other issues involved that could put her in a vulnerable position or cause a safeguarding concern. Not every disabled person is vulnerable or at risk. Again - it's different from person to person. If she's capable of advocating for herself and staying safe, it will be totally her choice.
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Yes you are right so why do some people against it, ghost them and ignore their texts when they find out she’s disabled? Why can’t they know they can have sexual relations like everyone else?
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Hi @dancerxoxo96, I'll add to the 'debate'/try and answer but I have to start by saying I 'question the question' as it's an outdated, over-simplification to suggest a 'mental age', particularly for a lady of 30 as it doesn't take into account any of her lifes' experience (no offence intended), or necessarily her wishes and desires, as an adult.
I agree with Rosie but just to add a couple of points. One, about capacity to consent - it also means the ability/capacity to say no, without fear.
Everyone over the age of 16 has the [human] right, in law, to have a sexual or intimate relationship and to marry (without parental consent from the age of 18). They've also the right to privacy and to be curious in the same way as anybody else. Many people with intellectual or other, cognitive disabilies form relationships, including intimacy, as is their absolute right, as an adult. Those with more profound needs/disabilities may not be able to and may lack capacity. But generally, with mild to moderate disability, capacity is presumed and it's more a case of education and individualised support that's needed to counter potential risks.
Adults, including those with disabilities, are 'allowed' to make poor decisions. My ethics training was years ago (c 2012) but the risks which may present of potential abuse or exploitation do not, in themselves, deny an individuals' fundamental rights, providing they have capacity which in itself, can be fluid and dependent on the function. Capacity, or lack of it, is not 'set in stone'.
There are Safeguarding laws (I can't recall them now) and the Mental Capacity Act 2005 which might be of interest to read, I'd expect Rosie's link to Mencap may include that. It's a complex area but particularly where there may be an 'imbalance' - I've cared for a lady (different situation totally, she had Down's Syndrome) who was in a relationship. But nothing here to be frowned upon, it's good to get a fuller understanding via Mencap and the Mental Capacity Act 2005 (especially I'd say initially, looking at the main principles of this Act which could be a good starting point, alongside the Mencap link, and particularly in respect of the lady in question).
The law can often be an 'as' (can't use the word or this might not send, just add another 's' 😁), I strongly feel it is not here though, it's very serious taking away somebody's liberty - whatever the freedom in question happens to be. I had a lot of experience and knowledge in DOLS but not specifically in this area.
Hope this might help a little; a long answer but to what is a much bigger question. Take care and all the very best.
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Ok thank you but why are some guys hesitant to hook up with a girl with Mild Intellectual disability and ghost her when they sense she has it when they should know they deserve a sex life like anyone else? They won’t be taken advantage of. They know what they are getting into. What are your thoughts?
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Pehaps they feel it’s best to not engage in sexual activity due to her disabilty. Their personal choice. I think most people are concerned with the emotional impact. It isn’t just a physical act.
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I don't know tbh, I agree with @Yani09's thoughts. It must be hard for her to be 'ghosted' though, but it isn't always intended to be unkind is my guess, but more that it may feel harder for them to have a conversation and be honest about why.
Also, even when somebody has no disabilities at all, people don't always feel a connection or have an attraction to somebody else, whether they've dated yet or not. Isn't is 'just' about meeting the right person, for both people involved maybe?
Somebody's posted on here (I don't know which Thread sorry) with some links to ? dating/social. That perhaps may be something that might be of interest for your friend.
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I humbly apologise but anyone who Ghosts another person simply because they're disabled seriously needs to have a word with themselves IMO.
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I agree with you. It says something about their character though to do that to her and it says a lot more about him than the lady in question. And who then would want to be with someone who has that 'flaw' for want of a better word as they wouldn't be relationship material imo; not kindly behaviour. Maybe he felt bad after doing that, I don't know. It's not a behaviour I'd tolerate as I wouldn't do that.
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Yes you are right! Why do they need to have a word with themselves?
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Yes you are right! How come? Can you explain it to me?
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Yeah how come?
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