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LONELINESS A CRISIS

thespiceman
thespiceman Member Posts: 6,389 Disability Gamechanger
edited December 2017 in Research and opportunities
I saw on the B.B.C breakfast about loneliness.  This being a national crisis.  That it is effecting mental health and premature death.  I sat and wondering about this.  I am lonely but is this my fault.  I know reading from various comments out there in our community.  A lot of people like me.  I wish them all the love and support if I can on this forum.  My issue is this I have tried and probably tried to hard to find friends, support groups and interact with people.  I got one major barrier out the way moving away from my mother.  I have come to realise that everytime I sought friendship or joined a group to benefit my wellbeing.  She is there in the background putting obstacles  in the way.  Making out I am the problem they don't like you she once quipped not realising she had told them lies and used them against me.  Made comments that no body wishes to hear.  I know I spoke about his before and I apologise.  I know this has left me with a conscious that when I meet anybody can still and feel her being disapproving.  No matter how much therapy I have.  One other problem is when I join support groups many are not for disabled people.  That should not matter but it does as I am never accepted and treated badly.  Last time joined a mens support group the guy running it was hard to deal with.  Never met a disabled man his attitude all wrong.  Made fun and was patronising became a bully.  I found out just recently not only me.  Treated everybody like that.  I often wondered why people kept disappearing and never came back.  Is that my fault?  Same ironically with some disabled clubs I went to as well if I can remember.  I often felt every time I joined something  barrier come up.  Mental health charity who supported me they had group gathering and other events.  Team manager would come on phone saying you said this and can not do this.  I am speechless.  I know I am of an age where treading on eggshells is not the norm.  I had a great time in the charity but this was the off putting side.  Ended up being ill and support worker tried to entice me back into the fold.  I had to go being lonely then spoke about my health history and got told off.  What I exclaimed I thought what is the point.  This has been ongoing for a long time me being accepted by society.  Whether sitting making pleasant chat in a café being then shouted at and treated in a way that I am felt ashamed to be disabled.  Only want to talk then get no where.  Is that my fault?
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Comments

  • steve51
    steve51 Member Posts: 7,153 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @thespiceman

    It’s great to meet you this afternoon/welcome.

    Yes loneliness is going to be the number one crisis to hit the human race in years to come.

    Please don’t feel that it’s your fault in anyway  !!!!!!!

    If you require any help/support/or just a chat please please let me know???


  • Neil2017
    Neil2017 Member Posts: 155 Courageous
    Hi @thespiceman
    Agree with a lot of what you're saying in that there is a lot of isolation and loneliness around. There does not seem to be one specific answer to it. I guess we are all human and have to live and learn with different personalities or people from different backgrounds as best we can or complain if we don't like something.

    Perhaps you need to try and work on some positives. E.g. there is this forum here and maybe positing somewhere about your interests and getting the most out of them. Like the Coffee Lounge discussions area.

    Then think if you can get back into your old group and give it another go.
    All the best
    Neil
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Member Posts: 6,389 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @steve51 Thank you for welcome and comments.  I don't think I have talked to you.  I appreciate the advice always welcome thank you.  Been doing bits and pieces various topics and debates on this forum.  It helps.  I do know this so do you that it is never easy talking how us men feel.  I can speak here I think well I do know this as well because it has happened on numerous occasions.  I get put down in any thing I join.  It seems just lately whenever I do enrol in any groups or support groups.  I am coming against problems or issues or worse please can I say this discrimination against the male sex.  One example of this was a Christmas activity day in a group who were making cards and so called decorations.  All women but I was one of two men.  I felt very strongly about this and did speak my voice.  The other lad felt uncomfortable making in his words prissy and feminine things for no one in particular.  He has the similar background to me.  We just sat there the two of us.  I use humour very dry to ease the situation.  We wanted to leave the room but felt all eyes on us not joining in.  I make an excuse and left the room and he did the same.  Phone call later from team manager very disapproving.  Told her some people hate Christmas.  I am one that I thought would be understanding.  Unfortunately said to me I had ruined the day.  So I had to hear want every body to have good time.  This keeps happening this tut tut noise you can not say that or do that.   I apologise for long explanations.  Have a bee in my bonnet lately what is happening to me.  Especially my confidence slowly being eroded away.  Getting depressed and it is getting to me my situation.  Thank you reading this and I hope you understand.
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  • steve51
    steve51 Member Posts: 7,153 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @thespiceman

