Suicidal Feelings

weakspot

Just wanted to put pen to paper so to speak, January is one of those months which get to so many people, I’m 56 ex military, and a war disablement pensioner, discharged in 1990,  I’m diagnosed with depression, anxiety, ptsd, , significant high frequency hearing loss with tinnitus and a multitude of other things, 

what I’m struggling with right now 
I’ve been married 3 times divorced 2 times , and have three boys spread between the first two wives 
I collapsed over 2 years ago and haven’t been able to work and still can’t so things are tuff already 
between Christmas and new year I found out via an air ambulance just giving page that my middle son was involved in an accident at work on the 7th November where he was trapped under a vehicle not breathing for 30 minutes approximately, revived at the scene and flown to James cook major trauma unit at some point he was put into an induced coma and then died of his injuries on the 15th November and was cremated on the 15th December, 

my second ex wife said nothing, neither did my youngest son and I was not given the chance to say good by, the whole situation is an impossible one to understand or imagine, 

now a couple of weeks later from finding out I’m left with the heavy task of moving forward, 

I’m busy building a small boat, ( toy sized ) and I’m going to place a photo of Kieran in the boat , my son’s birthday is on the 15th of February and plan to go to a river near me and launch the boat and say my farewells and let the current take him on his next journey, I didn’t get to have that catchup in this lifetime, but I’ll find Kieran in the next. 

there isn’t much anyone can say, 

the time keeps moving forward and we choose whether to follow the flow or stand still stuck in a moment , 

baby steps no more and no less, one day at a time from one moment to the next 

kitsmum

I am struggling at the minute with my mental health. I have lots of chronic illnesses and my husband is going through a really stressful time at work and it is really hard fighting alongside him. I reached out to my GPs and they are excellent. I am now on a waiting list for counselling. I have been having suicidal ideation but have a plan in place for when this happens. I don't actually want to die I just want out of the situation which seems never ended. I am also a member on the mind website and am getting help from Talking Therapy in my area. It is so hard feeling like a failure (I lost my job) and a burden and not "contributing to society" Life is really tough when you are disabled.

pburns1337

@weakspot Sorry to hear about the loss of your son. That's a lot just by itself.

pburns1337

@kitsmum Humans throughout history have always looked after their sick and injured. Archaeologists have found evidence that Neanderthals cared for their sick and injured too. It's what we do.

Catherine21

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/790450#Comment_790450

Im so sorry for your loss felt really moved by your tribute to your son

Catherine21

Totally understand when you say you just want out of tgr situation its so overwelming navgating this life and everything seems so depressing life is horrendous being disabled in this country seems worse than ever