Suicidal Feelings

Just wanted to put pen to paper so to speak, January is one of those months which get to so many people, I’m 56 ex military, and a war disablement pensioner, discharged in 1990,  I’m diagnosed with depression, anxiety, ptsd, , significant high frequency hearing loss with tinnitus and a multitude of other things, 

what I’m struggling with right now 
I’ve been married 3 times divorced 2 times , and have three boys spread between the first two wives 
I collapsed over 2 years ago and haven’t been able to work and still can’t so things are tuff already 
between Christmas and new year I found out via an air ambulance just giving page that my middle son was involved in an accident at work on the 7th November where he was trapped under a vehicle not breathing for 30 minutes approximately, revived at the scene and flown to James cook major trauma unit at some point he was put into an induced coma and then died of his injuries on the 15th November and was cremated on the 15th December, 

my second ex wife said nothing, neither did my youngest son and I was not given the chance to say good by, the whole situation is an impossible one to understand or imagine, 

now a couple of weeks later from finding out I’m left with the heavy task of moving forward, 

I’m busy building a small boat, ( toy sized ) and I’m going to place a photo of Kieran in the boat , my son’s birthday is on the 15th of February and plan to go to a river near me and launch the boat and say my farewells and let the current take him on his next journey, I didn’t get to have that catchup in this lifetime, but I’ll find Kieran in the next. 

there isn’t much anyone can say, 

the time keeps moving forward and we choose whether to follow the flow or stand still stuck in a moment , 

baby steps no more and no less, one day at a time from one moment to the next