    Thanks for the reply don’t worry I will never mess you around.
    Yes I have also been messed around lots off times with different groups.
    This forum touch wood is very different.
    I’m part off the team so I won’t ever mess you around.
    Please please don’t go down the route of “depression” if you can.
     Please please let me know if I can help you with anything else ?????
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Member Posts: 6,389 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Neil2017 Thank you comments.  Nice to talk to you.  Also the wise words.  Please can I say I have been on this forum I think I joined about July.  First I noticed the warm welcome and love and support I get from every one who replies to me.  I have said a lot of stuff about myself in various forums.  Very keen on the political side of disability and all related matters.  The work that SCOPE is doing is fantastic in that area.  I do look on web pages, media about any related themes.  Recent debacle about ESA plus the PIP saga.  Which is traumatic and is effecting every one in our community.  I should know I am a victim and still am.  Personal interests are music Soul and Motown.  Used to be an allnighter in the Northern Soul scene up and down the North of England.  I am called the Spiceman because of my fascination and obsession with spices and also herbs.  Which I have used for my own health reasons.  I have tried to get back in to other support groups.  One of the things that is happening with all charities is the funding and limited resources.  If you please would like to read some of the forum debates.  Pleas can I tell you I was one of those people told we feel you do need support.  In fact so many charities are stretched that any hint of being well and able to cope.  You are given the boot.  Fact of life.  They often ask you do need any sign posting or other such networking.  This is what I trying to do now.  Always on web finding a path to happiness.  I hope you are OK pleasure to meet you and hope to discuss any stimulating debates.  Take care
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  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Member Posts: 6,389 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @steve51 Thank you very much.  I did know you were part of the SCOPE team.  Like your replies you sound like me injected with a bit of humour.  Please also like any advice you have given to others and myself.  I know just doing job much appreciated.  I apologise sometimes old fashioned gent not very good at this IT skills typing sometimes too long get tired.  I will contact any of you if I get stuck either by phone or on here.  I am on meds for anxiety and depression.  Get stressed a lot with an addiction background.  I am sorry I think said that before.  Been clean next year eleven years.  Still what does not help this time of year plus too many booze ads on TV.  That does not help any body does it.  I have info on what is happening in my area.  Need confidence at present not too good this helps.  You lovely people at SCOPE and on the forum.  Thank you hope to speak to you soon.  I know what I need it is just finding what is right for the spiceman.  
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  • steve51
    steve51 Member Posts: 7,153 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @thespiceman

    “Thanks”

    Yes I Do like to help/support you guys & girl”

    I have got 2 heads I suppose !!!!!!

    Mind you I only want one head to date!!!!!!!

    This is more than a job for me to be honest!!!!!!!!’

    Please please let me know if I can help you further to build up your confidence if you would like!!!!!

    Many thanks.

  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Member Posts: 6,389 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @steve51 Thanks very much.  I am at present doing OK it is just the end of the year blues I suppose.  Also leaving a support group is according to stress rating.  I read a lot on mental health issues and how I can help myself if I can.  Leaving a support group is medium stress risk apparently.  I have to consider the next steps for the spiceman.  I probably as all of community who are involved in benefits.  Seek support and advice on ESA and PIP when it comes.  My confidence levels are not very good but I think I just need some time to reflect.  Being part of a group of people plus support for three years is a small bit of time but.  As the letter says they feel I do not need support and I can understand that.
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  • steve51
    steve51 Member Posts: 7,153 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @thespiceman.

    Thats no probs I’m here the majority of time!!!  

    Please please let me know when you’re “ESA & PIP” drops through the door ??? 

    I always think that that there is always people who are in more trouble!!!!!

    We are only “home alone” for half of the day & there’s lots of people who live on their own & don’t “see/talk” too people for “months & months”

    Please please let me know if I can help/support you further????

    Many thanks.
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Member Posts: 6,389 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @steve51 Thank you very much.  I am one of those people am afraid.  I will contact you and the team.  Besides always got something on my mind.  I know you have seen all the chat and on the forums.  Many stimulating and interesting perhaps even thought provoking stuff I often start does help.  Enjoy what you all say and comments.  I think a different view and opinion lately makes the day more rewarding.  Meeting so many people many like myself and also every body has a story to share.  I am welcomed with a lot of support.  I know at present being the towards end of year is never easy and see from many comments I am not alone.  I hope to speak to you soon and welcome any advice if I have an issue with anything.  Thank you and best wishes.
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  • Neil2017
    Neil2017 Member Posts: 155 Courageous
    Hi @thespiceman
    good to know you’re okay and responding on here today. Hope the cold weather is not to bad for you. It is more rain or just cold where I am 
  • steve51
    steve51 Member Posts: 7,153 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @thespiceman

    Thank you very much for your post.

