Suicidal Feelings

weakspot

Just wanted to put pen to paper so to speak, January is one of those months which get to so many people, I’m 56 ex military, and a war disablement pensioner, discharged in 1990,  I’m diagnosed with depression, anxiety, ptsd, , significant high frequency hearing loss with tinnitus and a multitude of other things, 

what I’m struggling with right now 
I’ve been married 3 times divorced 2 times , and have three boys spread between the first two wives 
I collapsed over 2 years ago and haven’t been able to work and still can’t so things are tuff already 
between Christmas and new year I found out via an air ambulance just giving page that my middle son was involved in an accident at work on the 7th November where he was trapped under a vehicle not breathing for 30 minutes approximately, revived at the scene and flown to James cook major trauma unit at some point he was put into an induced coma and then died of his injuries on the 15th November and was cremated on the 15th December, 

my second ex wife said nothing, neither did my youngest son and I was not given the chance to say good by, the whole situation is an impossible one to understand or imagine, 

now a couple of weeks later from finding out I’m left with the heavy task of moving forward, 

I’m busy building a small boat, ( toy sized ) and I’m going to place a photo of Kieran in the boat , my son’s birthday is on the 15th of February and plan to go to a river near me and launch the boat and say my farewells and let the current take him on his next journey, I didn’t get to have that catchup in this lifetime, but I’ll find Kieran in the next. 

there isn’t much anyone can say, 

the time keeps moving forward and we choose whether to follow the flow or stand still stuck in a moment , 

baby steps no more and no less, one day at a time from one moment to the next 

kitsmum

I am struggling at the minute with my mental health. I have lots of chronic illnesses and my husband is going through a really stressful time at work and it is really hard fighting alongside him. I reached out to my GPs and they are excellent. I am now on a waiting list for counselling. I have been having suicidal ideation but have a plan in place for when this happens. I don't actually want to die I just want out of the situation which seems never ended. I am also a member on the mind website and am getting help from Talking Therapy in my area. It is so hard feeling like a failure (I lost my job) and a burden and not "contributing to society" Life is really tough when you are disabled.

pburns1337

@weakspot Sorry to hear about the loss of your son. That's a lot just by itself.

pburns1337

@kitsmum Humans throughout history have always looked after their sick and injured. Archaeologists have found evidence that Neanderthals cared for their sick and injured too. It's what we do.

Kali85

I have autism, I also have complex PTSD, i suffer with depression everyday, I have suicidal thoughts most days, certain holidays/anniversaries trigger me. These last 3 years have been unbearable I just couldn’t carry this pain anymore. I just didn’t want to live anymore. I am only just coming back up for air after a very tough couple of months.

Is this just my life now? Will I ever feel happy again, or will I always be so broken and completely exhausted with my life! Just feels like never ending sadness and pain just going round in circles

LuciaMalta

Kali85, I am so sorry to hear how you feel and know it so well.What is the answer, we ask? My only way of dealing with it is to take each single day at a time. Doing that reduces the unbearable misery because your goal is to manage TODAY. Nothing more. Just today. The worst time for me is waking up in the morning and realising that I've got to do it all again but it IS only a day and the end of today's battle is in sight. I have battled since childhood and your words fit my feelings completely. Only suggestions but, If it gets too tough, try and achieve little goals; planning to watch a good, preferably funny or absorbing TV programme later on, take a short walk outside, set just one task which needs doing. Smile at people. I know that's hard with autism but it's how my husband coped and he was astonished by how good it felt. Thinking of you and good luck.

Kiki23

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/790450#Comment_790450

I just wanted to pass by on here and say im so sorry for the loss of Kieran and the pain you feel.

Did you make the boat and sail it on the 15th of Feb???

Clare75

What's the 1st step once you reach this point...

Biblioklept

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1096505#Comment_1096505

Ask for help, reach out to people or anyone, admit how you're feeling and don't suffer alone ❤️ Are you feeling this way @Clare75??

Rosie_Scope

Hi @Clare75, Biblioklept is right. It's so hard, but sometimes the first step is to ask for some help or support. Are you feeling suicidal at the moment?

Your GP is a good place to start if you're having suicidal feelings. They can often refer you on for more support or explore some options with you. This can feel like a huge thing, but they're there to help you, so please consider it if you can.

But if you feel you want to chat to someone anonymously, you can call the Samaritans on freephone 116 123 or by email: https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

There's also Shout, which is a texting service if you don't like the idea of speaking on the phone: https://giveusashout.org/

If you don't feel you can keep yourself safe at home, please remember you can call 999 or go to your nearest hospital A&E at any time. We've given you this information as part of our Safeguarding Policy.

Hope you're managing okay.

Kali85

Acknowledging that your problems and struggles, are too severe for you to cope alone, ask for help and support from family or friends, tell them exactly how your feeling, talking about your struggles will help as it lightens the load. Speak with your GP to find out what support is available in your area. Most areas will have some support for ppl struggling with their mental health, my area has a crisis team I can phone and talk things through when I feel suicidal, there’s also Samaritans you can phone. Always remember you are not alone ❤️

Kali85

Clare75

I don't have friends or family, just my husband and I make him so unhappy, my cat saved my life last night, I was ready to go but he sat on me and refused to move.

I have spoken to the Samaritans, they said I needed to talk to my husband but he said he doesn't care...

Rosie_Scope

Oh @Clare75, that sounds really difficult. I'm so sorry your husband said he didn't care. Cats always know something's up. What a sweetie for him to stay by you when he knew you were struggling. What's your cat's name? Have you had him long?

We'll be sending you an email today so please look out for that.

Clare75

My cat is 12, he might be a cat but he's my only family, my husband said I'm using emotional blackmail but I'm not I just want to be happy and make him happy.

Kali85

our pets just know, my dog always knows and she will stay glued to my side until my dark mood passes. @Clare75 you can talk to me anytime, I have struggled my whole life with dark depression and suicidal thoughts, just send me a private message if you would like to talk. Nothing worse than fighting demons in your head alone without any support or help.

Rosie_Scope

Sorry to hear that @Clare75, that's not a kind thing to say to you when you're feeling so low. People can say some hurtful things in times of strain. Is he usually supportive?

Please don't feel silly that your cat is 'just a cat'. It sounds like he's there for you in a way that sometimes people just can't be. I bet he knows you so well after 12 years and I'm sure he will have picked up that something's not right.

Kali85

Clare75

My husband does so much for me, he's not a nasty person,I think I've just pushed him to the edge too, we lost one of our cats in July and I've been so sad about it, I've really struggled, I'm menopausal, my health issues are worse and my pain is awful.

he thinks I'm not trying, that I put no effort into anything, when honestly it's an effort to just get through every day...he thinks me saying I can't do something is an excuse. But I don't want to speak badly of him, I've loved that man for 33 years and we've been through so much together...I just want to stop feeling so useless and sad all the time.

Rosie_Scope

That's a lot to deal with @Clare75. As you say, perhaps your husband is just feeling the strain of it all. That doesn't mean what he said wasn't hurtful, but it sounds like you're both struggling with how things are despite how much you love each other.

So sorry to hear you lost another of your cats. Some other members were just chatting about how difficult it is over in our Pets Corner chat. It's so heartbreaking and if you're facing other things at the same time it can hit you even harder.

Hopefully you can get through to your GP and they can start putting some things in place to help. Do they help with your pain levels too? If you're struggling perhaps they can refer you on somewhere to help you feel more comfortable. Fingers crossed you get through tomorrow morning.