    I do find music works very well.

    1. During the day I watch music videos.

    2. At night/bedtime  I put earphones on and I “blast”
    my brain “big time”

    It distracts my brain so that it doesn’t have time to think about the word “PAIN”

    Thanks.
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Member Posts: 6,389 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Neil2017 Thank you for support.  I wrote this about loneliness because it is effecting every one.  I recall lyrics from a song which says loneliness is a crowded room full of hope and heart those dreams turn to snow.  I know reading on the forums and pages so many heartfelt stories like mine.  I think it is even becoming worse now than it ever was.  I have had the experiences.  What helps me through the day is this.  The amazing support, kindness and appreciation others give.  Thank you.  
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  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Member Posts: 6,389 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @steve51 Thank you for response.   How are you?  I am sorry you are in pain I am on painkillers most days.  I have to just over counter meds.  One of the everlasting effects of an addiction is the muscle wastage and also the after effects of that.  Most days usually night time worse is pain in legs and feet.  Constant pain in muscles daily I have to take meds in morning will do it.  Any way my heartfelt thank you.  I know you are all there.  Today well what does not help is the constant now bombardment of ads and music all Christmas.  I am sure people on this forum can identify with that.  Those like myself.  I have a shredder and sorted out a load of old bills etc that helped stress levels.  Done that this morning just got to me some times my situation.  Playing jingle bells and little donkey on radio this morning.  Hey come on I shouted enough is enough.  Now on jazz station up beat bit better.  Have to Weepy Wednesday as I call it just find a way to go out to day shopping.  That is not helping either going shopping wheres the chat and talk.  If I speak to anybody today be a miracle.  Last time went shopping all coldness from people.  Bumping barging the last bargains.  Left my trolley only to find some one had taken my carrots and I stood staring who the hell done that.  This is the issue people out their don't give a bleep bleep about you.  I saw a lady last week in a wheelchair asking for help as you know the same old problems no one is listening.  I asked how can I help you?  All her stuff whizzed now the shute and hard for her to put it in trolley.  I am next in line and helped her.  In the meantime my stuff is whizzed down the other side of the shute.  No one helped us both all complaining and going on customers.  She thanked me.  Rest got stares and annoyed looks.  Anyway I look on web again to see what help and support is out their.  Got a few leads then I will try to contact your team by phone.  Tried the other day just got scared and nervous do not know why.  Probably confidence lacking.  Had problems getting the right sort of help.  This is why I am probably the way I am.  Everytime asking got wrong advice and ended up no where.  This loneliness not helping.  I can talk here and sorry for long winded stories and chat just really tired of this.  Unfortunately the other side of loneliness I forgot to mention is that.  The problem is places that can support me.  All the routes on the web point to organisations I have been with before.  Contacted AGE UK do not take any body under 60 years old.  My area so lacking in resources and information.  I have asked but the systems are in place for anybody for over 60 or under 30.  Nothing inbetween.  I noticed a few people on this forum commented on this.  No wonder the country is suffering this loneliness.  Also a lot of organisations wont have you back.  My last mental health charity is one.  Thank yo and hope to speak to you soon take care
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  • steve51
    steve51 Member Posts: 7,153 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @thespiceman

    It’s great to speak to you again !!!!!
    Yes I “rattle” along with all of the Meds that I’m currently on.
    I’m currently on maximum amount’s off everyone!!!!
    Sorry to here about your “Loneliness”
    Please please let me know if I can support/help you with???
    If you are to scared to make the call to our helpline please please let me know & I will help you????
    Please please let me know if you need any help/support you in anyway??????
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Member Posts: 6,389 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @steve51 Thank you.  Not too good today being Friday.  The question I suppose I need answering is what options are available to me for support.  As I am needing just well some one being there to guide me.  I mean what can SCOPE help me with.  I typed in my are the other day my postcode and details.  The area I live in not to give anything away is North East England.  I found there are very few facilities in the area.  Especially SCOPE.  I am looking for some where to go socialise be with disabled people like my self.  To cope with my mental health issues and disability.  The problem is being confident again.  The other issues is that I have been to several support groups for me.  We have the cree projects around here.  These were set up by Co. Durham Council to stop men being lonely.  Problems started when a lot of the men I found did not want to be with a disabled gentleman and many of them were not very pleasant.  The other big problem in my life is that I keep meeting people it is usually an much older man who is in charge and so he does this sort of patronising and conserding way with me.  I get knock backs all the time.  The Captain Mannering sort of guy you suggest a idea a simple one to make the group do some thing and he says I was waiting for some one to say that.  After about a couple times this becomes a worn out record.  So men disappear.  The other issues sorry about me having a rant is believe me I am not sexsist, but the admin side of the cree is run by women.  Even it is a mens support group I thought why can not men run it the admin side.  Then my friend told me the pay structure of women get paid less.  So I meet these ladies who have no idea about men like me.  Then it starts the disapproving the I do not believe it.  If I make a complaint about one or the aatitudes I get.  One bloke was in his early eighties and was running the show.  All us guys in our fifties and sixties I thought he would understand but no.  I was singled out for his brand of humour and his way.  Ruffling my hair arm around my waist talking to me like I am ten years old.  Not helping not really interested in me.  Need som times to talk and he would tell me to shut up.  Made on several occasion a faux pas because of mental health got stressed.  Ended up being a lone although in the last two years or more since I left met them all and they all are like me.  These being the members of cress it was the same for many support groups.  I will and do try but if is no connection with any body in the group how can I go there.  Also the other big big issues  is that I can and do get used for by self.  My car and anything else group members want to use.  If I get friendly with anybody the constant ringing and texts.  I do not mind ring or texts but not like everyday and like the last time something like 2hrs phone calls and 48 yes 48 texts bombardments on rubbish.  I rarely give details out because guys who I also meet have severe problems often learning ones live alone and why expect me to sort them out.  Last lad I met coping on own could not do it.  Can not cook, clean, cope with anything.  Rang me up spent all money on betting and back on the booze.  Blamed me for that.  Had meeting with his support worker in end and mine support worker told his what the hell are you doing.  You do not need this and everytime I join something I meet guys like this.  This is a lot of my mental health issues.  Starting to get depression and little bit anxiety now.  I know I was in this mental health charity sais do not need support but met some one on Wednesday the same as me.  Does the and feels the same.  Where to go to next.  I apologise the long tales and sagas but that is the nub of the problems.  If I feel bit confidence try to ring but this helping talking here.  Thank for reading this.  Thank yo for support everybody from the bottom of my heart.  I hope you all understand me a little better.  I am feel also mean to go on but there are nine million of us and all of us do not want to be ike this.  Problems are not me it is society and the people who have effecting me.  Iam still meeting these   Hope to speak soon give some time very really tired this morning been worry about myself.
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  • CockneyRebel
    CockneyRebel Member Posts: 5,212 Disability Gamechanger
    edited December 2017
    Hi @thespiceman

    I am so glad that you are able to come here and share your story. We are all here to listen, help and support you and anyone in any way we can. I know it is not the socialising that you want but I hope it helps a little

    CR
    Be all you can be, make  every day count. Namaste
  • steve51
    steve51 Member Posts: 7,153 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @thespiceman

    Thank you very much !!!!

    Yes we / I can help & support you in anyway possible.

    Please please let me let me know if you need anything today ???

    I’m always here for you so don’t “feel alone”

    Please please don’t get “depressed” 

    We can talk/go through things any time of the day if that would help???????

    Thans.
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Member Posts: 6,389 Disability Gamechanger
    edited February 2018
    Hello @CockneyRebel Thank you for wise and caring words.  I thank you and we as community are much appreciated to have guys like you around.  I know I speak for the community.  Yes I am trying my best just having a bad day.  I started this about loneliness because I know I am not the only one and wished to share.  I find hard to talk to people because I get flustered as no one has the time these days to stop and listen.
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  • CockneyRebel
    CockneyRebel Member Posts: 5,212 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @thespiceman

    I find it hard to keep up with the furious pace of life also. Seems like everything has to be done yesterday. I am finding it increasingly hard to understand or keep up with all the technology being thrust upon us and to be honest I don't see a need for it in my life. I just hope that the rubber band that powers my PC keeps going

    CR
    Be all you can be, make  every day count. Namaste

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